Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManaclesMonday, December 30st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Kyle, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Alyson, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Not that love handles intrude upon her
universe in any way, shape, or form.
Just sayin’.
Happy Birthday also to Ethan, who also turns
twenty-four today. In Hoboken. Which is almost New York, but isn’t. Also, Happy Birthday also to Jason, who also
turns twenty-four today. In New
York. New York, New York…The City That
Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). Which is
nothing like Hoboken, and doesn’t care.
Geography: harder than Math, but with
prettier colors.
So it occurred to Us that We neglected to
tell you yesterday about a dream We had the night before. Unfortunately, now all We can remember of it
is exclaiming, “Aw, Jesus Christ, are you INSANE?” We have no recollection of to whom We
exclaimed it (although We’re pretty sure We would remember if Jesus Christ had
actually been in the dream) or why.
Last night, meanwhile, We had a long involved
dream in which We were rehearsing to appear in Les Miz. We think We were playing
Javert, except in the dream We couldn’t remember if he was the protagonist or
the antagonist, but We knew We had to be playing the antagonist, because We’re
pretty sure We couldn’t sing the protagonist role. Which We know, of course, is called Jean
Valjean, but in the dream We couldn’t remember that.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), when
We Googled “Jean Valjean” on Wikipedia to verify the spelling, We learned that
there is a Frawnch porn star named Jean Val Jean. And We thought We’d Cher that information
with you. You’re welcome.)
Also appearing in this particular production
of Les Miz, in place of Anne Hathaway’s
character, Pantene™, was Evita. As it
was neither Patti LuPone nor McDonna, We presume it was the actual Eva
Peron. She was dressed,
anachronistically, in voluminous mourning garb such as a woman might have won
in the 1800s.
The plot of the dream, such as it was, consisted
of the fact that We were attempting to sing the role, which We clearly had not
learned yet, from a tattered vocal score, the pages of which were out of order,
difficult to read, and frequently upside down or missing. Also, the music kept going (and going (and
going (much like the Energizer™ lemur)), and no one would tell Us what page We
were supposed to be on.
This was, clearly, one of those
few-and-far-between occasions when you would NOT want to be Us.
Meanwhile, if you have never enjoyed Our
review of the fillum version of Les Miz,
please go here (We’ll wait): http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html
In other news, who has opposable thumbs and
will be performing not once, but TWICE
in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this
Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday,
January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown
Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo.)),
and keep your eyes glued…GLUED,
goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think
tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know
when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
Check out Our Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this
link to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
And
now, the HorrorScope…
Today,
Our celebrity website informs Us, is Ryan Sheckler’s birthday. “Who the fuck is Ryan Sheckler?” We hear you
exclaim. (Or maybe that was “Aw, Jesus
Christ, are you insane?”, and We just didn’t hear you right.) At any rate, Ryan Sheckler? Is a professional skateboarder. Because they have professional skateboarders
now. (And you wonder why We pray for death.)
However, if you Google him on Wikipedia and click the Images tab, you
will be pleased to have been informed.
You’re
welcome.
AGAIN.
Your
honesty is important today, (That is SUCH a lie!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
so
make sure that you’re as open as can be. (We are wide open and fully dilated.)
(Micro$oft
Weird™ would like Us to change that to “We are wide open and fully dilUted.” Which makes even LESS sense. Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)
Even
one slip-up can lead to a cascade of troubles that ends up biting you in the
rear end. (So wait…that’s a BAD thing?)
Speak
from the heart! (Bitch, please…We are an
ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist). We
speak from Uranus.)
You
are in the calm eye of a gathering storm right now, (We are also smoking a
Camel™ through the eye of a needledick the bugfucker, but that’s neither here
nor Nair™.)
(What?)
and
can sense that things are going to get a lot busier, soon. (Or We’re gonna get
a new bustier. One of those.)
But
instead of getting panicked about what is to come, be confident! (What if We panic confidently? Will that work?)
You
are more than prepared for the action that is about to go down, and it’s
important that you give off the air of being capable and ready to go — other
people are paying attention, and the energy you give off will influence how
they feel about the coming days. (Okay, that?
Was a really, really long sentence.
And all We heard was “go down”.)
Observe
the details closely when you’re meeting new people today. (They say the Devil
is in the details. They also say he has
a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress on.
So the Devil is a crossdresser.
Now We’re confused…)
Quiet
signals are easy to spot, if you take the time to watch for them. (If you’re
watching, what the hell difference does quiet make?)
People
can tell you all about themselves really quickly. (They can also lie like a cheap rug. And then there’ll be hell toupee.)
(Heh. See what We did there? No, really…SEE? That’s one o’ them jokes that only wortks
viZZZually.)
Namaste,
MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble
beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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