Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals,
December 19st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
People named “Aaron” are, presumably, used to
stand at the front of alphabetical lines.
Because, of course, there are so few people named “Aardvark”.
Meanwhile, from the What The MotherFucking
Fuckety-Fuck? Department, We just learned that the NFL (that’s the National
Football League, for Our Gentle Readers who are sports-challenged (as We are))
enjoys tax-exempt non-profit
status. What the motherfucking
fuckety-fuck?
This just in from another corner of the
WorldWideInterWebNetz:
AMBIGUITY:
What happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
We are trying (and failing) to do this quick,
fast, and in a hurry this morning, as this is Our last day to accomplish
anything in Our countdown to ChristmaKwanzzUkah. We have two, count them, TWO, murder
mysteries tomorrow (We agreed to do that to see if We can. It is entirely possible that We can’t. Whatevs.)
In weather news, when We opened weather.com
yesterday morning, it informed Us that it was twice as cold in Milwaukee, West
Wisconsonomington (where it thinks We live…because We checked the weather there
ONE TIME!) as it was here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Today, in the five-day forecast, We learned
that it is supposed to be SEVENTY DEGREES here on Sunday!
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs
and will be performing not once, but TWICE
in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this
Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday,
January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown
for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo.)),
and keep your eyes glued…GLUED,
goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think
tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know
when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news
We are once again sharing
with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it
with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And
heeeeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:
It
is Alyssa Milano’s birthday. She, of
course, invented the Pepperidge Farm™ Milano cookie. Also, in case you were mistakenly feeling
young, Mike Lookinland (Bobby Brady) is fifty-three today.
You’re
making progress on some emotional business that has been troubling you lately. (Since “doing One’s business” is a euphemism
for pooping, We find the preceding sentence extremely disturbing.)
(Is
it just Us, or has it been an awfully long time since We’ve told some poop
jokes up in here?)
See
if you can get your people to back off and give you the space you need to clear
this all away. (Oh, please. If people back off any farther…We have no
idea how to finish this sentence. Seriously…We’ve
thought up three endings, and not one of them makes a lick of sense. Sigh.)
You
have a calling, (So wait…We’re supposed to be a nun?!?)
and
signs are emerging around you that reinforce that fact. (Just wait till they put THAT version of The Sound Of Music on television live…)
(Apropos
of nothing, can anyone explain to Us why Our Twatter account has taken to
following random people without Our divine intervention? KThxBye.)
People
are giving you feedback that is genuine — they’re not just praising you for the
heck of it! (What the hell is this “heck”
bullshit?)
Have
faith in yourself (How can We believe in Ourself when We know that We’re
imaginary?)
and
understand that you’re capable of amazing things. (Indeed. You should see Our race.)
The
worst mistake you can make today is to limit yourself. (So you’re saying that would be a worse
mistake than putting Our hand down the garbage disposal while it’s
running? Do you just make this crap up
on the fly, or what?)
Act
on your ideas and climb out of your shell.
(HAH! Just YouPeople WAIT till We
“climb out of Our shell”!)
Step
out of your comfort zone. (We have a
comfort zone? Who knew?)
Talk
up politics, science or sports — whatever makes you feel edgy. (We may not know
much about sports, but We have been known to be an athletic supporter.)
(You
knew to read that last bit in Mae West’s voice, right? If not, no problem…We’ll wait right here
while you go back.)
Don’t
be afraid to ask big, possibly dumb questions. (Oh, no, you don’t! We know the old saying: there ARE no dumb
questions, there are only dumbasses who ask them.)
Someone
interesting is more than happy to help you get comfy. (Say what?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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