Come, they told me

 

Hello, Ducks!  Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December TwennyTooth, 2013.  We are reporting from over the river and through the woods, so We are offering you an encore presentation of last year’s e-pissode from this date, immediately following the Non-Apocalypse…

 

Come, they told me

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Saturday, December 22, 2012. We trust you all had a lovely Apocalypse, and are enjoying the first day of Capricorn by watching Our brand spanking (heh) new Time of the Month Horosocpe video, which see above.

 

 

 

We Our Own Self Personally spent the Apocalypse, and now, the Post-Apocalypse (The Apocalyptic Afterbirth, if you will (or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)), on Holiday with Himself in the Hinterlands. (Is it just Us, or does On Holiday with Himself in the Hinterlands sound like a bizarre made-for-TV Christmas disaster movie from the late 60s or possibly early 70s? Starring Bing Crosby and Charo.  With Jerry Lewis as The Bieber.  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

 

 

We nearly didn’t make it all the way to the hinterlands. We were All Aboard AmCrack, when they stopped Our train due to police activity in Amish Country.  No doubt a rogue quilting bee, or an illegal butterchurning lab.  We do not speak Pennsylvania Dutch (or Hollandaise Dutch, for that matter), but We are fairly certain We heard some negotiations being made concerning Our imminent betrothal to a smelly bearded man named Zebediah who had six toes on each hand.  Fortunately, Himself woke up at this point, and We evaded this fate by posing as lesbian trapeze artists with a travelling circus.

 

 

 

Speaking of peculiar religious sects (which are, of course different than peculiar religious sex, which, if We recall correctly from Our remote youth, consists of screaming “Oh Jesus!” repeatedly while cavorting with lemurs in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and being coated in hot wax), there was also, on this Train Of Fools, an entire family of Mennonites.  Which, for those who are unfamiliar, would be comprised of Mennonites, Womennonites, and Childrennonites.

 

 

 

ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress.

 

 

 

But please don’t tip your waitress’s cow.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, for those of you who missed a Twitter update from Helen Keller yesterday:

 

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

 

You can wear sweat pants and I won't judge. I won't even know!

 

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

 

The only kind of mail I get is blackmail.

 

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

 

I hope my gynecologist is who he says he is.

 

And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

 

Speaking of The Beaver, it is Barbara Billingsley’s birthday.  But don’t expect much of a party; she’s dead.

 

Today brings an ending. (We’re pretty sure that was meant to be yesterday.)

 

 

 

That doesn’t have to be bad — lots of endings are positive, after all!  (Is anyone else now imagining Ryan Phillippe from behind?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

 

 

You may have to decide to end the project, relationship or whatever it is (How can We end it if We don’t even know what it is?)

 

 

 

on your own, which can be difficult but rewarding.  (Difficult But Rewarding, was, oddly enough, Ryan Phillippe’s nickname in high school.)

 

 

 

 A friend you used to see with some regularity seems to have dropped off the face of the earth, and you miss them.  (We really try not to get involved with Our friends’ regularity.  Or lack thereof.)

 

 

 

(Poop!)

 

 

 

If your phone calls and emails have gone unanswered, don’t take it personally. (How else should We take it, bitch?)

 

 

 

They have a lot of stuff going on right now, and they might just need some breathing room. (Breathe on your own time, bitches.)

 

 

 

 Even though you may mean well, they might not have time to give you the attention you need. (How dare they?  We’ve had just about enough of them!)

 

 

 

Use this time to get to know someone new in your life a little bit better.  (We are presuming that, by “a little bit better”, you mean “biblically”.  Because We are nothing if not biblical.)

 

 

 

You have room in your life for more friends.  (But not their frenulums.  Because with frenulums like these, who needs enemas?)

 

 

 

 You don’t need to be paranoid, (Unless, of course, they really ARE out to get you.)

 

but you ought to watch out for red flags. (Oh, sure…like they’re gonna WARN Us.)

 

 

 

Something small could indicate someone’s big-picture values.  (What does that even MEAN?)

 

 

 

Ask more questions before you decide to fall for them.        (“Is it bigger than a breadstick?”)

