Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinesDay,
December 12, 2012. Happy Hump Day,
everyone. Yawn. (As occasionally happens here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!,
today We find Ourself completely devoid of inspiration, so We started today’s
e-pissode in the middle, as it (subjunctively) were. We have already collected Helen Keller’s
tweets (that sounds vaguely risqué, no?), and discovered that it is Edvard
Munch’s birthday (he painted The Scream)
as well as Frank Sinatra’s. If you can find any connection between the two, you
are a better man than We are, Bombay™ gin.
If the connection you find is actually humorous, you had best run and
hide, or We shall have you in indentured servitude writing all the e-pissodes
of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for the next week.
Why They always find it necessary to point
out that the servants wear dentures, We haven’t got any idea.
The jury is also still out on the new
exclamation-point-enhanced version of Our title. And, by “the jury is also still out”, We mean
“all you nakedly skimming fuckers continue to nakedly skim past it”.
Also leaving Us cold is all this “12-12-12”
business. Mainly because, although We
recall addressing the repetitive date issue in the past, We cannot for the life
of Us find said addresses in the archival vaults. On 11-11-11, We appear to have had the same
issue We are having now. 10-10-10 seems
to have fallen on a weekend, and, consequently, have not been discussed. And prior to that, We were not in Bloggonia,
and We’ll be damned if We’re going to go digging through old e-mails just to
amuse YouPeople, because what the hell have you ever done for Us?
On the other hand, just you WAIT until
13-13-13!
Speaking of “what the hell have you ever done
for Us”, We find Ourself asking that question more and more lately. And, with the new year just around the
corner, assuming (thereby making you think about Uma Thurman’s ass) We survive
the Mayan apocalypse, if We don’t like the answer, the results of Our cosmic
housecleaning may surprise you.)
Those of you who do NOT nakedly skim will be amused
to see how far back you have to go to find the open paren that that close paren
just closed for. It’s the little things.
Here, in case you missed it the past however-many-damn-days,
is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:
Here, in case you’ve missed it every day
since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with
your friends:
Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on
Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):
Wanna hear a funny
joke? Yeah, me too...
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Spread your wings and try something new! (What are We, a fucking bird? Clearly, what Kelli MEANS is, “Spread your
LEGS and try something new”.)
It’s a really good time for you to show the
world what you are capable of, (See, here
is a prime example of why Engrish as a Second Ranguage is compricated. If We were (subjunctively) a Chinaman (and
you were (subjunctively) a lady, would you marry Us anyway, would you have Our
baby? (Sorry.)), based on the rules of
Engrish word formation, We would deduce that “capable” meant “able to wear a
cap” (or, if We heard it spoken, “able to wear a cape”), and We would have no
idea what you were talking about.)
(Of course, if We were (subjunctively) a
Chinaman, We’d be speaking Chinamanese, so We’d have no idea what WE were talking about.)
(It further strikes Us that “able to wear a
cap” and “able to wear a cape” are two vastly different things. For instance, not everyone is able to wear a
cap, but everyone who IS able to wear a cap can pretty much carry it off,
because being capable of wearing it is pretty much all One needs. On the other hand, she wore a glove, and
everyone can pretty much WEAR a cape, but the wearing of it is no guarantee
that they’ll be able to pull it off, as cape-wearing involves a whole ‘nother
level of panache that cap-wearing does not.
Picture, say, Batman versus Underdog.)
(Are you actually sitting there picturing
Batman versus Underdog? Do you do
EVERYTHING We tell you to do? Have
Johnny Depp stripped, washed, and brought to Our tent.)
and your terrific energy helps inspire others
to do the same. (Are We still in the
middle of this very same sentence? Sorry…We
lost the thread.)
Grab a hold of your pioneering spirit today, (Or
grab a hold of a pioneer. Davy, Davy
Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier.
(How did anyone take that man seriously?
He walked around with a fucking beaver on his head.))
(We just mistyped “fucking” as “fcuking”. Micro$oft Weird™ flagged it as misspelled,
but offered Us no correct spelling suggestions.
However, when We edited it to “fucking”, Micro$oft Weird™ knew that it
was correct. Fuck you, Micro$oft Weird™.)
because you will be asked to do a little
exploring today. (Can it be spelunking?
Not that We’ve any desire to spelunk, but We’ve always wanted to say We
were spelunking. (Nine hundred million Chinamen’s heads just exploded. Everyone was hungry again half an hour
later.))
You will have the opportunity to try
something no one has ever done before, which should go a long way toward
spicing up your life and making things interesting once again! (Well, We are having dinner with Justin Bieber
this evening…)
Let other people travel the well-worn
highways of life, never doing anything that scares them. (Boo!)
For you, today, it’s all about making your
own way and facing unfamiliar challenges. (We’re having dinner. There’s no “challenge”.)
Your tireless (Not having tires.)
aspiration (Consumption of asps.)
in finding the perfect date (Middle Eastern
fruit.)
is commendable, (Able to be mended by more than
one person at once.)
(Them Chinamen don’t stand a chance.)
so don’t give up trying to find a worthy
companion. (Is it just Us, or does “worthy companion” sound completely
sexless?)
But don’t let this quest take over your life.
(Wait…when did We get a life?)
(You’re Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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