I’d like to buy the world a Coke™…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThusdayThrowingUmaThurmanIntoThurgoodMarshall’sThermalUnderwear…what the fuck were We talking about again?

October Fifteenst, 2015.

We have not epistlized since August TwennyFifst.  Didja miss Us?  (Where’d all those crickets come from?)

We only stopped by today because it is, as you no doubt already know, Friedrich Nietzsche’s birthday.  Friedrich Nietzsche (or “Friedie”, as We like to call him) is the philosopher who announced that God is dead.  We decline to opine upon that proclamation, but We are fairly certain that We can all agree that Friedrich Nietzsche is dead.  Possibly because he shares a birthday with Penny Marshall.

In case you’ve missed an e-pissode, here is Our disclaimer explaining how We went from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!  (We shall turn it blue, so avid Gentle Readers can skip past it.  Because We?  Have that power.):

Since We have switched from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! (which means, of course, that We only e-pisstlize an e-pissode when We are having Our period (just kidding…if We e-pisstlized an e-pissode every time We were having Our period, it would be Eric’s!Quarter-Hourly!Horoscope!)), We have undergone some suBtler format changes as well.  For instance, We initially started keeping notes of Our daily dystopian debacles, so that We could complain all at once.  This concept quickly fell by the wayside, as We realized We were running the risk of alienating one or more of Our Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice, if somewhat screed-averse).

So now, you will be getting a more bullet-pointed approach to Our world since last We e-pisstlized.  What’s more, We shall actually leave off complaining (no, not entirely) and include some GOOD things that might have happened to Us (albeit clearly by accident).

Now that THAT’S out of the way, We can move on to the birthday wishes.  Apparently, everyone from Aaron to Zach had a birthday today.  Seriously.  And, in what We imagine to be an Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! first, We are wishing a Happy Birthday to Gentle Readers in THREE (count ‘em, THREE) different countries.

So Happy Birthday to Aaron, who, unlike most Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Gentle Readers does NOT turn twenty-four today. (In South Africa, mind you, but whatevs.)  He turns EIGHTEEN, so  it’s probably a good thing that We don’t know him personally.  More importantly, it’s probably a good thing that We don’t know him biblically.

Happy Birthday also to Cathy, who DOES turn twenty-four today, in some suburb called Chest Wester. Cathy is a lovely lady, but seriously, what kind of name for a suburb is Chest Wester? Chest Wester is clearly the name of the hero from a Harlequin romance novel, who raises horses, repairs antique cars, and plays lead guitar in a rock band on the weekends…

We’re sorry…were We still talking?  Where are Our smelling salts?

Happy Birthday also to Ian, who turns twenty-four today in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, which sounds like three different countries, but isn’t.

Also, Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay, and to Michael and the aforementioned Zach, who turn twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

The preceding folks are all Libras, as We have moved into that sign now.  Our Libra video is above (and IS safe for work); the link with which you may Cher it with your friends is:  https://youtu.be/XEd2UNc29Sk  (Naturally, We know you WON’T share it, but We have to try.)

Meanwhile, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, now that We are periodically periodic with periodicity, We have a lot of Belated Birthdays upon which to comment.  In the interest of keeping their numbers manageable, We have only been wishing Happy Belated Birthday to all of the hot gentlemen (in their hot birthday suits) who have celebrated their nativities (in their hot birthday suits) since last We e-pisstlized an e-pissode. We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled:

So, Happy Belated Birthday to Ron, Philip, Matt, Johnny, Jack, Charlie, Evan, Mikel, Mo’Niques, Michael, Patrick, Greg, Tyson, Lex, Gil, Richard, Skye, Jim, Noah,  Scott, Chad, Jake, Eric, Ben, Alex, Kevin, Tyler, Josh, Taylor, Ken, Jesse, and Steve.

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of all of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday above, We have seen exactly FOUR  of them in their birthday suits.  (SIX if you count pictures and videos (and We DO)).

