Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoopEye RudeBeeTunesDay, December 18, 2012. December EIGHTEENTH, people, and We have just
finished Our Christmas shopping YESTERDAY.
We think. Unless We forgot
something. Or someone. Usually, We are done in August, September at
the latest. Clearly, we are
slipping. Like a drunk’s toupee. (That there was a werd pixture. Because We?
Are a writer.)
Of course, if the world actually ends on
Friday, won’t We feel foolish for having done all this shopping? Probably not…We’ll mostly feel vaporized,
just like the rest of all y’all. Plus,
We won’t have to pay Our credit card bill.
Fuck you, Visa™, it’s The Apocalypse.
On the other hand, if the world does NOT end
on Friday, The Mall on Saturday is going to be Hell On Earth. So, in advance, neener-neener-neener, We have
Our Christmas shopping done!
Micro$oft Weird™ frowns upon “neener”. Obviously, Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t have its
Christmas shopping done.
And now, from OurHouseWhereWeLive to
YourHousesWhereYouPluralLive, here is a little early Christmas present in music
video form. It is completely NOT SAFE
for work. Enjoy!
Wasn’t that fun? Speaking of video, here is the link with
which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:
Sagittarius video with your friends:
This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter
account:
I never find out if
the guys I date are black until we sleep together.
And here’s the
HorrorScope:
Merde! All of Our Christmas shopping is done, but
now We have to worry about what to get Brad Pitt for his birthday. Sigh.
You get a vision of
the future — and you like what you see! (The future lasts till Friday…how much
viZZZion do ya need?)
It’s a good time for
you to ask big questions (How many Valerie Bertinellis are there in a Kirstie
Alley?)
and figure out who’s
really on your side. (Well, apparently Time is not.)
Things are just about
to get interesting! (It’s not every day
four guys on horseback ride down Warnock Street.)
Try not to let your
focus on future adventures (Yeah, right.)
or travel plans keep you from getting the job
done right, today. (If We procrastinate
it till next week, We won’t have to do it at all.)
You have to try to
stay focused (Sorry…did you say something?)
on the present and
live this day conscientiously. (We object!)
(See what We did
there?)
Too many people are
depending on you right now, and you are capable of blowing their expectations
out of the water. (Well, sure. Because
if ya try to blow ‘em IN the water, you have to hold your breath a lot.)
One way to get your
mind more focused on the here and now is by promising yourself that you can
have an hour or two of time to goof off later in the afternoon. (Does anyone actually still say “goof off”?)
More is better than nothing, yes (But nothing’s
better than more. Also, s’mores.)
— but too much of a
good thing can be worse than not enough. (Um, no. No, it can’t.)
What is it about love
that makes people want to hoard it? (You’ve misspelled “whored”.)
Live and let live. (And,
of course, the lesser known corollary, “live and let olive loaf”.)
(What?)
You’ll feel much
better in the long run. (Especially since there isn’t one, what with the world
ending Friday and all.)
(You’re Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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