Where are my rubbers to ford the storm?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThurThurThursDayGoodByeThurThurThursDayDon’tCry, November 8, 2012.  Whether the weather be hot, or whether the weather be crap, We are pretty sure that Hurricane Sandy Duncan went to the weatherweirdos heads, because, while We don’t know about where you are, and while We certainly don’t know about Where The Boys Are, where We are, yesterday’s weather warnings were much ado about doo-doo.  Which, as We have already mentioned, cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery (for which there is simply no synonymous phrase involved words beginning with Ws, worse luck.)

(Here is that paragraph again, in Our efforts to make Dippity-Do™ a thing, much like “fetch” in Mean Girls, mainly for the amusement of Our Sistah Ovella:

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThurThurThursDayGoodByeThurThurThursDayDippityDon’tCry, November 8, 2012.  Whether the weather be hot, or whether the weather be crap, We are pretty sure that Hurricane Sandy Duncan went to the weatherweirdos heads, because, while We dippity-don’t know about where you are, and while We certainly dippity-don’t know about Where The Boys Are, where We are, yesterday’s weather warnings were much a-dippity-do about dippity-doo-doo.  Which, as We have already mentioned, cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery (for which there is simply no synonymous phrase involved words beginning with Ws, worse luck.)

Fun, no?  Notice that We also made it the color of Dippity-Do™. (Well, one of them.)  You’re welcome.)

We did, however, use Our new-found freedom to attend a beer tasting.  You will be shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, to learn that it tasted like beer.

In other news, here is this, in which a Republican YouTuber responds to the election results.  It is COMPLETELY Not Safe For Work, and is really, really long, but if you fast-forward and sample, you will assuredly get the gist:

http://gawker.com/5958673/unhinged-conservative-youtuber-goes-on-priceless-drunken-hyper+rant-over-obama-victory?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_twitter&utm_source=gawker_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

In other other news, the lovely people at Garnier-Nutrisse™ have sent Us an email whose subject line is: “Your new hairstyle is calling, Starzina.”  Calling from where, and what the hell’s this on Our head, then?

(It didn’t actually say “Starzina”; We were using Our poetic license. And it’s a good thing We got Our poetic license out, as We’ve just noticed that it’s expired.   We shall have to go down to the Department of Poetic Licenses and have Our photo taken.  (Is it just Us, or is that a Monty Python sketch just waiting to happen?  Somebody get John Cleese on the phone.))

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Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

What? What? WHAT?  It is Parker Posey’s birthday!  No wonder the sun is shining just a little brighter today!

 Try to slow down and take things one step at a time — otherwise, you are sure to stumble!  (Ya wanna know when you’re sure to stumble?  If you try to take things one step at a time in a twelve-step program for two-steppers addicted to The Thirty-Nine Steps.  Just sayin’.)

Things may start to look pretty weird for you (Apparently…what with Our new hairstyle calling Us on the phone and all.)

if you can’t take a break, (Bake a cake.)

(What?)

(Mmmm…cake.)

so force yourself to do what’s right.  (Why is it One never has to force Oneself to do what’s wrong?)

 An analytical friend’s advice is still humming in your mind — how can they see things so clearly? (The rain must be gone.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

To you, life isn’t always black and white like that. (Of course it isn’t.  If you live long enough, you will learn that life is generally mulatto and octoroon.)

(Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist.)

But, while your appreciation of the gray areas of human relationships may add drama and conflict to your life, would you really want it any other way? (Hey, We have Garnier-Nutrisse™.  We don’t have “gray areas”.)

Do an experiment today to find out. (Lettuce just fire up Our Bunsen burner.)

(If you were wondering if that was a euphemism, then you just haven’t been paying attention.)

Try to avoid too much deliberation. (So you’re saying to deliberately avoid deliberating?)

Consider your options and then decide immediately. (Wait…We have options?)

Find out if all the time you usually spend debating decisions is worth it.  (Well, they might be, but then again, they might not be.  We can’t decide.)

Nothing is sexier than peace of mind. (Um, Johnny Depp?  Prince Harry?  Ryan Phillippe? Jonathan Lipnicki?)

(Where are Our smelling salts?)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  JustAnotherMadCowMonday, November 5, 2012.  Happy Guy Fawkes Day to, presumably, all the Guys he’s Fawked. (Are We a cunning linguist, or what?  (WHO said, “Or what.”?))  Happy birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Rachel, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit (“albeit”, people!  We speak in frigging TONGUES in here!) only for the second time.  But she’ll learn.

We just discovered a Magic Marker™ in Our pants pocket that We had forgotten putting there.  For just a moment, We thought We were very happy to see Us.

Two paragraphs in, and already a dick joke.  That should give you some idea of how Our morning is going.   Although clearly it’s already a much better week than last week.  Still, now that We are twenty-four Our Own Self, this changing-the-clocks business kicks Our substantial ass no matter which way We’re changing ‘em.  Sigh.