Which is much better than Our usual odds but still…what the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

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We do have ACTUAL news going on:  We are directing a show called The Madness of Poe, which will be performed 10/23, 10/24, 10/30, and 10/31 at 7 at Strawberry Mansion, with a pay-what-you-will-dress at 7 on Thursday, 10/22.  And imagine if you will being Us early this afternoon, when one of the three actors in the show announced that he would be unable to do it (did We mention that it opens one week from today?)  Fortunately, We are now recast (kudos to Our producer, who accomplished same in exactly SIX MINUTES following the arrival of the news), so come see Us.

More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/101485116876924/

Tickets here: 

http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07ebl980cl3de82eee&llr=mw56b6dab

We have, meanwhile, to go learn lines for Our first (and, We hope, ONLY) appearance in Our third murder mystery at the Bistro Romano.  (You can’t get tickets to that, as it’s sold out…also, THREE YEARS…We’re not feeling that you’re exactly champing at the bit.)

We are certain there are many more things We should be sharing, but it is virtually tomorrow, so off this goes….

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As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/06/i-put-spell-on-you.html .

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Blame Canada!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  October Fifteenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Cathy, who is OurAmericanCousin-In-Law’s Mother.  Or, alternatively, OurAmericanCousin’sMother-In-Law.  (Family trees are difficult.  Especially in the Fall, when they start to shed their leaves. (Sorry…Our metaphor just fell into the MixMaster™.) ) At any rate, Cathy turns twenty-four today.  In Chest Wester.

Speaking of suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, Happy Birthday also to Mike, who also turns twenty-four today.  In some suburb of which We have never heard.  So, as far We as We are concerned, We are going to call it Narnia.

Happy Birthday also too to Justin, who also too turns twenty-four today, in WeHo, El Lay.

And, continuing to peripatetically terpsichoriate Our way around this glorious little globe of Ours, Happy Birthday to Ian, who turns twenty-four today. In Canada.   Montreal, Quebec, to be exact.  Which, until this very moment, We would have told you were two different places in Canada.  (Geography is difficult.  Especially in the Fall, when they start to shed their leaves.)

Does anyone have a fucking CLUE what We’re talking about?  Because We sure as hell don’t.

And, last  but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Zachary, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.

 (Speaking of planets, Uranus.  (No, not really…We just said that because of all the hot birthday boys.  (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again.  (The jury is still out on Goofy.)))))

In other news, We had a friend for dinner last night.  He was delicious.  (We’re just kidding.  We didn’t eat Our friend. (That would make him a Friend With Benefits.  (Or a Friend With Benefiber™.  (Or a Friend With Bananas Foster. (One of those.  (Is anybody else hungry now?  (And does “Bananas Foster” totally sound like a euphemism? (Much like “plug it into my wall”.  (Of course, in the second instance, the quotation marks greatly add to the euphemismesqueness.)))))))))

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), was that last paragraph a parenthesis-fest, or what?)

(Who said, “Or what”?)

And, as if all of this Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  high-larity were not  e-nough, this will totally make your day (it is completely Safe For Work): http://jamesbiliusjean.tumblr.com/post/99961130901/bvckyneedshugs-tumblr-and-puns

Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally not safe for work.  You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark

Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, it may or may not be Friedrich Nietzsche’s birthday.

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(It was existential humor.  You know, the kind that’s not funny.)

Ya know what’s good about dinner parties?  Leftover lasagna.

·         Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.

·         Taurus You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a charm.

·         Gemini A horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it mostly involves being hit by a bus.

·         Cancer The stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.

·         Leo You aren't the first person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.

·         Virgo The powers-that-be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.

·         Libra Some say the world will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.

·         Scorpio While it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.

·         Sagittarius Your theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.

·         Capricorn You've always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.

·         Aquarius Buck up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over years ago.

·         Pisces You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.