Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for HumpDayHumpDayHumpDay, December 18st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Gwen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Birthday also to Melissa, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Delaware. Melissa once played Our mother in a show, despite being only twenty-four. We, of course, were twenty-four at the time. (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza. Where is the credenza? It’s in the time machine.)
(Is it just Us, or does “Somewhere in Delaware” sound like a song from a lost Rodgers and Hammerstein musical? )
(Going in a different direction, is it just Us, or does “Delaware” sound like it should mean “aware of Dels”? (The only Del of whom We Our Own Self Personally are aware is Del Shores, author of Sordid Lives and Cheatin’, amongst other things. (Hi, Del!)))
We feel today as though the purpose of Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers, that would be the community writing project in which We have been participating which encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of December (http://www.holidailies.org)) is to make One so sick of One’s Own blog, and, indeed, of the sound of One’s Own voice that, come January 1th, One packs One’s keyboard into a trunk in One’s attic and takes a vow of silence.
We do, in fact, have a point, but We are going to come to it roundaboutly. (We are also going to randomly create adverbs where no adverbs existed before. You’re WELCOME.)
Today is Brad Pitt’s birthday. He is fifty. Do you think the AARP sent him an application? Today is also Katie Holmes’s birthday. Her ex-husband is Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt’s ex-wife is Jennifer Aniston. Brad Pitt’s current wife is Angelina Jolie. Tom Cruise’s current wife is the poolboy.
If We ran Holly wood, We’d put them all in a movie together.
Weren’t We JUST SAYING, “Why aren’t We making movies?”
Which brings Us to Our point: an excerpt from the archives. Excerpts from Katie Holmes’s diary, prior to her marriage to Tom Thumb…er, Cruise. Following which, We are outtie for Christmas shopping:
EXCERPTS FROM KATIE H’S DIARY
April 28, 2005
Finally I can reveal the secret I’ve been keeping, even from YOU, Dear Diary: Tommy C. and I are an ITEM!!! My people have been seeing his people for about a month now, and his publicist finally decided the time was right to announce that we are a couple!!! I didn’t even dare write about it in here, Dear Diary, for fear that someone would steal YOU the way they stole all those phone numbers from that slut Paris H’s cell phone.
Tommy is SOOO refreshing, especially after dating Chris K for all that time. I mean, Chris is cute and all, but who can even name a movie he’s been in? I mean, like AMERICAN PIE…what-EVER. And Tommy is, like, THE Major Hollywood Movie Star. This is gonna be SOOO great for my career. I mean, look what he did for Nicole, and my boobies are WAAAY bigger than hers. And it’ll be good for him, too. I mean, it’s about time he started dating an American girl, instead of all these foreigners and Australians and stuff.
Plus, Dear Diary, just between you and me, when it comes to, you know, S-E-X…well, Chris had this REEAALLY big winkie, which could hardly fit in my hoo-hoo, and he wanted to put it there like ALL the time, and leave it there for like HOURS, and I’d wind up all sweaty, with my hair all messed up, and I’d have to re-do my makeup. But Tommy hardly EVER puts his winkie in my hoo-hoo, and, when he does, it’s just the right size, because I don’t even notice that it’s there, and plus he only puts it there for like a minute, so my hair and makeup looks exactly the same when it’s over, and really, it’s not how you feel, it’s how you look.
So anyway, now that we are officially dating, and can be seen in public, Tommy is gonna take me to meet some of his friends at his church. I’m not sure what church it is…the name sounded like “gynecology”, but I know that can’t be it, because that’s a hoo-hoo doctor. I just know it’s not anything I’ve heard of before, like Presbyterian or Episcopalian. I’m sure it’s something really special, just like Tommy. I just hope it’s not that Kielbasa thing that Madonna and Demi M. are into, because somebody told me that’s kind of Jewish, and I don’t think my fans would like it if it turned out that I killed Jesus.
May 2, 2005
Tommy took me to his church yesterday. It’s the Church of Scienceology, not gynecology. (I get words like that mixed up sometimes. So does Tommy, because he’s dyspeptic.)
We flew there in a helicopter, and I had to wear a blindfold, because I’m not a member of the church yet, so I’m not allowed to know where it is. It felt just like we were in one of Tommy’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies. (Note to self: No more hoo-hoo for Tommy till he agrees to put me in the next MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie.) Then we had to circle for a long time, because the church people had planted a bunch of flowers for our arrival, but they didn’t match my dress, so Tommy had them rip all the flowers up and plant new ones before we got there. How kewl is THAT?
Anyway, it wasn’t like a church at all, more like a big resort in the middle of the desert. And there was no service, which was good, because I get SOOO bored when other people talk for too long. AND I got to meet some fat old guy who used to be John Travolta, and that fat lady who was on CHEERS when she was thin, but now has a show about being a fat lady, which I think is really stupid, but she was REEEAALLLY nice to me, so it was okay. And when Tommy and the John Travolta guy went off to get massages, we showed each other our hoo-hoos, but I got really scared ‘cause her thighs kind of moved ALL ON THEIR OWN, so I made her stop. Did I mention she was REEEALLY fat?
So, later, the four of us and a bunch of Tommy’s other church friends got together and they talked about a bunch of stuff I didn’t understand, like N-grams and futons and E-meters. I made a joke about E! True Hollywood Story, but nobody laughed, so I didn’t make any more jokes. Tommy said I didn’t understand because I wasn’t clear, but I didn’t think THEY were being very clear, but I didn’t say so. It was kinda like that time James v-d-B took me to that party with all his weird guy friends in the funny leather costumes, and all anybody talked about was Special K and circuit parties. *I* didn’t think it sounded like much of a party if all they served was cereal, but I didn’t want to say so, because James was always so sensitive about his friends. And the fact that he was going bald.
Anyway, Tommy says if I want to, I can join his church, because they have a “special process for celebrities”. Well, DUH. I mean, it’s not like we’re just ordinary people or something.
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.