June Cleaver is busting out all over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMonday, June 2^th , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Karly, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  We allegedly made not one, but two, student fillums with her a while back.  We say “allegedly”, because We have never seen said fillums, so their existence is unclear to Us.  Much like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?  Of course, the non-existence of said fillums would not necessarily be a terrible thing, We having a face for radio as We do.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Andre, and Jonathan, and Cut-Films, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  We have not made any fillums with Cut-Films, despite their having “Fillums” in their name.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Rob, also in Greater Bostonia.  Our Comeback Tour shall come there eventually, We promise.

So We had guests for Our murder mystery this weekend.  Which made it seem much less like work.  We are hearing from independent sources that Our guests are saying that a good time was had by all, so We guess We didn’t suck.  Ask Us about discount tickets to come see Us; in June, Our Fridays are the 13^th (dun-dun-DUN) and the 27^th.

In other news, We bought a new bathroom wastebasket.

You WISH you were (subjunctively) Us, but you couldn’t handle the glamour.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Libby Holman.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Libby Holman as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Libby Holman to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Jerry Mathers (of “and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver” fame) was born today. As was Martha Washington. And, presumably, her beaver.  Which, interestingly enough, had wooden teeth.  Sort of like Lincoln Logs™.  Except that was a whole ‘nother president. And if you think that We will stoop so low as to tell Mary Todd Lincoln’s vagina jokes, you’ve got a whole ‘nother think coming.

Vagina dentata, hakuna metata.  You say “po-TAY-to”, and We say “po-TAH-to”…find the keys and We’ll drive out.

Oooops.

Since there is clearly no way to top the preceding, herewith in lieu of call-and-response with Kelli The AssHatt is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

Here's a thought that is going to sound Biblical or Shakespearean, so wise is it and so well said: It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done! Guess who said it. Give up? Vincent van Gogh! He said it (in a letter to his brother, of course) in the context of staying connected to multiple people, which Madame Olivia preaches day and night. Hope this is timely for you.

And now, little Aries, good news from the stars above. The oft-noted movement of Neptune into Pisces augurs extremely well for you, especially as you find yourself in situations where you feel constrained. You might feel like busting loose but Madame Olivia counsels something simpler for you: be still and let yourself be open to a different way of doing things. This conscious openness will invite wonderful new thinking.

Virtue of the hour: patience

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Do you know the muffin man?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, June 4st, 2013.  It has come to Our attention that some Gentle Readers may be flummoxed by Our “Tuesday’s child is Jacques Cousteau” verse of late.  Here is a helpful hint:  begin singing at “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, then continue singing throughout.  You will be amazed, astonished, agog, and aghast.  You’re welcome.

Happy Birthday to Heather, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or at least in its suburbs.  Also, Happy Birthday to Colin, who also turns twenty-four today.  Although We are not entirely sure where.  Wherever it is, that lucky place is a great deal more beautiful due to his presence.

See?  We’re not ALWAYS a raving lunatic bitch.

Meanwhile, the Fringe application that had Us so verklempt yesterday turned out to be much ado about muffins.  (What does that even MEAN?  Who makes a fuss about muffins? (And does it make anyone ELSE verklempt that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “verklempt”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))  It was only the beginning application, where all they want is One’s money.  Since We HAVE no money, it was easy-peasy.

Muffins, muffins, muffins…that’s all I think about.

Can we have muffins?  Just you try and stop us!

(That last bit was for Heather.  No one else knows what the fuck We’re talking about.)

But, speaking of money, you can all be looking forward to a KickStarter campaign, with which We shall attempt to fund this ill-considered Fringe fiasco.  Or possibly an Indie-Go-Go. (If anyone has any experiences with either of those services, please share with Us.  Especially the latter, as We already know several folks who have used the former.)

Alternatively, Cher with Us:

If Ah could turn back Thai-yum…

Sorry.

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

In random celebrity birthday news, Angelina Jolie and Russell Brand are the exact same age today (and, presumably, every other day).  Dr.  Ruth Westheimer is considerably older.  Also, if someone were (subjunctively) going to teach Us something about sex (whatever THAT is), We would pick Angelina Jolie and/or Russell Brand LONG before We would pick Dr. Ruth Westheimer.  Just sayin’.

