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Thursday, December 13, 2012

All the cops at the donut shop say, “Ay-oh-way-oh”.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thirteenth, December Thursday, 2012.  Or, as We have chosen to call it here at E!D!H!, 12-13-12.  Which is only 12 days away from 12-25-12.  Go tell it on the fucking mountain.

(That was all working up to a joke about numerology, which also involved numismatism, but then We realized We weren’t exactly sure what numismatism was all about.  Then, when We went to Google it on Wikipedia, We got all caught up in how much philately is like fellatio, and the whole joke sort of came in Our eye.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming (heh), didja?)

(Philately, fellatio, philately, fellati-oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho…)

Speaking of sex acts, We just discovered that someone found his (or her) way to these hallowed pages today by searching “contortionist girl sucks dick”.  Presumably sans quotation marks.

In other sex act news, We had dinner with Justin Bieber last night, as We told you We were going to yesterday.  We did not, however, have sex, acts or otherwise, as The Biebster was a little upset about this lunatic out there who was plotting to kill and castrate him.  Have you heard about this?  Who DOES that?  Especially in that order.

Meanwhile, never mind the actor’s nightmare; last night, We had the waiter’s nightmare.  We should first point out that We have never waited a table in Our life, although We’ve clearly eaten more than Our fair share of dinner.  So in this dream, We were being forced to wait upon a table full of people in a very crowded restaurant.   Fortunately, someone had already served them drinks, and they started giving Us their food order.  It occurred to Us that We might perhaps want to write this information down, but We didn’t have such a thing as an order pad, so We wound up scribbling on a matchbook.  Then We realized that We had no earthly clue how to put said order in in the kitchen in such a way that would cause the cooks to prepare the desired food. Which didn’t matter anyway, because none of the other waiters would allow Us to get into the kitchen.  (Also, all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call Us names.)  We were looking around for the salad station to distract Our table with gratuitous house salads and buy Ourselves some time when We woke up.
In other news, Gratuitous House Salads is the name of Our new band.

Here, in case you missed it the past however-many-damn-days, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag.  Why no one has bought Us a ticket yet is a mystery.:

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends.  Thanks to OurMizCatherine for doing exactly that yesterday.:

We were just over on Twatter, where We learned that almost a million people are following John Stamos.  To put that in some perspective,  over THIRTY-ONE MILLION people follow Justin Bieber.  Which would mean something statistically about how many tweets Justin Bieber misses every time he blinks his eyes, if We could be arsed to figger it out.  Which We can’t.  Meanwhile, under a hundred thousand people follow  Helen Keller on Twitter (We Our Own Self Personally being one of them), but she doesn’t follow anybody.  Here are a few of her tweets from today: 

I thought I met a really nice guy today. Turns out it was just the mailbox.

I hate when people tell me it's raining, but in reality they're peeing on me...

Once you go black, you never go back. Trust me. I know a lot about this subject.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’re leaning toward art and culture today, so dive in feet first!  (Okay, “feet first” and “dive” are mutually exclusive, you illiterate cow.)

You may need to check in with someone who’s more in the loop than you are, but you can also just follow your nose and see what happens.  (So follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit wherever it grows.  (Hey, Dimblow said “loop”.))

Try to get involved in something cultural today. (There’s probably something green and furry in the back of Our befridgedator.)

You have always had a strong curiosity for things that are outside of your own experience, but right now this curiosity is especially vibrant — and it is pulling you toward foreign cultures or customs. (And it is, of course, that very curiosity which killed the cat.  Whereupon, according to foreign cultures and customs, the Chinamen promptly made dinner.  Pulina™ Cat Chou…meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow…)

(Walk like an Egyptian, wok like a Chinaman.)

Explore them — whatever they may be. (Hey, if you don’t know the antecedents, We sure as hell don’t.)

Food, dance, music, art, fashion — whatever captures your imagination deserves your attention.  (Wow.  Way to narrow it all down helpfully.  AssHat.)

Feed yourself figuratively and literally on the expressions and ideas of other cultures.   (Cat…the other other other white meat.)

Something you say could say to a friend could be considered insensitive.  (Since when the hell have We ever been fucking insensitive, you ignorant braindead bitch of a whore?)

While you didn’t intend to be hurtful, your words can easily be misconstrued.  (See, and here We thought “you ignorant braindead bitch of a whore” was relatively clear.)

Sincerely apologize and tread carefully next time. (We are very sorry that you are an ignorant braindead bitch of a whore.  Pass the pussy, please.)


 (You’re Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.