Diamonds are a girl’s best friend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  November Twelvest, 2014.

Happy Hump Day to all of Our humpy Gentle Readers.  (“Humpy”, in this instance, means, of course, “desirable for the activity of humping”, NOT “possessing one (or more) humps”.  (But then, you probably knew that already.))

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html )

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin Ethan, who turns twenty-four today (for REALZ!) , somewhere in the Poconos.  (We were thinking that “the Poconos” sounded ever-so-much more glamorous than whatever the name of the actual town was, until We Googled it on Wikipedia and learned that “Poconos” comes from some Native American word meaning “creek between two hills”.  Way to be poetical, Native Americanz.)

Also, Happy Birthday to MizLiz, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Harrisburg.  (See?  Wouldn’t “the Poconos” sound ever-so-much more glamorous than “Harrisburg”? (Except, of course, for the fact that Harrisburg is not IN the Poconos. (But since when did We ever let facts get in the way of glamour here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!?)))

Also too, speaking of glamour, Happy Birthday also too to Lisa, who also too turns twenty-four today.  In Vermont.  Which, since We’re busy displaying Our geographic acumen (gesundheit (thank you)), is the state out of the two states “Vermont” and “New Hampshire” that is NOT New Hampshire.

(It pains Us to relate that We actually spent many years of grade school studying Geography for one period a day.  That’s a whole damn lot of wasted hours We’ll never get back…)

In still other semi-geographical news, Our actronic friend Doh (whose performance as Justin Bieber see here (We never tire of dragging this video in neck-and-crop):

...is currently somewhere called Milwaukee, preparing to frutt and strett his hour upon the stage as the titular character in A Christmas With Carol Channing: The Musical!

(Heh…We said “titular”.)

Milwaukee is in some big square Midwestern state called West Wisconsonomington.  The word “Milwaukee” comes, per a Wikipedial Googling, from a Native American word meaning “gathering place by the water”.  (Seriously, Native Americans?  Take a fucking creative writing course, fercrissakes.)

Our point (oh, yes, We do indeed have a point (it is on the top of Our head, next to the hole)), is that the temperature in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles today is currently 66.  Gathering-Place-By-The-Water’s current temperature?  27.  (Which, weather.com would have Us know, “feels like 14”. (So it would probably be cruel to point out that it was 70 here yesterday, right?))

We have precious little else to report (Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister.  (Else is her married name. (Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor with a  side of smut, you check out yesterday’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/11/go-go-go-joseph-gordon-levitt.html 

or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in the vicinity of here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html .

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In celebrity birthdays, it is Anne Hathaway’s  birthday, and that is all the motivation We need to direct those of you who may not have seen it (or those of you who may wish to refresh your memories) to Our review of her “performance” in the fillum version of Less Miserable: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html

You need to spend some energy on digging into your heritage. (Well, one thing’s for sure: based on Our propensity for poetifically waxing verbostic,  based on what We’ve learned today, Our heritage sure as hell ain’t Native American.)

 You are sure to learn something cool if you make the effort.  (We are guessing that probably WON’T be geography, yes?)

There’s quite a sociable day on your agenda, thanks to an affable astrological assembly, (Shut. Up. Kelli.)

(AssHatt.)

unanimously intent on making things as easy on you as possible. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT’S a frequent goal, here in The Universe.)

If you’ve missed out on any of the good gossip that’s been going around lately, here’s your chance to catch up. (Anne Hathaway is really a man…pass it on.)

Do keep in mind, however, there’s far more than chatting on the menu: Say, more than just a touch of intense romance, for example?  (Does anyone else think that sentence really needed to have the word “soupcon” in it, or was it just US?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Pay attention to family matters (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

before tending to any personal business. (What about monkey business?  Where does that fit in?)

Something’s not exactly right or good amongst your kin (Kith?)

and it’s up to you to unravel the strife before it gets out of hand. (Oh, yes, indeedy-doo, We are a Master Strife Unraveler, We are.  (Also a Master Bater, but that’s a whore of another collar.))

Be kind, but be firm. (How ‘bout kind of firm?  Will that work for you?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Two four six oh ONE!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManaclesMonday,  December 30^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Kyle, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Alyson, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Not that love handles intrude upon her universe in any way, shape, or form.  Just sayin’.

