Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SunDee, December 2th, 2012. (We just mistookenly typed the year as “2010”, inspiring Ourself to throw open the vaults (much as another Holidailies™ writer caused Us to imagine her yesterday “throwing up lights”) and root through the archives like a pig looking for Ruffles™ (they have ridges, you know) to ascertain what We were doing on This Day In History. Turns out, We were Flying The Friendly Skies to Saint Penisburg/Tampon to visit Our Sistah Ovella in honor of the twenty-fourth anniversary of her nativity. Thyme fries when you’re serving nuns.
In other news, Happy Birthday to Blair, who turns twenty-four today. The original Blair, Lisa Whelchel, is, of course, currently appearing on Suhvivah. (We have previously related the story of Our Sistah Ovella and The Blairs in these pages, but for the benefit of Our new Holidaily™ readers We shall throw up the vaults and briefly bad-touch upon it again:
A few years back, prior to turning twenty-four, Our Sistah Ovella was in graduate school in another state studying Mister French (ask her about her experiences with the Hubble telescope) when she decided that, to save on commuting, she would take lodging in said state during the week. She quickly found some fellow students with a room to let…fifty cents. No phone, no pool, no pets. I ain’t got no cigarettes….
Ooops…We forgot Ourself.
At any rate, being the sort of sistahs who enjoy a good jest, We quickly decided that, because of her advanced years (she was, after all, on the verge of twenty-four), Ovella was Mrs. Garrett and her roommates were the cast of The Facts of Life. However, upon being provided with photographic evidence, We quickly discovered that there was not so much as a Jo, a Natalie, or a Tootie in the bunch, and thus redubbed them “The Blairs”.
Meanwhile, can there be any question that “bevy” is the correct collective noun for Blairs? Much as geese come in gaggles (and, presumably, in other geese) and crows come in murders (and, presumably, in other crows), Blairs clearly come in bevies (and, presumably…well, you know). Drove my bevy to the levee in my Chevy, and all that.)
Our ultimate point being (ah, you thought We had forgotten? Silly Glasshoppah! Cricks are for squids! Try to snatch the pebble from Our snatch!)
(What? Any idiot can snatch a pebble from someone’s palm.))
…that the Blair to whom We are wishing Happy Birthday today is also clearly not a Jo, a Tootie, or a Natalie. Also, he is really named Blair.
This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking):
I thought I met a really nice guy today. Turns out it was just the mailbox.
I think my boyfriend's giving me the silent treatment...
In still other news (We are not used to doing this on the weekend, and We have a kabillion things to do), Our most recent Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”. So give it a look-see, won’t you?
Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video with a friend:
http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!
Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe. (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one. KThxBye.)
(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Happy Birthday to One-Hit-Wonder Nelly Furtado (she’s like a bird, don’t’cha know?). Also to Why-ANY-Hits-We-Wonder, Britney Spears.
Get things rolling today — your energy is just right for giving that gentle nudge that ensures events take place without your having to direct every little detail. (Is it just Us, or did that sound like the script from a laxative commercial?)
It may get crazy! (It sure may! We’re gonna empty the dishwasher! And write out Our Christmas cards! And maybe watch some Mad Men! Cowabunga!)
(Did we just say “cowabunga”? Kelli was right, it got crazy.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that We’ve spelled “cowabunga” incorrectly. But does it have any suggestions for how we might spell it properly? NOOOOOO. Fuck you, Micro$oft Weird™.)
Ugly emotions are burbling up inside you today, and it doesn’t much matter why. (Is this entire HOROSCOPE the script of a laxative commercial?)
What matters is how you deal with them. (Apparently so.)
Process these emotions by expressing them. (POOP!)
If you are upset with someone, don’t suppress it. (Cut off their head and poop down their neck.)
If you are confused about your feelings for someone, let them know. (We would, but they’d most likely nakedly skim past it.)
Don’t underestimate other people by always assuming they will react in the worst possible way. (Oh, of course not. Every so often, they react in the NEXT TO the worst possible way, just to confuse Us. Bastards.)
They have a lot more empathy than you think. (On the other hand, almost no one ever has enough tympani.)
Be vulnerable and tell them how you feel. (Isn’t “vulnerable” a peculiar word? “Able to be vulnered”…what does that even MEAN?)
Love is lighthearted right now, due to your overwhelming popularity. (Also due to Our lack of a heart.)
Paradoxically, all this easy-breezy freedom (Are We back to the laxative commercial?)
gives you and a new romantic prospect room to get closer, (Hmmmm….)
if that’s what the two of you want. (And, just in the nick of time (Who is this “Nick” guy, anyway?), We’re OUTTIE!!!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.