Go, go, go, Joseph Gordon Levitt

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManEatingManateeMonday,  November Tenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to MizLOretta, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.

Happy Belated Birthday to Angelique (because We are so cool that We know people named “Angelique”), and to Henrik, and to Keith, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

So there We were, one night this weekend, lying in Our bed, trying to go to sleep.  Picturing Joseph Gordon Levitt.  As One does.  But We could not for the life of Us think of his name. 

We knew it was a three-name name.  Like James Earl Jones.  Or John Wilkes Booth.  Or Jada Pinkett Smith.  

And We knew it started with a J.  Like James Earl Jones.  Or John Wilkes Booth.  Or Jada Pinkett Smith. 

Although We were fairly certain that it wasn’t James Earl Jones.  Or John Wilkes Booth.  Or Jada Pinkett Smith.

We knew that, in the very next room, there was a copy of both Mysterious Skin and Latter Days, which would have told Us Our answer, without having to go all the way to the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and wake Ourself up by Googling on Wikipedia. And eventually, the name just occurred to Us.  As such things do. Like James Earl Jones.  Or John Wilkes Booth.  Or Jada Pinkett Smith.

Does this sort of thing ever happen to anyone else?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

Is anyone else amazed at how quickly  #alexfromtarget  has become Not A Thing Anymore?  Although We were at the CVS yesterday, and if We could have thought of a polite way to take a picture, #lukefromCVS would totally be A Thing today.

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthdays, sorry, Celebrtiy Birthday Website, but part of the definition of “celebrity” is “somebody somebody has heard of”.  If the biggest celebrity in your Top Ten for the day is Martin Luther (ya know, the guy who nailed his feces to some church door), it may be time to give it up for the day and start over again tomorrow.  (Also, if your feces can be nailed to a church door, you might want to reconsider your diet.  Just sayin’.)

·         Aries Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.

·         Taurus Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.

·         Gemini Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.

·         Cancer You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the bullshit.

·         Leo It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.

·         Virgo You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.

·         Libra Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who."

·         Scorpio The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.

·         Sagittarius Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.

·         Capricorn This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.

·         Aquarius You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.

·         Pisces You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

We’ve got an opening (heh) for a princess

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowbackThursdayAtThurgoodMarhsall’sHouse, October 31^nd, 2013.

It being the third day in a row of Our having no personal and/or SitOnMyFaceBook acquaintances’ birthdays to celebrate, We shall just point out that, in addition to the horror of Halloween, both Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice were born today. (Not, We hasten to Aunt Clarify, in the same year.)

Our WorldWideInterWebNetz, meanwhile, are all a-Twatter with the sentiment that, if Willow Smith were (subjunctively) to strap on a little white penis and slather on some whiteface to go trick-or-treating as Vanilla Ice, that would be perfectly fine, but if Vanilla Ice were to slap on some Ben Nye™ Light Egyptian and whip his hair back and forf (does Vanilla Ice still have hair?) to go trick-or-treating as Willow Smith, that would somehow be racist. Which it may well be, but, if you intend to convince Us, you will need to make a better argument than, “Well, it just is, because it IS.”

Of course, you are not reading this e-pisstle to hear Us hold forf on weighty issues like racism.  (You ARE reading this out loud, aren’t you?)  You are reading it to hear Us imagine Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice going trick-or-treating as each other, TOGETHER, and, more to the point, what Will and Jada will say when they find out that a forty-six year old man has taken their thirteen year old daughter trick-or-treating.

In other completely random celebrity news, We had a dream the other night in which The Sainted Mother and all of her sisters (no idea where her brothers were) had gathered together because their mother was in the hospital. All of her sisters, We should say, but one, and it was, consequently, left  up to Us to explain the situation, over the phone, to The Sainted Mother’s absent sister…Carol Burnett.  Carol, naturally, had her own point of view regarding the situation, which she seemed to think was entirely Sally Struthers’s fault.  (Well, Carol called her “Gloria”, but We KNEW who she meant.)

Speaking of dreams, in the wake of all of Our recent “Picturing People Naked” Weeks, We would like you all to know that, as We move into a brand new month, We shan’t be picturing anybody naked for a while.  No, indeed, We shan’t be Envisioning Allen’s Tomahawk, or Tiptoeing Through The Tulips Of Kevin’s Manscaping, or Picturing…well, We never DID actually SEE Peter naked, but a girl can dream, can’t she?  There will be no more conjuring up images of Lex’s eggroll, only to re-conjure them half an hour later when We are hungry again, and no more imagining what tricks or treats are nestled like sugarplums in OurThreeSons’ Jeggings™. (Is it warm in here, or is it just Us?)

We trust that none of these lovely gentlemen will expire from the dearth of attention.  And We sincerely hope they will keep perusing these e-pisstles, despite their absence from their pages. Perhaps they will even deign to explain how it is that We didn’t receive so much as a single sext after almost of month of this shameless behavior…

Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Urban Dictionary wants Us to know that an example of a “bad porno pun” is “You’ve Got Male Genitalia” as a play on “You’ve Got Mail”.  Thanks, Urban Dictionary.

Meanwhile, in the interests of holiday spirit, here’s this:

http://dontpkethebear.com/18-examples-of-incredibly-impressive-halloween-makeup-to-creep-you-out/

                                            

and this:

http://www.whatthefuckshouldibeforhalloween.com/

And here is the HorrorScope:

That little pain in your foot  (What about that little pain in Our assz?)

or digestive issue may start to flare up today — so pay careful attention and try not to make it worse. It’s a good day to follow up with health care professionals.  (Wait…is this a horoscope, or a rectal exam?)