Happy Birthday also to Ethan, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Hoboken.  Which is almost New York, but isn’t.  Also, Happy Birthday also to Jason, who also turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).  Which is nothing like Hoboken, and doesn’t care.

Geography: harder than Math, but with prettier colors.

So it occurred to Us that We neglected to tell you yesterday about a dream We had the night before.  Unfortunately, now all We can remember of it is exclaiming, “Aw, Jesus Christ, are you INSANE?”  We have no recollection of to whom We exclaimed it (although We’re pretty sure We would remember if Jesus Christ had actually been in the dream) or why.

Last night, meanwhile, We had a long involved dream in which We were rehearsing to appear in Les Miz.  We think We were playing Javert, except in the dream We couldn’t remember if he was the protagonist or the antagonist, but We knew We had to be playing the antagonist, because We’re pretty sure We couldn’t sing the protagonist role.  Which We know, of course, is called Jean Valjean, but in the dream We couldn’t remember that.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), when We Googled “Jean Valjean” on Wikipedia to verify the spelling, We learned that there is a Frawnch porn star named Jean Val Jean.  And We thought We’d Cher that information with you.  You’re welcome.)

Also appearing in this particular production of Les Miz, in place of Anne Hathaway’s character, Pantene™, was Evita.  As it was neither Patti LuPone nor McDonna, We presume it was the actual Eva Peron.  She was dressed, anachronistically, in voluminous mourning garb such as a woman might have won in the 1800s.

The plot of the dream, such as it was, consisted of the fact that We were attempting to sing the role, which We clearly had not learned yet, from a tattered vocal score, the pages of which were out of order, difficult to read, and frequently upside down or missing.  Also, the music kept going (and going (and going (much like the Energizer™ lemur)), and no one would tell Us what page We were supposed to be on.

This was, clearly, one of those few-and-far-between occasions when you would NOT want to be Us.

Meanwhile, if you have never enjoyed Our review of the fillum version of Les Miz, please go here (We’ll wait):  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html

In other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!

That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!

Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

Check out Our Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video above.  And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And now, the HorrorScope…

Today, Our celebrity website informs Us, is Ryan Sheckler’s birthday.  “Who the fuck is Ryan Sheckler?” We hear you exclaim.  (Or maybe that was “Aw, Jesus Christ, are you insane?”, and We just didn’t hear you right.)  At any rate, Ryan Sheckler?  Is a professional skateboarder.  Because they have professional skateboarders now. (And you wonder why We pray for death.)  However, if you Google him on Wikipedia and click the Images tab, you will be pleased to have been informed.

You’re welcome.

AGAIN.

Your honesty is important today, (That is SUCH a lie!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

so make sure that you’re as open as can be. (We are wide open and fully dilated.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change that to “We are wide open and fully dilUted.”  Which makes even LESS sense.  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Even one slip-up can lead to a cascade of troubles that ends up biting you in the rear end. (So wait…that’s a BAD thing?)

Speak from the heart!  (Bitch, please…We are an ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist).  We speak from Uranus.)

You are in the calm eye of a gathering storm right now, (We are also smoking a Camel™ through the eye of a needledick the bugfucker, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.)

(What?)

and can sense that things are going to get a lot busier, soon. (Or We’re gonna get a new bustier.  One of those.)

But instead of getting panicked about what is to come, be confident!  (What if We panic confidently?  Will that work?)

You are more than prepared for the action that is about to go down, and it’s important that you give off the air of being capable and ready to go — other people are paying attention, and the energy you give off will influence how they feel about the coming days.   (Okay, that?  Was a really, really long sentence.  And all We heard was “go down”.)

Observe the details closely when you’re meeting new people today. (They say the Devil is in the details.  They also say he has a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress on.  So the Devil is a crossdresser.  Now We’re confused…)

Quiet signals are easy to spot, if you take the time to watch for them. (If you’re watching, what the hell difference does quiet make?)

People can tell you all about themselves really quickly.  (They can also lie like a cheap rug.  And then there’ll be hell toupee.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  No, really…SEE?  That’s one o’ them jokes that only wortks viZZZually.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.