In Our continued efforts to upgrade the proceedings around here, We have actually stumbled upon an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) who is WORSE than Our AssHatted Gal Kelli.  In fact, We would venture to say that this character makes Kelli look like Shakespeare.  (Okay, not WILLIAM Shakespeare, his older brother, Hymie Shakespeare, but still.)  This mess is so bad that it practically mocks its own self.  Friends, Romanians, Cunt-rymen, lend Us your ears:

 (Speaking of Not-Shakespeare, Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “lend Us your ears” to “send Us your ears”.  Apparently, there is a lost Shakespearean play about Vincent van Gogh.  (In other news, those who were clutching their pearls over the last passage will be horrified to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ thinks “Cunt” is just fine.))

It prevents problems of health derived from a bad feeding, if do not know what needs to eat consults with a professional and begins to balance your diet. Rest more and it stops smoking. The spiritual power is translated simply and following the law of the smaller effort, like unconditional love, personal overcoming, and capacity for leadership, thus naturally and without will. The happiest and loved people are those that seed gratefulness and love. Innocent questionings to recover the power to change and to return to the present Earth, to obtain the vision that can of the have lost in the way automatism: What disappointment finished with my plans of life?

All together now:  That’s what SHE said!

List of things ain’t nobody got time for:

1.  That.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Hanging out on Second Avenue eating chicken vindaloo

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, March 23, 2011.  Happy Hump Day One And All, Monte Hall, Lauren Bacall. We are being quite easily distracted by bright, shiny InterNetz this morning, as We, for some reason, arose at the crack of ass to begin frutting and stretting Our hour upon the stage.  Unlike yesterday, when We had actual things We needed to accomplish, and somehow managed to stay fast abed until 11AM.  Why, even Himself was up before We were!  Today, when all We need to do is help Himself learn his  lines for gay sensitivity tomorrow (and We just counted them…he has  twenty-eight.  If only We were (subjunctively) paid per utterance HERE what HE is paid THERE, We would be supporting Ourself in the manner to which We wish to become accustomed. (We are apparently SO easily distracted that We’ve become distracted in the middle of explaining how easily distracted We are…oh, look; a balloon!)),  We have already gone off on a vindaloo-seeking tangent and beaten Our previous record at sudoku.

Does “gone off on a vindaloo-seeking tangent and beaten Our previous record at Sudoku” sound dirty to you?  Because (A.) it’s not, and (2.) you’re a filthy perverted bum-licker.

Micro$oft Weird™, for some reason, insists on capitalizing “sudoku”.  (Does “capitalizing sudoku” sound dirty to you?  Are you looking at porn in another window while you read this horoscope?  Show Us on the doll where you touched yourself…)

Yesterday, meanwhile, was the birthday of both Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Weber.  We?  Did not get so much as a morsel of cake.

Speaking of gay sensitivity (We just LOVE saying that…as We all know, Himself is ten of the most sensitive gays We know.  Why, he’s just like that princess, in the fairy tale The Princess and the Pee. (We know, We know…you’re going to tell Us it’s actually The Princess and the Pea.   Well, The Princess and the Pee is the lesser-known original Grimm (also, grim) fairy tale, in which Her High-ness is kept awake by chronic bedwetting.  Because, seriously, what would give YOU more trouble sleeping?  A random legume, or urine-soaked sheets?  Thought so. (“Random Legume” is, of course, either a minor character in Guys and Dolls, or one of the answers on the Magic 8-Ball™. (You thought We were going to say it was Our nickname in high school, didn’t you?  We scoff at your expectations of predictability.  (Also, what kind of stupid nickname would “Random Legume” be? (It occurs to Us at this very second that it is possible that “Random Legume” was Orson Bean’s real name.  But then who the hell would CHOOSE to be called “Orson Bean”?))))))…you thought We had lost the thread, didn’t you?  Oh, no, Vincent van Gogh.  Speaking of gay sensitivity, there will be no episode of Erix Daily Horoscope tomorrow, as Himself has to be up at the crack of ass to transport his gay sensitive ass (as well as the rest of him(self)) to the provinces to do gay sensitivity training.  And somehow, We find that We just can’t write when Himself’s not in his bed, snoring away.  Sigh. Cain’t help lubbin’ dat man of mine…

We are thinking that “gay sensitive ass” really DOES sound dirty.  Also, that some ointment might be in order. Also also, that it was, quite possibly, Himself’s nickname in high school.

Apropos of nothing, sometimes brilliancies occur to Us and We have nowhere apt to display them. To wit:  “Let he who is without chin cast Franchot Tone”.

