Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 15rd, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and also
Happy Birthday to Kate, who also turns twenty-four today, also here.
In further-flung news, Happy Birthday to Max,
who turns twenty-four today somewhere out in Amish country. (Is that a Rumspringa in your pocket, or are
you just happy to see Us?)
And in further further-flung news, Happy
Birthday also to Joey, who also turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t
Sleep (With Us).
(We were going to do a riff on how Joey, who
is an actor, has one of the most perfect not-made-up names We’ve ever heard (in
real life) for appearing on a marquee.
Then We Googled “Joey LastName” on Wikipedia and discovered that there’s
somebody else with Joey’s LastName who runs a hotdog stand in Virginia, which
is called (brilliantly, We might add) “Joey’s Hotdogs”.
(Please note that We are NOT making this up,
nor is this a “Rumspringa-in-your-pocket”-type hotdog joke. There really IS a Joey’s Hotdogs in Virginia,
run by somebody named Joey LastName. (It being the Christmas season, We
probably should have phrased that last bit as “Yes, Virginia, there IS a Joey’s
Hotdogs…”, but We’re not going back now.))
We still think, mind you, that “Joey LastName”
is one of the most perfect not-made-up names We’ve ever heard (in real life)
for appearing on a marquee. We just want
you to be aware that, once you became famous, you will be helping some guy in
Virginia peddle his dubious meat-like wares.
(Alternatively, you could be a
total Rumspringa and copyright (or do We mean trademark?) “Joey LastName”, and
force Virginia Guy to rename his hotdog stand something like “Not THAT Joey’s
Hotdogs”. Your call. But Happy Birthday anyway.)
(Is it just Us, or are We getting an awful
lot of mileage out of this Rumspringa joke that’s not even particularly funny?)
In other news, We wouldn’t walk a mile for a Camel™,
but We’d walk a furlong for a hump. (We’d
also bend over for a penny. (We put that
joke in there specifically for Loretta.
(Hi, Loretta! (Loretta is not the
same person as LOretta. (We now know two
people named “Loretta”. A few years ago,
We didn’t know any. Small world, isn’t it? (Also, “now know two” is a very odd string of
words.))))))
So meanwhile, this was Our latest
Snowpocalypse…an unpleasant walk to work yesterday, a less-unpleasant trip
home, and today the sun is shining and Our stoop and sidewalk have been cleared
of all snow and ice by said sun without any divine intervention from Us Our Own
Self Personally. Remind Us again why We
didn’t go to school for Television Meteorology?
Speaking of ‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly (no,
not Rumspringa…why is Max churning butter?
Oh…never mind.), those who know Us well know that We are
(uncharacteristically, some might say) inordinately fond of Our Christmas. And one of Our Christmas traditions has
always been to write out and send Our Christmas cards the weekend after
Thanksgiving.
Well, in the interests of proving that An Old
Bitch CAN Learn New Tricks, We have decided to forego that annoying chore (YOU
try sitting and writing fifty or sixty cards, and see how much Ho is left in
your Ho-Ho) and simply answer cards as they arrive. Which We will be sitting down to do today,
once We have finished this e-pisstle.
(In the interests of full disclosure, We DID
already send ONE Christmas card, to Our friend who is bringing Live
Thee-AY-Turr to the natives in West Wisconsonomington. But that’s only because they don’t have
postal service there, and We wanted him to get it in time. (They used to have Pony Express, but the pony
died. So now all of their mail is delivered
by one Singing Strip-O-Gram™ girl, who can only deliver when she‘s not milking
her daddy’s cows. She lost one of her
pasties in The Blizzard of ’96. She is
morbidly obese, and has a wooden leg.
She frequently attempts to tap dance while she sings. It’s sad, really.))
Oh, turn those frowns upside-down…all We’re
saying is, if you were expecting Our Christmas card, don’t hold your damn
breath. Fa-La-Fuckin’-La, et cetera.
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs
and will be performing not once, but TWICE
in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this
Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday,
January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown
Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo.)),
and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to
this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available
yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you
can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news
We are once again sharing
with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it
with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And now, here’s the
HorrorScope:
Speaking of “is that a
(something) in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us”, Gustave Eiffel,
who erected (heh) the iconic Frawnch phallic symbol, was born today. And, in the
same vein, as We can see that Max has finished “churning his butter”,
herewith AssHatted Kelli’s blatherings, presented in their entirety and without
interruption. (We have Christmas cards
to write.):
You’re feeling pretty
feisty today — so much so that you may fire up a few arguments just to see
where they lead! It’s a good time for you to step up and make your case
whenever the mood strikes you. A certain
higher-up has been on your case pretty hard lately, so you’ve been toeing the
line, doing everything just right, and forcing yourself to even work a bit of
overtime. Without even being asked. Basically, you’ve been very, very good —
and now it’s time to relax. Yes, relax. Even you need some downtime. Give
yourself a break tonight. Chill out.
Communication is vital for getting what you want. Though it might be
frustrating to spell out precisely what you need, when you talk in a direct
manner, there’s no chance for misunderstandings. Be as patient — and precise —
as you can.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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