Let’s see, what else is new.  We may have mentioned that, on Friday night, We were off to see the dinner theatre murder mystery currently playing at the place that is on the verge of purchasing Our script.  We had already read the current script, but to see it brought to life…lettuce just say, there’s a bunch of actors who should be kissing Our very feet.

Over the rest of the weekend, We finished hauling all of Our crap back into Our basement following the Hurricane Sandy Duncan debacle.  (Insert “eye of the hurricane” joke here.)  Except for Our Christmas tree.  We saw no good reason to lug those three giant boxes back downstairs, only to lug them right back up three weeks later.  So We have erected (ahem) said tree, leaving it undecorated (because, while We may be crazy, We are not INSANE), and We are pretending it’s a bizarre artificial houseplant.  Sort of a phlighty philodendron, or a fucked-up ficus, if you will.  Or even if you won’t.  It’s not YOUR house…who the hell do you think you are?

The following is a Public Service Announcement for SitOnMyFaceBook users:

SitOnMyFaceBook now informs those who send SitOnMyFaceBook messages when those messages have been read, and by which of the intended recipients (if there are more than one).  So now, when We send you a SitOnMyFaceBook message, and you ignore Us, We know that you are being a douchebag.  KThxBye.

Also, dear Micro$oft Weird™:  “douchebag” is so too a word.  Spend some time on SitOnMYFaceBook and you will change your tune.

We are completely overcaffeinated.  (Also a word, Micro$oft Weird™!  We’ve had just about enough of you!)

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Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Today?  Is Vivien Leigh’s birthday.  Were she (subjunctively) still amongst the living, she would be ninety-nine years old.  Fiddle-dee-dee, indeed-y.

Kelli, meanwhile, in a fit of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulistic) brilliance, would like Us to know that it is Kevin Jonas’s birthday today.  Kevin Jonas, for the edification of Our Gentle Readers who may have better things to do than keeping their Jonas Brothers straight (as it (subjunctively) were), would be the ugliest Jonas Brother.  You’re welcome.

Now is a great time for catharsis  (Just don’t get it mixed up with catheters or cataracts or catarrh.)

— and it’s better for you to get started yourself than to have it thrust upon you! (Are We still talking about the same thing?)

 Things may look a lot more interesting once you’ve settled some old scores.  (Or watched an old Scorsese film.)

(No, We have no idea what We’re talking about.  Why do you ask?)

If you have an urge to tell a particularity rude person what you think of them, don’t suppress it — vent it!  (Oh, We are very on the verge of some venting, lettuce tell you.)

Someone in your life who rarely if ever considers other people’s feelings is in desperate need of a wakeup call today — and you are the perfect person to dial their number.  (Unfortunately, part of this person’s particular rudeness is ignoring telephonic communications.)

(On the other hand, We know where he lives…)

Your wit, (See, They say “keep your wits about you”.  Unfortunately, We only have the one.)

coupled with your tact (Our wuuutttt?)

and a huge dose of truth, (AKA troof.)

will combine to create an effective sally (Who da fuq is Sally?)

that puts them in their place without making you look harsh.  (Quite frankly (who da fuq is Frankly?), We’re on the verge of being so pissed off, We don’t care how harsh We look.)

 You’re feeling a little stiff these days when it comes to socializing. (No, that’s a Magic Marker™.)

(See, in comedy, We call that a “call back” to an earlier joke.  But We are a Highly Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

In fact, you feel like a pale imitation of your usual self.  (Which must mean We are The Whitest Woman in the Whole Wide World.)

(In other news, We just booked a focus group.  For Wednesday.  Which is also the day of Our script reading.  When it rains, it whores.  (That’s what They say, isn’t it?  Why does anyone listen to Them?))

Stop being so hard on yourself  (We done tole you…it’s a Magic Marker™.)

(We just called back the call back.  Are We skilled or what?  (Don’t say it. (Actually, that last bit was also a call back, within Our calling out of Our call back of the other call back.  The cunning linguistics are goddamn knee deep in here. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Britney Spears, ‘cause ooops, We did it again.)))

(Apropos of nothing, it just occurred to Us that We weren’t invited to Justin Timberlake’s wedding neither.)

— you don’t have to be the life of the party every single time.  (But just once, We’d love to be the death of it.)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Toot-Toot-Tootsie, goodbye!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 28, 2011.  In honor of last night’s Gay Super Bowl, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Lana Turner Tina Turner Pancake Turner Nat Turner’s Come And Gone is the most glamorous pixture We could find (because everyone else is already using the pixture of James Franco in the dress).  While it might appear to some untrained eyes to be a pixture of Yours Truly Starzina Her Own Self, it is actually a pixture of Our sister, Tipsy.  Bask in her glamour, if you dare.

We, of course, missed a large portion of the Gay Super Bowl, as We were in attendance at Himself’s show.  Not that any of YouPeople would KNOW that We were in attendance at Himself’s show, but that is where We were.  (Himself, We might add, is, you might say, not pleased. (You might also say “royally pissed”.  Which you might follow up with a “queen” joke, inciting Himself to punch you in your face.  Your call.))

