Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, November
FiveTeenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Becky, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere in North Carolina. We
are fairly certain that We at one point knew where in North Carolina, but Our rememberer is not all that it once
was, and SitOnOurFaceBook is not being particularly forthcoming. We are just going to imagine that she is
somewhere in East or West North Carolina.
Because being in North North Carolina would be redundant, and being in
South North Carolina would make Us wonder how far south in North Carolina One
can go before One is actually in North South Carolina. And is it a gradual changeover, or is there
an actual line, where One could have one foot in South North Carolina, and one
foot in North South Carolina? And, if it
is an actual line, does anyone ever go there just to do the Hokey-Pokey?
More to the point, do neighbors across said
line in South North Carolina and North South Carolina ever chat across their
back fence about why they don’t just merge and make one big ol’ Carolina? Like the rice company?
(Parenthetically
(hence the parentheses), We just Googled the Carolina™ Rice Company on
Wikipedia. Their headquarters? Is in Allentown. Pennsylvania.
We call a geographic foul.)
Now, We completely understand why Virginia
and West Virginia don’t merge. We Our
Own Self Personally wouldn’t have West Virginia on a bet. But surely there
would be benefits to North and South Carolina doing it. AND North and South Dakota…the only way
anybody can tell those two apart is because one’s a top and one’s a
bottom. And We STILL can’t come up with
a way to distinguish Vermont from New Hampshire…
Here endeth today’s geography lesson. (How We don’t have a job teaching grade
school, We’ll never know.)
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Joe,
and Glenn, and Shaun, each of whom, turned twenty-four over the last few days,
and to John, who started rehearsals for turning twenty-four.
(Before We move on to Our absence (which
makes you Henry Fonda (the humor in here is so layered, so nuanced, so
multifaceted, it’s like an onion crossed with a diamond (unlike an onion
crossed with a donkey, which gives you a piece of ass so good, it makes you want
to cry))), an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! CONTEST!:
We frequently remark upon the fact that We
have seen (what We think is) quite a number of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Gentle
Readers nekkid. However, in November to
date, only ONE of the Gentle Readers to whom We have wished a Happy
Birthday/Belated Birthday has displayed his (or her (well, okay, HIS)) birthday
suit to Us.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it,
is to guess which one.
One guess per Gentle Reader, and the first
correct answer wins a prize.
And now, We know you are waiting with
(masterfully) bated breath (see what We did there?) to hear why We have been
absent from Bloggonia for two days.
Unfortunately, as one of the basic mission statements
of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is to make YouPeople feel better by comparison, We
cannot tell you.
Lettuce just say We’ve had a houseguest, and,
being an excellent host, We were busy paying more attention to people in Our actual
presence than to people on the InterNetz.
Moving on, in science news, the Washington Post wants you to know that
Uranus might be full of surprises:
And, in news from closer to home (and thus,
paradoxically, farther from Uranus), Justin Bieber kisses boys:
(Which, if you’ve so much as met Us, nakedly
skimmed Us, or even thought about showing
Us your birthday suit, you know Is all the mention it takes for Us to drag (Heh…she
said “drag”) Our Justin Bieber video in neck-and-crop:
)
(Also, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
This particular archival volume of memoirs is especially relevant today,
as it contains, amongst (many) other things, an account of Our field trip to
The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us) for the occasion of the aforementioned
Shaun’s twenty-fourth birthday (prior to this one)).
We have precious little else to report
(Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister. (Else is her married name. (Vacation time
shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of
February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor
with a side of smut, you check out Our
recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here:
or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in
the vicinity of here:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first,
nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is
above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your
friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
Okay, We just found
out that it’s Jimmy Choo’s birthday, so why the hell are We still talking to
YouPeople? Here, in lieu of
call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is A
Reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
Welcome back. Madame Olivia
is happy to see you again.
Madame Olivia would like to remind you
that all of us can make a tiny mistake once in a while, in one realm or
another. The thing is, that though we might fret, the result can open a whole
new way of thinking which can be tremendously positive. The takeaway? To enhance creativity, forget about
perfection! Apply this insight as needed and watch
what happens.
You know, little Aries,
people seem to expect high energy and bombastics from you a lot of the time.
What if you don't feel like putting out high energy and bombastics in a
particular arena? What if you feel like kicking back and letting someone else
do the spearheading? It's ok to hand the reins to someone else and take a time
out. In fact it may be essential for you and incidentally for the good of all.
Word of
the hour: connection
It's been a pleasure to be
with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
