Oh, the weather outside is F*&%$#

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, December Tenf, 2013.

SitOnMyFaceBook would have Us believe that it is nobody’s birthday today.  Meanwhile, the site from which We obtain Our celebrity birthday information would like Us to know that the most popular celebrity born today is Raven Symone of That’s So Raven fame, followed, in the second-most-popular spot, by poet Emily Dickinson.  Our Dilbert™ calendar would like Us to know that it is Human Rights Day, and We are thinking that, on any day when the first and second most popular celebrities are Raven Symone and Emily Dickinson, We should all have the human right to stay the hell in bed with the covers pulled over Our heads.

In other news, in case you hadn’t heard, it is snowing outside.  Again.  Some more. (And may We just mention, mais oui, that it is not yet even winter.)  We trust that you did a good enough job of stocking up on eggs, bread, milk, and toilet paper for Sunday’s snow that you do not need to go out again for today’s, and that you can just stay in your homes, eat French toast, and shit yourself with reckless abandon.

It occurs to Us that the longer We sit here typing this, the longer We can avoid going out to shovel snow.  This is gonna be a long one.  (That being, clearly, what SHE said.)

Speaking of long ones, over the past month or so, We’ve celebrated Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week, and Picturing Blair (And Ren (And Chad)) In The Buff Week. (Who, Us?  Obsessed?  Whatever do you peen?....er, MEAN, whatever do you MEAN?)

In the course of each of those weeks, We made several announcements that prizes would be awarded for the submission via sext, SitOnMyFaceBook message, or smoke signal of pictures of the private parts in question.

Those prizes remain, as yet, unclaimed.  Last chance, gentlemen…stop making angels in the snow, put a couple extra marshmallows and a shot of bourbon in your hot chocolate, and Make. Starzina’s.  Day.

Now you’re picturing Starzina’s Clint Eastwood impression…is there no LIMIT to the entertainment We provide you?  All free in your morning email…

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

In addition to That’s So Raven and Emily DICK-in-Son, it is also Susan Dey’s birthday.  Apparently, Susan Dey now looks like Miss Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies.

(Don’t look now, but there was a subliminal dick joke in the preceding paragraph.)

This is a fine time (To leave me, Lucille?)

(Sorry.)

to close out old projects, but not so much for starting on new ones. (So, wait…today’s snow is new snow…so shoveling it would be a new project…so it would seem that this particular asstromalogical horoscopulation would be prohibiting Us from shoveling snow.   Fine.  We’ll just sit here and wait for the spring thaw.)

See if you can get your coworkers to ease up, (Failing that, try to get ‘em to GREASE up.)

as you should have a pretty full plate for the time being.  (Was that a fat joke?)

It’s been days since you’ve been in the mood  (That’s not true…We’re ALWAYS in a mood.)

to go out and socialize, and you’re worried. (Should it worry Us that We’re worried?  And that “worry” and “worried” are such weird words?  And that “weird” and “wired” are so similar?  And that Burt Ward had a huge penis?)

(We just slipped that last bit in there to see if you were paying attention.  And to weed out the naked skimmers.)

Could this be a permanent thing for you?  (Which twin has the Toni™?)

(If you understood that, you’re old.)

(You’re welcome.)

Nah. (“Nah.”?  “NAH.”?!?  Centuries of the evolution of literature, all to reach this moment, and “Nah”.)

(Jeebus.)

This, too, shall pass (Like gas out your asss…)

— by late tonight, and that’s a promise.  (Actually, it’s a fart joke.  But call it whatever you want…)

At that point, the stars slip out of the comfy-cozy jammies they’ve been wearing in your house of secrets, and are ready, willing and able to make up for any lost time. (Okay, who gave Kelli the magic mushrooms?)

So, as per usual, (Asperger’s Syndrome.)

expect to be burning the candle at both ends as you party on down. (Euphemisms…they’re not just for breakfast any more.)

  Quit living like a shark! (When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette till you bang Doris Day.)

