Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManginaMonday, December 24, 2012. Happy Christmas Eve Was Weak I Can See Your Dirty Pillows. We trust that all of your stockings are well-hung by the chimbley with Cher, whatever that may mean. We also suspect that no one is reading this, so We shan’t tarry, dawdle, fold, spindle, or masturbate.
Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
Meanwhile, this just in from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! correspondent, Helen Keller:
Was craving Pringles so bad but I accidentally just bought tennis balls.
Just woke up cause I fell off my bed. Now I can't find it. This is gonna be a long night...
I don't even go to bed early on Christmas Eve. Santa just rolls right in and drops the shit off and I have no idea what's going on.
And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:
As if Christmas Eve weren’t already exciting enough, Happy Ricky Martin’s Birthday, everybody!
Your core values are on display today (Also, Our whore values. Which are relatively low, considering We can’t even give it away.)
— which could be weird, depending on where you are. (The expression you seek is “sweating like a whore in church”. You’re welcome.)
If you have to make a stink over something that others don’t care about, that’s hard — but crucial! (Somehow, the phrase “a crucial stink” doesn’t inspire tidings of comfort and joy.)
Are you losing your patience with someone? (No. We are an Aries, so We had no patience to begin with. Although, Kelli, the fact that you are an AssHat is particularly annoying today.)
If it seems like they can’t listen to reason, they may have made up their mind already. (If they’ve made up their mind, that means it’s imaginary.)
Maybe they refuse to see any alternatives. (Alternatively, maybe they’re stupid.)
If you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall, then step back and stop hitting your head against it! (Are We alone in being dazzled by the staggering brilliance of this advice?)
(We’re pretty sure We’ve been completely alone in here for days, what with no one even bothering to ask Us who the hell Greg Biffle was yesterday. (If We were (subjunctively) dawdling or tarrying, We might pause to invent a joke in which We beg to differ with Greg Biffle. Lucky for you, We’re not.)))
Learn when enough is enough. (Also, learn not to beg to differ with Greg Biffle while paying wiffle ball.)
(Oh, shut up.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrected “wiffle ball” to “waffle ball”. Is waffle ball even a thing?)
If you can’t deal with someone, you need to just work around them or avoid them altogether. (Why is having them killed suddenly not an option?)
A relaxed attitude looks perfect on you today. (As does Our Christmas muu-muu.)
Your deep hotness has got a smoother edge, and while you still need to go after your desires, you need to start doing it in a more laid-back way. (You had Us at “your deep hotness”.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.