Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDee FunDee, Deecember 30, 2012. Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in New Yawk. And Happy Birthday to Jason, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay. Look how cosmopolitan We are, with Our bi-coastal birthday wishes! (Actually, it’s only 10:30; a Cosmopolitan at this point would probably be a sign of a problem.)
Meanwhile, in Our efforts to get Our errands done yesterday before the blizzard, We apparently managed to be out and about at the only point in the day during which actual snow fell. It turned to rain shortly thereafter and remained so for the duration, being supplanted today by beautiful sunshine. And We are not complaining one bit.
We did betake Ourself out into the monsoon later in the day to have cocktails with TCBITWWW, who zipped into The City Of Brotherly Love Handles from El Lay by way of New Yawk for a Christmas minute. (Again with the cosmopolitanosity.) We had said cocktails at Brauhaus Schlitz Schmidtz Shitz Whatever-That-German-Restaurant-On-South-Street-Is-Called. It is a lovely space, and We are dying to eat there, except for the fact that they dress up their female staff in German hooker costumes, while the male staff wears T-shirts and jeans. It’s like the German version of Hooters (Hüters?)
At any rate, We exchanged gifts, and among Our gifts were two lovely bracelets from a company called Haute Betts, which We only mention because, when he said the name of the company in the noisy bar, Our deaf old ears thought he was saying “Haute Mess”, which is, in Our humble opinion, a much better name for a company.
In other news yesterday, you will recall that We have been participating in Holidailies™ ( http://www.holidailies.org/ ) , a community writing project which encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of December. Now, many things about the Holidailies™ process remain arcane to Us, amongst them being, is Holidailies™ like Fight Club, in that you don’t talk about it outside of Fight Club…er, Holidailies™? (Sorry; We were momentarily distracted by picturing Brad Pitt naked.) However, as We have clearly already violated that rule, We are here to tell you that yesterday’s e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! was honored with a Best of Holidailies™ award! (No doubt because the judges were so shocked that We wrote an original entry, instead of cheating with an encore presentation from 2010, but still…)
Here is the link with which you may share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video with your friends:
And here come the HorrorScopes:
Meanwhile, it turns out that both Davy Jones and Michael Nesmith of The Monkees were born today, thus sharing a birthday. We just learned that, and now you know it too. There’s a brain cell you’ll never get back.
Even if you don’t have a big party coming up, now is still a great time for some power cleaning. (Why does “power cleaning” strike Us as a euphemism for “enema”?)
It’s good for your soul as well as your floors, (What is “floors” a euphemism for?)
so tackle those mundane problems with new energy! (All these euphemisms! It’s just like the old saying, “with all this horseshit, there MUST be a pony!”)
Sharing your controversial ideas and opinions with other people is wonderful, but are you sharing them with the right folks right now? (That Depends™…are YouPeople the right folks?)
Preaching to the choir can be a big waste of time right now, (Insert “whore in church” joke here.)
especially if you really want to make some changes in the world. (Stop the world, Boris Karloff.)
(What does that even MEAN?)
Stop seeking out people who agree with everything you say, (Why? We LOVE those people!)
and start seeking those who don’t. (Grrr…)
It’s time for you to put your energy toward debate (Oh, We are MASTER of de bate!)
— toward changing the minds of people who you think are supporting the wrong thing. (We have no idea what you are talking about, but We are an athletic supporter.)
(That was a non sequitur. (Why are things always non sequiturs? Why is nothing ever just a sequitur?))
Are you your own worst enemy when it comes to love? (Enemy…enema…enemy…enem-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…)
It’s time to be your own best friend instead. (Is there anyone who DOESN’T know that that’s a euphemism for masturbation?)
Crushes on unsuitable types, dates that go nowhere — talk yourself out of them and help yourself get over them. (That does it…We’re buying a blow-up doll.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.