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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified


 

 



 

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for  December 26, 2012.  Happy Boxing Day!


 

The following is an encore presentation of an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  all the way from 2010:

 



 

 

 

Greetings, Eloquent Rebel Inspires Counterdemonstration---

 

(Heh. Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “counterdemonstration”. Which is, of course, a demonstration of counters. (All together now: “One…two…three” (Hey, who put these @nal beads on Our abacus?)))

 

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 29, 2010 (Yes, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We are back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. We should have changed that stupid lock, We should have made you leave your key, if We’d have known for just one second you were Crocodile Dundee.)

 

(Sorry.)

 

(Didn’t see that coming, though, didja? (Meanwhile it will interest absolutely no one to know (although We wasted time Googling it on Wikipedia, so We are going to tell you anyway) that Paul Hogan (aka Crocodile Dundee) is now seventy-one years old and, despite being a complete waste of space, has had more of a career than we will ever have. Happy Fu(king new Year.))

 

(So, didja miss Us? () Well, at any rate, a big post-Christmas g’day (stupid Crocodile Dundee) to MizDonna, who actually DID miss Us.)

 

(Speaking of Christmas, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Shia LaBeouf (isn’t that “the beef” in Frawnch? Who the h3ll’s name is “The Beef”?) is a Christmas pixture that was displaced by last week’s Boy Who Had Candy. Deal and cope.)

 

(We are not, naturally, going to recount (one…two…three…) all of Our Christmas adventures for all y’all, as We would be here all week (try the veal). However, We will tell you just one brief Christmas anecdote which is sure to warm the cockles of your tasteful little hearts. (We just looked up “cockles”, and “what the fu(k are they doing in your heart?” The answer was not all that interesting.) When We asked The Sainted Mother what she would like for Christmas, one of the answers she gave was that she would very much like some dickies. Now, while We were indeed familiar with dickies (although We hadn’t actually seen any for quite some time), We were totally flummoxed as to where One might actually purchase a dickie or two. Nevertheless, We rolled up Our sleeves and began to search Our WorldWideInterWebNetz for purveyors of dickies. You would no doubt be amazed by some of Our search results. We did, however, finally find appropriate dickies in the end, and were able to provide The Sainted Mother with a white dickie, a black dickie, and several other colors of dickie to use as the mood strikes her, and a happy Christmas was had by all.)

 

(Our-O-Scopes:)

 

You’re not selfish by nature, (See also: Aries, definition of.)

 

though some do see you that way. (We weren’t aware that We were seeing anyone.)

 

Make a big show of deferring gratification today, (What do defecating graduates have to do with anything?)

 

if only to prove to the world that you take other people seriously. (We find it difficult to take people seriously when they are p00ping in a cap and gown.)

 

Conflict is never fun, (Then how come high school wrestlers always pop boners?)

 

but today’s conflict is something you need to try to enjoy (Well, send over a couple of high school wrestlers, and We’ll try Our best.)

 

— after all, you’re on the right side. (Of COURSE We are. We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.)

 

(Did We actually just say “pop boners”? (All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased his boner…))

 

(Sorry.)

 

(So whaddaya think the chances are of Our Christmas dickie story becoming as big a hit as that wretched thing about the Christmas shoes? Perhaps if We turn it into a country-western song. (We did, after all, put the “(unt” in “country”.) Quick, all y’all start thinking of things that rhyme with “dickie” while I get Olivia Newton-John on the phone.)

 

This storm (Oh, no, ya don’t. We’ve already shoveled snow once this week.)

 

may be raging more at the people around you than at you directly, so this affords you the luxury of distance. (Does that come with a gift receipt?)

 

Stick to your guns (And skip to your loo.)

 

and don’t back down, (Also, don’t LOOK down. Or in the basement. Or in the last house on the left.)

 

no matter how hard the pressure may be. (From your lips to G0d’s Blackberry.)

 

You know what you’re doing. (What?)

 

Respect the choices others may make — you can’t understand their motivations unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. (And even if you don’t understand ‘em, by then you’re a mile away from the jackasses, and you’ve got their shoes.)

 

You’ve got a real way with connections this morning (So We should be buying drugs?)

 

— you’ve got all kinds of ways to draw people out, from finding common ground to making the most of differences. (Did We all join hands and sing “Kumbaya” yet?)

 

(It will come as no surprise to anyone that We had to look up “Kumbaya” to ensure that We were spelling it properly. “Someone’s p00ping lard, kumbaya…”)

 

Tonight, though, you may be rather shy. (A coupla sandwiches shy of a picnic, no doubt.)

 

Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video above.  And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

Helen Keller has the day off to read her Christmas tree.

It being Jesus’s birthday, here We are doing Our part to keep the JesusChrist in JesusChristmas.  Herewith Jesus on Dating on Demand, which recently went over 5000 hits:

 


 

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.