You’re sure to be fine even if you stand still. (Hmmm.  Somehow, We’re pretty sure that “stand still in a landfill” will never replace “rock out with your cock out”.  Just sayin’.)

Though multi-tasking may be your best asset, it’s still time to stop rushing from thing to thing. (Are We talking Thing One and Thing Two, or just generic things?)

Just focus on your love life!  (But We don’t HAVE an electron microscope…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Batman! Batman! Batman!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedDay, January Elebbenf, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Cynthia, who turns twenty-four today.  In Stately Wayne Manor.  Hopefully, in between cake and champagne, she is sliding down the BatPole.  Also, Happy Birthday to Alexander Hamilton, one of the few Founding Fathers who is Our Friend on SitOnOurFaceBook. (Speaking of Founding Fathers who are Our Friends on SitOnOurFaceBook, ya know who’s hot?  Thomas Jefferson, that’s who.  ROWWWRRRR!!!)

Wow.  With an opening like that, there are just so many directions today’s e-pissode could take. (How many of YouPeople realize that We’re only typing this next bit after spending a good fifteen minutes researching the whereabouts of the bust of Shakespeare prop with the switch to open the BatCave in it from the 60s TV series? Regrettably, We learned nothing definitive. (How it is that We’re still single, we’ll never know.))

Meanwhile, apropos of absolutely nothing that has gone before, indeed, ignoring Batman, Robin, Baskin Robbins, Alexander Hamilton AND The Jeffersons,  We are somewhat gratified to have obtained definitive proof that someone We were pretty sure is an asshole is, in fact, an asshole.  A minor victory, but a victory nonetheless lessthannuns.

But enough of this levity…We need to move it along so We can commence Our weekend…

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In addition to the previously-listed luminaries, it is also the birthday of Justin Bieber’s boyfriend, Lil Twist.  No doubt somebody is spending the day sliding down somebody’s BatPole, if you know what We mean.  And We think you do.  ‘Cause you’re dirty like that.

You are a little over-concerned with how people see you today (After Our recent bout of invisibility, can you blame Us?)

— that’s so unlike you! (On the other hand, that’s so Raven!)

Take care of any pressing PR needs you may have, but try to get back to your more important business quickly.   (So wait a minute….you just ask for a Puerto Rican, and they send you one?  What is it, like Chinese food?  Does he come on a bicycle?  (Is that too personal a question?))

 You are just finally coming around (The mountain when she comes (When she comes…))

(Sorry.)

to understanding the true scope of the amount of work you have to do today — at your job, in a romantic partnership or in a friendship. (Make up yo’ day-um mind, bee-yotch!)

This sudden realization could overwhelm you, but it doesn’t have to. (While We would be the first to admit that We could use a good whelming, there is certainly no reason to overdo it.)

The soldier in you (ExSQUEEZE Us?!?)

knows that you can do this!  (Of course We can!  Right after he shows Us his privates.)

No task is too tough for you, especially if you are humble and honest about how you’re feeling.  (And, as We are all well aware, “humble” and “honest” are Our middle names.  (Well, actually, Our middle names are “Humbert” and “Honoria”, but close enough.))

Reach out to the other person or people involved in this task, (And touch them?)

and get them to contribute to the solution.  (Or that.)

(Actually, We’d be happy if We could get them not to show you where We’d touched them on the doll.)

What they say about all work and no play just doesn’t apply to you right now.  (We’re confused…does that mean We ARE a dull boy, or We’re NOT a dull boy?)

You’re likely to be exceptionally involved with career matters, yet you’re looking hot  (Aren’t We though?  (You all do sincerely wish you could see Us at this very moment.  The hotness would likely blind you.))

and getting lots of attention while you’re at it. (Oddly enough, We have been feeling an attention deficit…)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

All around the mulberry bush, the Monkees chased the Beatles

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  JustAnotherMagicMikeMonday, December 10, 2012. Happy Human Rights Day to everyone who operates under the delusion that they have rights.