We joined the Gay Super Bowl “already in progress”, as they say, around about when some animatronic version of Billy Crystal was chatting with Bob Hope.  Then Celine Dion sang about dead people, they gave a bunch of awards to The King’s Speech, and a bunch of retarded kids sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  Some of the retards were dressed in green, and the rest were dressed in blue.  We don’t know about you, but where We come from, two colors do not a rainbow make.  Leave it to Hollyweird to dredge up the only costume designer who’s also a member of the Ku Klux Klan.    Or perhaps the retards’ costumes were designed by the same idiot who did their “choreography”, which appeared to consist of depriving them all of their antiepilepsy medication for two weeks prior to the performance.  Gah!

Despite Our Brittanian roots, We Our Own Self Personally were rooting, not for The King’s Speech, but for The Social Network.  Which makes a lovely segue (what’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.), as the next few things We intend to complain about involve SitOnMyFaceBook.  First offal, (heh.  See what We did there?) We have said it before and We will say it again:  if you are so upset that you are changing your SitOnMyFaceBook status hourly to tell Us all how upset you are, then you are just not upset enough.  However, if you are FatAss McBitchyStein, who spent the brief period during which We were in each other’s orbit attempting to thwart Us at every turn and make Our life miserable, and you are changing your SitOnMyFaceBook status hourly to tell Us all in great detail about the trials and tribulations of what you pitifully refer to as your life, you will simply have to forgive Us if Our response is to laugh and laugh and laugh.  Stupid cow.

Micro$oft Weird™ keeps changing “Us” to ”US”.  We are a queen, not a country, Micro$oft Weird™; try to keep up.

In other SitOnMyFaceBookian news, didja know that, if One refuses to engage with TheCrazy, TheCrazy is subsequently entitled to interpret One’s non-behavior as though any number of non-existent conversations and incidents have taken place?  Yeah, neither did We.  Until recently.  Seriously, boyz and gurllzz, We were mastering social media while you were still fashioning your first homemade crackpipe out an old TV dinner tray; leave Us out of your trauma-drama.  KThxBye.

In still other news, people lie.  But then, you probably knew that.

Meanwhile, it is so dark outside that it appears the world may end at any moment.  So We shall hasten to publish this epistle, so that the world may end, not with a Ubangi, but with a wimple.

Try not to let any opportunities slip through your fingers today. (Indeed not.  We shall be slogging out in the monsoon later to go to the CVS, where they have several items they will be paying Us to remove from their store.  Beyond that, We shall be speaking with a potential tutee (a tutee being, for those not in the know, one who is tutored (as opposed, of course, to one who is tooted, which We mention only to allow YouPeople the opportunity to make some crass skin-flute joke.  You’re welcome))) and thanking Our lucky Chicken With Stars that this evening’s rehearsal was cancelled.)

 That means you need to pay close attention (I’m sorry…what?)

and be flexible enough to move quickly when the time is right. (Have you seen Us lately?  Our “flexible” and “quickly” days are clearly behind Us.  As is a midget with a wheelbarrow to haul Our big fat ass around.  Every time We toot, We have to get a new midget.)

(Surely you realized that that toot joke was going to continue to haunt you?)

Things are moving now!  (Toot!  Toot!)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Your impatience has been growing lately, (HOW DARE YOU?  We have no time for your impudence.  Get thee behind Us, midget!  Toot!  Toot!)

(There’s a whole midget and tooting motif now, didja notice?  We?  Are an artiste.)

and today you might feel as if your life is moving at a frustratingly glacial pace. (We are pretty sure that there are days when We could race a glacier and lose.  Today, for example, would appear to be just such a day.  (In other non-sequiturs, The Amazing Race is neither amazing nor a race; discuss. (On the other hand, We would tune into that show a lot more often if it were (subjunctively) called The Amazing Racist.)))

But this change of rhythm is a very good thing. (Who could ask for anything more?)

(The old folks got that, yes?)

Give yourself time to acclimate to the slower pace, and soon the process will feel downright pleasant. (Ya know, if you re-read the preceding sentence a few times, it gets dirtier every time.  Just sayin’.)

With less speed and less noise, (Where’s the fun in THAT?)

you will be able to listen to yourself (Why?  Nobody else does.)

and conserve your energy much more effectively. (Oh, yes.  The conservation of energy.  Now THERE’S a sure-fire good time, eh?)

If you just race through the day, (Amazingly?)

you may never know the romantic wonders you’re running past. (But We bet We’d wonder about them.  Wonderingly.  (We would toot on this entire concept, but only if We could be guaranteed that pieces would fly out simultaneously.))

Find time to linger over that latte instead of taking it to go (Or finger over the fatte.  (Hey, sometimes you just have to go where The Muse takes you.))

— someone awesome might catch your eye!  (And here, We thought the fact that We had a glass eye was a well-kept secret.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Sandy Duncan.))

(TOOT!!!)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.