 

 

 

 

 

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

Come, they told me

 

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Saturday, December 22, 2012. We trust you all had a lovely Apocalypse, and are enjoying the first day of Capricorn by watching Our brand spanking (heh) new Time of the Month Horosocpe video, which see above.

 

We Our Own Self Personally spent the Apocalypse, and now, the Post-Apocalypse (The Apocalyptic Afterbirth, if you will (or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)), on Holiday with Himself in the Hinterlands. (Is it just Us, or does On Holiday with Himself in the Hinterlands sound like a bizarre made-for-TV Christmas disaster movie from the late 60s or possibly early 70s? Starring Bing Crosby and Charo.  With Jerry Lewis as The Bieber.  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

We nearly didn’t make it all the way to the hinterlands. We were All Aboard AmCrack, when they stopped Our train due to police activity in Amish Country.  No doubt a rogue quilting bee, or an illegal butterchurning lab.  We do not speak Pennsylvania Dutch (or Hollandaise Dutch, for that matter), but We are fairly certain We heard some negotiations being made concerning Our imminent betrothal to a smelly bearded man named Zebediah who had six toes on each hand.  Fortunately, Himself woke up at this point, and We evaded this fate by posing as lesbian trapeze artists with a travelling circus.

 

Speaking of peculiar religious sects (which are, of course different than peculiar religious sex, which, if We recall correctly from Our remote youth, consists of screaming “Oh Jesus!” repeatedly while cavorting with lemurs in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and being coated in hot wax), there was also, on this Train Of Fools, an entire family of Mennonites.  Which, for those who are unfamiliar, would be comprised of Mennonites, Womennonites, and Childrennonites.

 

ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress.

 

But please don’t tip your waitress’s cow.

 

Meanwhile, for those of you who missed a Twitter update from Helen Keller yesterday:

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

You can wear sweat pants and I won't judge. I won't even know!

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

The only kind of mail I get is blackmail.

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

I hope my gynecologist is who he says he is.

And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

Speaking of The Beaver, it is Barbara Billingsley’s birthday.  But don’t expect much of a party; she’s dead.

Today brings an ending. (We’re pretty sure that was meant to be yesterday.)

 

That doesn’t have to be bad — lots of endings are positive, after all!  (Is anyone else now imagining Ryan Phillippe from behind?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

You may have to decide to end the project, relationship or whatever it is (How can We end it if We don’t even know what it is?)

 

on your own, which can be difficult but rewarding.  (Difficult But Rewarding, was, oddly enough, Ryan Phillippe’s nickname in high school.)

 

 A friend you used to see with some regularity seems to have dropped off the face of the earth, and you miss them.  (We really try not to get involved with Our friends’ regularity.  Or lack thereof.)

 

(Poop!)

 

If your phone calls and emails have gone unanswered, don’t take it personally. (How else should We take it, bitch?)

 

They have a lot of stuff going on right now, and they might just need some breathing room. (Breathe on your own time, bitches.)

 

 Even though you may mean well, they might not have time to give you the attention you need. (How dare they?  We’ve had just about enough of them!)

 

Use this time to get to know someone new in your life a little bit better.  (We are presuming that, by “a little bit better”, you mean “biblically”.  Because We are nothing if not biblical.)

 

You have room in your life for more friends.  (But not their frenulums.  Because with frenulums like these, who needs enemas?)

 

 You don’t need to be paranoid, (Unless, of course, they really ARE out to get you.)

but you ought to watch out for red flags. (Oh, sure…like they’re gonna WARN Us.)

 

Something small could indicate someone’s big-picture values.  (What does that even MEAN?)

 

Ask more questions before you decide to fall for them.        (“Is it bigger than a breadstick?”)

 

 

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

 

Lord, here comes the flood

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToonzDay, April 17st, 2012.  (We just now noticed that, if you say “ToonzDay” out loud, you sound like a ‘tard saying “Tuesday”.  (This is how We amuse Ourselves when We are all alone.  (But NEVER go full ‘tard.)))

(Just in case you are One Of Those People who did NOT just try saying “ToonzDay” out loud, We shall pause here to give you a second chance.  We promise you, you will tickle yourself.)

(See?)

Happy birthday to Iris Holcombe, who turns twenty-four today.  Poor old thing…when We promised her she’d be all caught up in balls, We never told her they’d be mothballs. (How We got all those moths to spread their legs, We’ll never know.)