Okay, We’re not going to beat around the bush.  (There is, as far as We know, no such thing as a bushbeater. (Micro$oft Weird™, you will be happy to know, agrees with Us.) There is, however, such a thing as a bushwhacker.  (Again with Micro$oft Weird™’s Seal of Approval.)  So shouldn’t the saying be, “We’re not going to whack around the bush”?)

But We digress.

(Gawd, the comedy is suBtle in here this morning. (Meanwhile, apropos of absolutely nothing, We just started following Kirstie Alley on Twitter.))

But to return to Our point, We are not going to Whack-A-Mole around your guacamole bush.  (Nor shall We be jerkin’ your gherkin, at least until Our fee is discussed.  (Oooops…We digressed again.))

Lettuce start over:  today marks the 666^th post of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! (We’re trying out the exclamation points as of yesterday…We’re still not sure if they’re too much or not.)  here in Bloggonia.  (This does not, of course, count the thousands of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! emails that began in 2001 (Do We like the exclamation points better when it all looks like one word?  Who knows?)), the first few years of which are lost to antiquity.  (Or in antiquity…We’re never sure how that goes.  Because, seriously, how often does One say such a thing?))

The good news is that, other than the bits We ordinarily copy over from day to day, this is going to be an entirely original post.  Although We do trust that all Our newbs from Holidailies™ have enjoyed the Blasts-From-The-Past of the past two days. (And who doesn’t enjoy a good Pearl Harbor Day celebration?)

The bad news is that said original post has started out like this, and shows no signs of improving any time soon.

But plunging valiantly forward, speaking of Magic Mike, We watched said fillum yesterday.  Well, all except for ten minutes or so in the middle when We dozed off.  We were, to be charitable, considerably underwhelmed.  There is something about trying desperately to be sexy that makes people decidedly less sexy. Also, sorry, People magazine, but there are sexier men in the universe than Channing Tatum. Also also, is it just Us, or does Matthew McConaughey always look like he smells bad, and not in a good way? Also also also, Hollyweird could have saved a lot of money by sticking Cher on the set and shooting Burlesque at the exact same time.

In still other news, The Great Tea Drinking Challenge continues.  Day Two.  On the plus side, it is clearly not decaffeinated.  On the minus side, it is clearly not coffee.  Sigh.

Here, in case you missed it the past two days, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Hey did you guys know I have a dog? Yeah, me neither...

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

#FactsAboutMe Favorite color: Velcro.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Just shaved my legs. Off to the emergency room!!

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is That’s So Raven Symone’s birthday today.  Also, just in case you got up on the right side of the bed and were feeling spry and chipper and all, Susan Dey of The Partridge Family fame?  Turns sixty today.

You’re welcome.

You can’t help but feel a little subdued today (Also, suBtle.  Don’t forget Our suBtlety.  Or We shall bash your fuckin’ head in with it.)

— it’s in your soul!  (Hey, this is e-pissode 666…We done sold that shit on the eBay a while back.)

Sometimes even you need to rest and recharge your batteries, (Ever since We mixed up Our vibrator and our defibrillator….)

so take some time off and let yourself find peace and quiet.  (Maybe We should go over to Helen Keller’s house.)

(WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

You’re going to be dealing with some fragile egos today, (Also, some Fritos™ and frijoles.)

which could end up being quite tiresome for you. (Insert fart joke here.)

But in the end, taking extra time and effort to make these insecure people feel comfortable and important will be much easier than having to deal with their tantrums should their paranoia get the better of them.  (Kill ‘em all and let Satan sort ‘em out.)

Everyone’s emotions can be fragile now and then, (So the fuck what?  Why should We care?)

including yours.  (Sob!)

Try to remember that when you’re paying your tenth compliment of the hour.  (Oh, please.  We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)

 Set up your upcoming romantic or social schedule this morning, when plans are inclined to go your way.  (Who the hell has a romantic or social schedule in the MORNING?  It’s broad daylight, fercrissakes!  (Although it is, once again, some more, raining.))

By this afternoon, any agenda you attempt to carry out may be blocked by some strange energy.  (Our plans have already been thwarted once…DO NOT fuck with Us again.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.