Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals, December 19st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
People named “Aaron” are, presumably, used to stand at the front of alphabetical lines. Because, of course, there are so few people named “Aardvark”.
Meanwhile, from the What The MotherFucking Fuckety-Fuck? Department, We just learned that the NFL (that’s the National Football League, for Our Gentle Readers who are sports-challenged (as We are)) enjoys tax-exempt non-profit status. What the motherfucking fuckety-fuck?
This just in from another corner of the WorldWideInterWebNetz:
AMBIGUITY: What happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
We are trying (and failing) to do this quick, fast, and in a hurry this morning, as this is Our last day to accomplish anything in Our countdown to ChristmaKwanzzUkah. We have two, count them, TWO, murder mysteries tomorrow (We agreed to do that to see if We can. It is entirely possible that We can’t. Whatevs.)
In weather news, when We opened weather.com yesterday morning, it informed Us that it was twice as cold in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington (where it thinks We live…because We checked the weather there ONE TIME!) as it was here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Today, in the five-day forecast, We learned that it is supposed to be SEVENTY DEGREES here on Sunday!
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And heeeeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:
It is Alyssa Milano’s birthday. She, of course, invented the Pepperidge Farm™ Milano cookie. Also, in case you were mistakenly feeling young, Mike Lookinland (Bobby Brady) is fifty-three today.
You’re making progress on some emotional business that has been troubling you lately. (Since “doing One’s business” is a euphemism for pooping, We find the preceding sentence extremely disturbing.)
(Is it just Us, or has it been an awfully long time since We’ve told some poop jokes up in here?)
See if you can get your people to back off and give you the space you need to clear this all away. (Oh, please. If people back off any farther…We have no idea how to finish this sentence. Seriously…We’ve thought up three endings, and not one of them makes a lick of sense. Sigh.)
You have a calling, (So wait…We’re supposed to be a nun?!?)
and signs are emerging around you that reinforce that fact. (Just wait till they put THAT version of The Sound Of Music on television live…)
(Apropos of nothing, can anyone explain to Us why Our Twatter account has taken to following random people without Our divine intervention? KThxBye.)
People are giving you feedback that is genuine — they’re not just praising you for the heck of it! (What the hell is this “heck” bullshit?)
Have faith in yourself (How can We believe in Ourself when We know that We’re imaginary?)
and understand that you’re capable of amazing things. (Indeed. You should see Our race.)
The worst mistake you can make today is to limit yourself. (So you’re saying that would be a worse mistake than putting Our hand down the garbage disposal while it’s running? Do you just make this crap up on the fly, or what?)
Act on your ideas and climb out of your shell. (HAH! Just YouPeople WAIT till We “climb out of Our shell”!)
Step out of your comfort zone. (We have a comfort zone? Who knew?)
Talk up politics, science or sports — whatever makes you feel edgy. (We may not know much about sports, but We have been known to be an athletic supporter.)
(You knew to read that last bit in Mae West’s voice, right? If not, no problem…We’ll wait right here while you go back.)
Don’t be afraid to ask big, possibly dumb questions. (Oh, no, you don’t! We know the old saying: there ARE no dumb questions, there are only dumbasses who ask them.)
Someone interesting is more than happy to help you get comfy. (Say what?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.