Don’t forgot to make your reservations to laugh at Himself and his little friends on April Fool’s Day:  http://thewineroom.com/wineroom.cfm?t=main&p=main  .

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.):

And so, without pork vindaloo:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

You need to deal with some people you don’t know well (We’d know them a whole lot better medium rare.  Just sayin’.)

— but you’ve got just the right kind of energy to build bridges.  (We do not, however, have the energy to Beau Bridges.  Although We might be persuaded to attempt to muster some for Jeff Bridges.  Lloyd Bridges, as We are sure We have pointed out before, is dead, and, consequently, requires virtually no energy whatsoever.)

In fact, even language barriers aren’t all that problematic for you!  (Mais oui, zat eez becauze We speek in, how-you-say, zee tongues.  As in, “Zis tongue seats five.”)

Breathe easy (Hey, they won’t buy the balloon if they can get the air for free.)

(We’ve never understood that saying.  Even when there are cows in it.  Cows and milk are two quite different things, no?  You ever see a filet mignon made out of milk?  Or a leather jacket?  

(Sixteen vegans just spontaneously combusted.  That, in case you were wondering, is why it smells like edamame farts in here.  (Edamame Farts was, of course, the wacky next door neighbor on the failed 60s sitcom, I Love Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.)))

(That may be the best drug joke We’ve ever told in here.  It was certainly the most circuitous.)

— today you will get a lot closer to answering the questions you’ve been wrestling with. (If you’ve seen Our ass recently, it will come as no surprise to you that the wrestling in question is sumo wrestling.)

Before the day is through, you’ll be taken to the right place and given all the right tools (An adz, an awl, and a rusty Phillips head screwdriver.  Kiss Us quick, We’re MacGuyver.  Well, actually, Tranny MacGuyver.  (Everybody wave hi to the lovely and talented Willam Belli.  Hi, Willam!)  

Meanwhile, whoever Phillip was, he must have had an extremely peculiar head.)

to contemplate your situation and think through your options. (We love options.  They make it so much easier to do the wrong thing.)

There’s no such thing as bad answers (There is, however, such a thing as really stupid questions.)

— just right answers. (What about WRONG answers, twatnozzle?  Are you saying there’s no such thing as those?)

(We just this very minute made up “twatnozzle”.  You can tell, because Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think it’s a word.  But if you use it three times in a sentence, it’s yours.  Twatnozzle, twatnozzle, twatnozzle.  (Oh, look:  Michael Keaton!))

(We were going to throw you a curve and say “Buster Keaton”, but We found that the joke became too obscure.  Also, Diane Keaton got a restraining order, and Meredith Baxter Birney isn’t funny anymore.)

(Honk if you know why Meredith Baxter Birney was in that sentence.  (Clearly, We are going for Most Celebs Named In A Single Erix Daily Horoscope.  You would think there was a prize.  There isn’t.  Because, if there (subjunctively) were, We’d have to buy it, and wrap it, and present it to Ourself, and, really, why bovver? (Sorry…We can’t hear for all the honking.  It’s like somebody’s trying to squeeze the shit out of a whole flock of geese.)))

(Aaaaand in one swell foop, We’ve tied in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Albert Camus Maya Angelou Horton Hears A Who My Sweet Babboo. Because Our storylines are like the finely-tuned mechanism of a Swiss crotch.)

(We have just been trying to put all of today's celebs in the label field.  Everybody from Diane Keaton on didn't fit.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

So don’t be afraid to dig deep into your subconscious and face some nagging fears. (Thank you Sigmund Freud.  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  Other times, it’s a really nasty butt plug.)

(Try not to dwell.  (Okay, if you’re dwelling, We will just mention that We’ve just given the Chantix™ people a brilliant commercial idea.  (See?  Next time, when We say “Don’t dwell”, DON’T.)))

This may be a time when you have to give something up to get something you need. (We have already given up sacrifice for Lent.)

(We were going to make a “sacrifice fly” joke there, but that would involve Our finding out what the hell a sacrifice fly is.  Plus, it’s been far too long since We’ve had anything to do with a fly that was not Our Own.  Sigh.  Not funny.)

Some seriously active energy is coming your way, (As opposed to what?  Seriously INactive energy?  Asshat.)

 but before you launch yourself into furious action, (Now THERE’S a picture.)

do your homework (The dog ate it.)

and find something new that involves new faces (Does it involve sitting on them?)

— your enthusiasm is sure to be a big hit! (Especially with an exclamation point after it! Oh, look: sparkles!)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.