The people closest to you are starting to see you in a brand new light right now.  (That’s because Our duodenum glows in the dark.)

Maybe it’s the changes you’ve been making in your life, maybe it’s the changes that they’ve made in theirs.  (Maybe Allen’s tomahawk is helicoptering while Lex plays “Hide-the-Eggroll”.)

(Oooops… We forgot Ourself.)

Either way, this is a day when you will see little if any conflict happening.   (Sez you.  Bitch.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Everyone is on your side, (Or Our back…one of those.)

and they all agree with your ways of thinking. (Yeah. THAT could happen.)

All of this wonderful collaboration means one thing — progress!  (An example of how Our mind works:  We are looking at the word “progress”.  It causes Us to neologize the word “frogress”.  Which is either some feminine form of “frog” or a cross between a “frog” and an “ogress”.  Which then makes Us wonder why there even IS a feminine form of “ogre”, because, really?  If you’ve got an ogre to deal with, do you really care if it’s a man or a woman?  On the other hand, if it’s a frogress, you MIGHT want to know about gender, because, if you kiss it, you might want to know if you’re getting a prince or a princess.  As the majority of people would in fact, have a preference.)

(Prince Harry naked.)

(Vacation timeshares in (what passes for) Our mind are now being booked through early 2014.)

You could finish up everything today if you pull everyone together.  (But there are seven of ‘em…well, EIGHT, counting Prince Harry…and We’ve only got two hands.)

There’s lots of silly little details to take care of today, (There certainly are…so We’d best wrap this up.)

though you’d rather focus on the larger, sweeter, more romantic side of life. (Oh, great…keep talking like that, and We’ll NEVER stop picturing those people naked.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Gliddy gloop gloopy. Nibby nabby nooby la, la, la, lo, lo.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ToozDee, September 18, 2012.  Happy birthday to Liz, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In fact, We wished three people a happy birthday on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning, and, as near as We can tell, not ONE of them was turning twenty-four.  Sigh.  Fortunately, an arcane WorldWideInterWebNetzian alerting service alerted Us to a fourth birthday…so happy birthday to JR, who turns twenty-four today.

That almost sounds like an endorsement of “ask and ye shall receive”, dunnit?  Well, it’s not.  Once again, around these parts, We have had proven for Us “ask and ye shall NOT receive”, which is the corollary to “don’t look forward to anything, because you will assuredly be disappointed”, which can be stated more succinctly as “expect nothing, and you’ll be disappointed anyway”.  Sigh.

But enough of this levity.  Tickets are selling like hotcakes for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar  There are only six more shows:  Wednesday at 7:30 and 9:30, Friday and Saturday at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  People were seriously complaining on Sunday that their faces hurt from laughing so hard.  We are NOT making that up.

Here is a little interview with HimSelf:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:  http://blog.livearts-fringe.org/2012/09/14/philly-fringe-vital-stats-jesus-christ/

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, see, now.  That jackass of a Kelli told Us that Jada Fucking Pinkett Smith’s birthday was yesterday, and here it turns out it’s today.  You are an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) with ONE fucking job to do, and you can’t even get THAT right.  Meanwhile, today is also June Foray’s NINETY-FIFTH birthday.  Who is June Foray, you ask?  Only the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel in Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Someone close to you needs some serious help  (Oh, please…EVERYONE close to Us needs some serious help.)

— and you are the only one who can give it to them!  (But who’s going to give it to Us?)

Make sure that you’re really listening, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

as they may clue you into something quite important.  (Alternatively, they may tell Us how they keep their toilet bowl clean between scrubbings.)

There’s no need to keep worrying about a conversation that you need to have today  (No one will return Our phone calls/emails/text messages anyway.)

— all you need to do is look the other person right square in the eyes,  (Who is this “other person” of whom you speak?)

 and everything will be fine. (And dandy.  Like a hard-candy Christmas.)

(What?)

Your image matters, (Not, apparently, to anyone but Us, but still…)

and you need to be mindful of how you come across to the other person.   (Again with this “other person” delusion.  Honey, when they are inflatable, they don’t really count.)

You need to look calm, confident and correct. (The phrase you are looking for is “cool, calm, and collected”.  Cunt.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “Cunt.” is a sentence fragment.  Thank you, Micro$oft Weird™.)

What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it, (Clearly, that is why you are such a brilliant writer, Kelli.  Oh, also?  Shut. Up.)

so spend more time preparing your demeanor,  (To say nothing of Our misdemeanor.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

and make sure you are dressed appropriately.  (What does One wear to a Lithuanian luau?)

(We have no idea where that came from…just go with it.)

Feeling as if you’ve hit the wall, romantically speaking? (Actually, that doesn’t sound romantic at all.)

It’s time to call up someone who knows what they’re talking about.  (Well, that leaves out everyone who is currently speaking.)

Who possesses love longevity? (Lorna Luft?  Lindsay Lohan?  Larry Linville?)

(That?  Was much easier than you would think it would be.  True fact.)

 Find out the key to their success and proceed accordingly.  (Or just tell that old joke whose punchline is, “Find the keys and we’ll drive out”.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.