Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SunDee, December 2th, 2012. (We just mistookenly
typed the year as “2010”, inspiring Ourself to throw open the vaults (much as
another Holidailies™ writer caused Us to imagine her yesterday “throwing up
lights”) and root through the archives like a pig looking for Ruffles™ (they
have ridges, you know) to ascertain what We were doing on This Day In
History. Turns out, We were Flying The
Friendly Skies to Saint Penisburg/Tampon to visit Our Sistah Ovella in honor of
the twenty-fourth anniversary of her nativity.
Thyme fries when you’re serving nuns.
In other news, Happy Birthday to Blair, who
turns twenty-four today. The original
Blair, Lisa Whelchel, is, of course, currently appearing on Suhvivah. (We have previously related the story of Our
Sistah Ovella and The Blairs in these pages, but for the benefit of Our new
Holidaily™ readers We shall throw up the vaults and briefly bad-touch upon it
again:
A few years back, prior to turning
twenty-four, Our Sistah Ovella was in graduate school in another state studying
Mister French (ask her about her experiences with the Hubble telescope) when
she decided that, to save on commuting, she would take lodging in said state
during the week. She quickly found some
fellow students with a room to let…fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets. I ain’t
got no cigarettes….
Ooops…We forgot Ourself.
At any rate, being the sort of sistahs who
enjoy a good jest, We quickly decided that, because of her advanced years (she
was, after all, on the verge of twenty-four), Ovella was Mrs. Garrett and her
roommates were the cast of The Facts of
Life. However, upon being provided with photographic evidence, We quickly
discovered that there was not so much as a Jo, a Natalie, or a Tootie in the
bunch, and thus redubbed them “The Blairs”.
Meanwhile, can
there be any question that “bevy” is the correct collective noun for
Blairs? Much as geese come in gaggles (and, presumably, in other geese)
and crows come in murders (and, presumably, in other crows), Blairs clearly
come in bevies (and, presumably…well, you know). Drove my bevy to the
levee in my Chevy, and all that.)
Our ultimate
point being (ah, you thought We had forgotten?
Silly Glasshoppah! Cricks are for
squids! Try to snatch the pebble from
Our snatch!)
(What? Any idiot can snatch a pebble from someone’s
palm.))
…that the
Blair to whom We are wishing Happy Birthday today is also clearly not a Jo, a
Tootie, or a Natalie. Also, he is really
named Blair.
This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter
(Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking):
I thought I met a
really nice guy today. Turns out it was just the mailbox.
I think my boyfriend's
giving me the silent treatment...
In still other news (We are not used to doing
this on the weekend, and We have a kabillion things to do), Our most recent Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope
video, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and
the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our
“best video ever”. So give it a
look-see, won’t you?
Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this
right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video
with a friend:
http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y
…two more whole people would have
seen it by the end of the day!
Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right
now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe. (After you do that, please sext Us a picture
of yourself counting to twenty-one.
KThxBye.)
(Apropos
of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for
your comparing pleasure:
)
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Happy Birthday to One-Hit-Wonder Nelly Furtado
(she’s like a bird, don’t’cha know?).
Also to Why-ANY-Hits-We-Wonder, Britney Spears.
Get things rolling today — your energy is
just right for giving that gentle nudge that ensures events take place without
your having to direct every little detail. (Is it just Us, or did that sound
like the script from a laxative commercial?)
It may get crazy! (It sure may!
We’re gonna empty the dishwasher!
And write out Our Christmas cards!
And maybe watch some Mad Men! Cowabunga!)
(Did we just say “cowabunga”? Kelli was right, it got crazy.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that We’ve
spelled “cowabunga” incorrectly. But
does it have any suggestions for how we might spell it properly? NOOOOOO. Fuck you, Micro$oft Weird™.)
Ugly emotions are burbling up inside you
today, and it doesn’t much matter why. (Is this entire HOROSCOPE the script of
a laxative commercial?)
What
matters is how you deal with them. (Apparently so.)
Process these emotions by expressing them. (POOP!)
If you are upset with someone, don’t suppress
it. (Cut off their head and poop down their neck.)
If you are confused about your feelings for
someone, let them know. (We would, but they’d most likely nakedly skim past
it.)
Don’t underestimate other people by always
assuming they will react in the worst possible way. (Oh, of course not. Every so often, they react in the NEXT TO the
worst possible way, just to confuse Us.
Bastards.)
They have a lot more empathy than you think. (On
the other hand, almost no one ever has enough tympani.)
Be vulnerable and tell them how you
feel. (Isn’t “vulnerable” a peculiar
word? “Able to be vulnered”…what does
that even MEAN?)
Love is lighthearted right now, due to your
overwhelming popularity. (Also due to Our lack of a heart.)
Paradoxically, all this easy-breezy freedom (Are
We back to the laxative commercial?)
gives you and a new romantic prospect room to
get closer, (Hmmmm….)
if
that’s what the two of you want. (And, just in the nick of time (Who is this “Nick”
guy, anyway?), We’re OUTTIE!!!)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular)
advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
