Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SayerDee,
December 8, 2012. Happy Hanukkah to
Chaka Khan and her friends, Happy Feast Of The Immaculate Contraption to
McDonna and her immaculate contraption-feasting friends (also, eeeuuuwww),
Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today, and also Happy Birthday
to Bryan, who also turns twenty-four today, and Happy Birthday to Ian
Somerhalder, who is gorgeous, and Happy Birthday to Flip Wilson, who is dead.
Our ass is pooped, and We have Things To
Do. This blogging-every-day crap is for Lady
Bird Johnson. So as soon as We do a
little housekeeping (blog-wise), We will be treating you to A Very Special
Encore Presentation of last year’s Pearl Harbor Day blog.
Here, in case you missed it yesterday, is
where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:
Here, in case you’ve missed it every day
since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with
your friends:
Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on
Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):
That awkward moment
when a guy asks me if I'm currently seeing anyone.
Mom sent me to the
corner store to get milk. I get back 4 days later with a carton of orange
juice. FML.
Beethoven was deaf. So
fuck all y'all.
And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with
Us as We revisit Pearl Harbor Day 2011:
(Hmmm, We said (in 2012)…where have We heard
THAT recently?)
Hello,
Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7,
2011. Why, it seems like only yesterday
(because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it
is Pearl Bailey Day. Tyne Daly fries
when you slap her son. Seventy years ago
today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry
again a half an hour later. It was a day
that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times;
Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.
Hey,
what do you want from Us? We have just
finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:
Capricorn edition. And, as Our
director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a
Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.
Or extra crispy. Or something. Please don’t strain yourself pretending to
care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:
Or to
share it with others:
And now,
nice weather We’re under, no? Here’s the
HorrorScope:
Your
hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get
your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these
“people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant
inactivity on Our behalf. To say nothing
of Our bewhole. (No, really…say NOTHING.))
It’s
one of those days (Innit though?)
when
your energy is better spent doing something new. (Or something nude. If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the
bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse
YouPeople. And do you share Our videos? Do you buy Our tickets? Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian
Bale?)
If at
first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s
not how that saying goes.)
But
keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s
why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less
frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.
(Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))
(If you
are now singing that last bit in your head?
You are gay. And not just a
little bit gay, neither. You are as gay
as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistf**king Charles Nelson Reilly in a
lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at
them. At the opera.)
Perseverance
is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic
weapons are good, too.)
Ending
a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as
well just stay home, eh?)
You
might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to
rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)
(That
was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on
the pulse of pop culture. And Moms
Mabley.)
You have to keep moving toward it, (And what
was “it”, again?)
even if
it turns out to be farther away than you thought. (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell
Us what it is till We get there. We’ve
had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)
Enthusiasm
and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them
to their full extent. (It is unclear
whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in
Kansas any more.)
Unleash
those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed
hooker joke here.)
(Here
endeth the blast from the past. Stay tuned
for another one tomorrow, as We will be in church. (Hey, they’re new to the Holidailies™
people.))
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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