Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoopEye RudeBeeTunesDay, December 18, 2012. December EIGHTEENTH, people, and We have just finished Our Christmas shopping YESTERDAY. We think. Unless We forgot something. Or someone. Usually, We are done in August, September at the latest. Clearly, we are slipping. Like a drunk’s toupee. (That there was a werd pixture. Because We? Are a writer.)
Of course, if the world actually ends on Friday, won’t We feel foolish for having done all this shopping? Probably not…We’ll mostly feel vaporized, just like the rest of all y’all. Plus, We won’t have to pay Our credit card bill. Fuck you, Visa™, it’s The Apocalypse.
On the other hand, if the world does NOT end on Friday, The Mall on Saturday is going to be Hell On Earth. So, in advance, neener-neener-neener, We have Our Christmas shopping done!
Micro$oft Weird™ frowns upon “neener”. Obviously, Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t have its Christmas shopping done.
And now, from OurHouseWhereWeLive to YourHousesWhereYouPluralLive, here is a little early Christmas present in music video form. It is completely NOT SAFE for work. Enjoy!
Wasn’t that fun? Speaking of video, here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends:
This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:
I never find out if the guys I date are black until we sleep together.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Merde! All of Our Christmas shopping is done, but now We have to worry about what to get Brad Pitt for his birthday. Sigh.
You get a vision of the future — and you like what you see! (The future lasts till Friday…how much viZZZion do ya need?)
It’s a good time for you to ask big questions (How many Valerie Bertinellis are there in a Kirstie Alley?)
and figure out who’s really on your side. (Well, apparently Time is not.)
Things are just about to get interesting! (It’s not every day four guys on horseback ride down Warnock Street.)
Try not to let your focus on future adventures (Yeah, right.)
or travel plans keep you from getting the job done right, today. (If We procrastinate it till next week, We won’t have to do it at all.)
You have to try to stay focused (Sorry…did you say something?)
on the present and live this day conscientiously. (We object!)
(See what We did there?)
Too many people are depending on you right now, and you are capable of blowing their expectations out of the water. (Well, sure. Because if ya try to blow ‘em IN the water, you have to hold your breath a lot.)
One way to get your mind more focused on the here and now is by promising yourself that you can have an hour or two of time to goof off later in the afternoon. (Does anyone actually still say “goof off”?)
More is better than nothing, yes (But nothing’s better than more. Also, s’mores.)
— but too much of a good thing can be worse than not enough. (Um, no. No, it can’t.)
What is it about love that makes people want to hoard it? (You’ve misspelled “whored”.)
Live and let live. (And, of course, the lesser known corollary, “live and let olive loaf”.)
You’ll feel much better in the long run. (Especially since there isn’t one, what with the world ending Friday and all.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.