Speaking of little things (WHO said “moth cock”?  Gawd, YouPeople are perverts…

[If We were (subjunctively) an improv troupe, We would now be embarking on an improv entitled “Extroverted Perverts Eating Sherbet With Hermits”.  (This is why We are not an improv troupe.   (Well, this, and the fact that improv sucks.))]

[How fitting is it that every time We type “improv”, Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrects it to “improve”?]

…but back to Our pre-parenthetical “Speaking of little things”)

…We have an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny SitOnMyFaceBook conundrum.  (A “conundrum” being, of course, two nuns playing the drums.  Why you need TWO drummers, One hasn’t got any idea, but nuns are apparently like Mormons; they go everywhere in pairs.  (Unless “conundrum” is actually two Siamese twin nuns playing the drums, in which case it makes perfect sense.))

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are going fast…)

For the past month or so, Our number of SitOnMyFaceBook “friends” has kept hovering between 799 and 800, sometimes changing back and forth several times in one day.  Now, We know that SitOnMyFaceBook doesn’t tell One when One of One’s “friends” dumps One’s ass, so when it drops from 800 to 799, that makes sense.  But they DO generally tell One when someone ADDS One’s ass (and that’s all We need, is Our ass added to), so when it goes back up from 799 to 800, there ought to be an alert of some sort, no?  Can anyone explain this Social Media Paradox?

In other news, as We have mentioned several times already, the very talented gentlemen over at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die are about a week away from the deadline of their KickStarter, so, if you haven’t yet donated, you should.  They have also made a second video, in which they share more behind-the-scenes (heh…she said “behind”) info about the project:

In still other news, We wrote the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: TAURUS video over the weekend, and will be finishing it up today for a shoot later this week.  This will mark the completion of the series of the twelve signs of the zodiac, and will give you all an even dozen of Our accomplishments to resoundingly ignore.  Here, for example, is the current video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: ARIES, which you will no doubt neither watch yourselves, nor share on your friends SitOnMyFaceBook pages: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

(Ladies and genitals, this just in:  today is Posh Spice’s birthday.  Does it get any better than this?)

Try to help people out today — you’ve got the right kind of energy for volunteer work or for assisting other people’s projects, but not so much for taking care of your own personal stuff.  (Which syllable of “duh” did you get stuck on?)

That will come later!  (So will Christmas.  And the Apocalypse.  But hopefully, Christmas will come first.  Or We’ve done a whole bunch of shopping for no reason.)

 A meeting or informal discussion at work will reveal a real problem with how people are communicating — or rather, miscommunicating. (Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that “miscommunicating”?  Is not a word.  The ironies, they inundate Us.)

(“Inundate” is both a word and a sentence.  Discuss.)

(Is that one taking you a minute?  We’ll wait.)

(THERE ya go!)

Before mid-day, it will become all too clear that people are not using the same terms to discuss the central issue. (Then how ‘bout they all sit down while We brew a big ol’ pot of ShutTheFuckUp.)

(The best part of waking up is ShutTheFuckUp™ in your cup.)

A translator is needed (<...Barbara Billingsley...>“I speak jive.”<./...Barbara Billingsley...>)

— and you are the likely nominee. (Nomin-EE, nomin-AH, nomin-EE, nomin-AH-HA-HA-HA-AH-HA-HA-HA!)

(Sorry.)

Good thing you are so knowledgeable when it comes to how things should work!  (Hey, We can run everybody’s life but Our Own.)

You can be the voice of reason in this situation. (Then this situation is in dire jeopardy.  We’re just sayin’.)

You’ll be a calming influence in the room. (Dear sweet Jeebus.)

Get ready to be the hero.  (We don’t have to wear tights, do We?)

Use positive energy towards others when trying to turn a mood around. (If you turn mood around, it spells doom.  (Is it just Us, or did The Bluebird Of Happiness just shit on Our head?)

Instead of focusing on your own problems, sometimes it’s easier to help others in need first. (Oh, ya mean like they always do for Us?  (How did all those crickets get in here?))

You could end up finding solutions in unlikely places.  (Hey, stuff spills.  Get over it.)

  And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.