Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Sunday!Sunday!Sunday!, December 23, 2012. The sun is shining here in West Hinterlandia, and We hope it is shining where you are, as well. (We don’t actually care, but We thought We’d say that in case Santa Claus is reading this. Since he’s already seen Us when We’re sleeping (naked), and knows when We’re a fake.)
Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
Meanwhile, this just in from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! correspondent, Helen Keller:
Why is everyone giving me the silent treatment today?
Uh oh. Been swallowing skittles instead of my birth control. Could be an interesting next couple of months.
Sooooo... Where the hell am I
And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:
Why are you sitting around reading this when you should be out shopping for Greg Biffle’s birthday?
You need to make sure that you stick with your principles today — though you may find it tough. (Ya know what’s tough? Liam Neeson.)
(We have no idea where that came from.)
That’s why we admire people with convictions, though, so remember what you want and go for it! (Our prior convictions are none of your business.)
Perseverance takes patience, but it rewards you with more than you can ever imagine. (Some pitchman on television is hollering about making perfect pancakes. Please come and kill Us now.)
Right now, you need to just keep going. (Poop!)
Stick with things long enough, and eventually things will start to make sense. (Ah, the old “better living through monotony” plan.)
Thereafter, everything you do will have much more purpose and possibility. (Since We’re doing P-words, what about penis?)
Even the things that used to confuse you will now suddenly click in a whole new way (But won’t that be confusing in and of itself?)
— and you’ll be struck by a great idea that no one else has thought of yet. (Apparently, We haven’t thought of it either.)
You’ve got plenty of moxie during daylight hours, which makes it easy to be the first to introduce yourself. (Did she say “moxie”? Seriously?)
By later tonight, expect more calm. (That’s what that “Silent Night” song says.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.