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Sunday, December 15, 2013

The dogs kids love to bite





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 15rd, 2013.



Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and also Happy Birthday to Kate, who also turns twenty-four today, also here.



In further-flung news, Happy Birthday to Max, who turns twenty-four today somewhere out in Amish country.  (Is that a Rumspringa in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)



And in further further-flung news, Happy Birthday also to Joey, who also turns twenty-four today. In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).



(We were going to do a riff on how Joey, who is an actor, has one of the most perfect not-made-up names We’ve ever heard (in real life) for appearing on a marquee.  Then We Googled “Joey LastName” on Wikipedia and discovered that there’s somebody else with Joey’s LastName who runs a hotdog stand in Virginia, which is called (brilliantly, We might add) “Joey’s Hotdogs”.



(Please note that We are NOT making this up, nor is this a “Rumspringa-in-your-pocket”-type hotdog joke.  There really IS a Joey’s Hotdogs in Virginia, run by somebody named Joey LastName. (It being the Christmas season, We probably should have phrased that last bit as “Yes, Virginia, there IS a Joey’s Hotdogs…”, but We’re not going back now.))



We still think, mind you, that “Joey LastName” is one of the most perfect not-made-up names We’ve ever heard (in real life) for appearing on a marquee.  We just want you to be aware that, once you became famous, you will be helping some guy in Virginia peddle his dubious meat-like wares. 



(Alternatively, you could be a total Rumspringa and copyright (or do We mean trademark?) “Joey LastName”, and force Virginia Guy to rename his hotdog stand something like “Not THAT Joey’s Hotdogs”.  Your call.  But Happy Birthday anyway.)



(Is it just Us, or are We getting an awful lot of mileage out of this Rumspringa joke that’s not even particularly funny?)



In other news, We wouldn’t walk a mile for a Camel™,  but We’d walk a furlong for a hump. (We’d also bend over for a penny.  (We put that joke in there specifically for Loretta.  (Hi, Loretta!  (Loretta is not the same person as LOretta.  (We now know two people named “Loretta”.  A few years ago, We didn’t know any.  Small world, isn’t it?  (Also, “now know two” is a very odd string of words.))))))



So meanwhile, this was Our latest Snowpocalypse…an unpleasant walk to work yesterday, a less-unpleasant trip home, and today the sun is shining and Our stoop and sidewalk have been cleared of all snow and ice by said sun without any divine intervention from Us Our Own Self Personally.  Remind Us again why We didn’t go to school for Television Meteorology?



Speaking of ‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly (no, not Rumspringa…why is Max churning butter?  Oh…never mind.), those who know Us well know that We are (uncharacteristically, some might say) inordinately fond of Our Christmas.  And one of Our Christmas traditions has always been to write out and send Our Christmas cards the weekend after Thanksgiving.



Well, in the interests of proving that An Old Bitch CAN Learn New Tricks, We have decided to forego that annoying chore (YOU try sitting and writing fifty or sixty cards, and see how much Ho is left in your Ho-Ho) and simply answer cards as they arrive.  Which We will be sitting down to do today, once We have finished this e-pisstle.



(In the interests of full disclosure, We DID already send ONE Christmas card, to Our friend who is bringing Live Thee-AY-Turr to the natives in West Wisconsonomington.  But that’s only because they don’t have postal service there, and We wanted him to get it in time.  (They used to have Pony Express, but the pony died.  So now all of their mail is delivered by one Singing Strip-O-Gram™ girl, who can only deliver when she‘s not milking her daddy’s cows.  She lost one of her pasties in The Blizzard of ’96.  She is morbidly obese, and has a wooden leg.  She frequently attempts to tap dance while she sings.  It’s sad, really.))



Oh, turn those frowns upside-down…all We’re saying is, if you were expecting Our Christmas card, don’t hold your damn breath.  Fa-La-Fuckin’-La, et cetera.




In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!



That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!



Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)



This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)



In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.



And now, here’s the HorrorScope:



Speaking of “is that a (something) in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us”, Gustave Eiffel, who erected (heh) the iconic Frawnch phallic symbol, was born today.  And, in the  same vein, as We can see that Max has finished “churning his butter”, herewith AssHatted Kelli’s blatherings, presented in their entirety and without interruption.  (We have Christmas cards to write.):



You’re feeling pretty feisty today — so much so that you may fire up a few arguments just to see where they lead! It’s a good time for you to step up and make your case whenever the mood strikes you.  A certain higher-up has been on your case pretty hard lately, so you’ve been toeing the line, doing everything just right, and forcing yourself to even work a bit of overtime. Without even being asked. Basically, you’ve been very, very good — and now it’s time to relax. Yes, relax. Even you need some downtime. Give yourself a break tonight. Chill out.  Communication is vital for getting what you want. Though it might be frustrating to spell out precisely what you need, when you talk in a direct manner, there’s no chance for misunderstandings. Be as patient — and precise — as you can.


Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.