Roadrunner…the coyote’s after you. Roadrunner…if he catches you, you’re through.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, January Twenny-Fourst, Twenny-FourTeen.

Happy Birthday to Rob, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Colorado, which is some big square state where it’s supposed to be as cold as it is here right now.

Happy Birthday also to Alex, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We are going to have to be very careful today to make this a very funny e-pissode, because this Alex of whom We speak is actually funnier than We are.  Alex does Sketch Comedy.  Which, for those of you who aren’t show-biz-savvy, means that he draws really funny things really quickly.  Kind of like those guys that judges have draw everything in the courtroom, because judges are too ugly to have their picture taken, except the stuff he draws is funny.  For example, he once drew an entire season of How I Met Your Mother (one of the EARLY seasons, naturally) with Neil Patrick Harris replaced by the Roadrunner.

Alex’s partner in sketch comedy is also funnier than We are, but, because We know him better, he very kindly pretends that he isn’t.  Here, for example, is a video of him pretending to be less funny than We are:

In general, when two people are comedy partners, the less-funny one is called the “straight man”.  However, in the case of Alex and his partner, they are both the straight man.  You most likely wouldn’t think there would be anything funny about two straight men together (except, of course, for how they dress) until you realize that they are part of a time-honored theatrical tradition of comedy duos consisting of two straight men…Rowan and Martin…Cheech and Chong….Bush and Cheney…

(We apologize that the preceding joke was not up to anybody’s standards.  We were distracted trying to come up with a pièce de résistance joke involving Neil Patrick Harris and the Roadrunner.)

(Insert Roadrunner sound effect here.)

But let’s get off of Alex and give somebody else a chance.

        .

In other more newsworthy news, We are one step closer to Our appearing in Greater Bostonia, and are hereby issuing a “Save-The-Date” to Our Greater Bostonian Gentle Readers for  Friday, February 28st.  (That date will not be Our only Massachusettsian appearance, it is just Our only confirmed date at the moment.) We are VERY excited….stay tuned!

We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  

  http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50

And now, the HorrorScope…

You are feeling an urgent need for downtime (Actually, that’s an urgent need for downward-dog-time.  (We only said that so We could treat you to the mental image of Us doing yoga.  (You’re welcome.)))

— so make sure that you can get away by yourself for a while!  (Of all the things We find difficult in life, managing to spend time by Ourself is not one of them.)

It’s easier than you think to deal with these feelings, (But how easy is it to feel with these dealings?  Huh?  HOW EASY IZZAT?)

 but you need to take them seriously first.  (Oh, sure…try to make Us the straight man.  Good luck with that.)

 Someone will be giving you an awful lot of attention today, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but you might not be comfortable with it. (Which is exactly what Neil Patrick Harris said to the Roadrunner.)

(Nope, that wasn’t it.  Never mind.)

 If so, your best tactic is to try to ignore them. (Your best Tic-Tac™, on the other hand, is Wintergreen.)

You can’t try to fake it, (Oh, please.  It’s all about sincerity.  If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

but there is also no need to hurt their feelings or embarrass them with overcomplicated apologies. (Can We make them show Us their Buttcracks and their Really Big Wrenches?)

(Did We really just do a call-back joke to an e-pissode that everybody ignored?)

Instead, just carry on with normal relations and sooner or later they will get the picture that you aren’t interested.  (That sentence becomes much more interesting once you realize that “normal relations” is a euphemism for “fucking in the missionary position”.  (Of course, it no longer makes any sense whatsoever, but it becomes much more interesting.))

Then they will likely give up and move on to someone else.  (Innat just like a man?)

It’s hard to see your love life (Because it’s invisible?  Because it doesn’t exist?  Because We’re surrounded by straight men???)

in a bigger context and be passive about it right now (Can We be passive-aggressive about it instead?)

 — your feelings are probably running the show. (Insert some joke about the runs here.  Also, Neil Patrick Harris and the Roadrunner.)

Check in with a more balanced, warm-hearted friend. (You know, it is very difficult to tell just how warm someone’s heart is.  Until you rip it out of their chest with a chainsaw.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

They got one thing in common: fire down below.

Greetings, Effusive Refusal Infuriates Confucius---


(Also, Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.)


Here is your horoscope for Friday, June 11, 2010 (Happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the Poconos. (“Poconos”, it occurs to Us, is one of those words that appears perfectly normal to those of Us from this particular geographic region, and yet, to the rest of all y’all, probably appears as ridiculous as people saying they are “going to the Piggly-Wiggly”. (Or, for that matter, the Wawa. (If We do in fact eventually turn into Andy Rooney, can We please still remember to trim Our eyebrows?)))):


(We accidentally typed “to trim” as “tot rim”. Micro$oft Weird™ objected with a blue “word choice” squiggle. Because apparently they don’t have a specifically colored squiggle for child p0rnography.)


(You decent folk in Our readership (both of you) may take a while to get that one. In fact, you may not ever get it. So how ‘bout you just congratulate yourselves on your moral rectumtude, and let’s move on.)


(As you can see (and probably smell), We still have a paucity of material. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who gives a fu(k?) We are, however, trying desperately to make up for yesterday’s abbreviated Eric’s Daily Horoscope, which was more like Eric’s Daily Haiku.)


(Haikus are simple,


But sometimes they don’t make sense.


Refrigerator.)


(In other news, We went out last night. Dinner, and the theater, and cocktails afterwards, jes’ like da white folk. We saw the one-man show I Am My Own Wife at the Adrienne. We would recommend that you go see it, but you don’t even come to see Our shows, so why would We bother? It stars the guy who directed Us in Creussical: The Musical, which a very few of you long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers will recall being discussed in these pages Back In The Day (Doris Day, to be precise). This was, of course, when Eric’s Daily Horoscope was written on parchment paper and delivered by carrier pigeon. (One or two of you may have been getting it delivered by smoke signals, as this was also before We quit smoking. (See, We can wave Our rectumtude around, too.)) We actually have a few of those horoscopes preserved (as cave paintings), but We are saving ‘em up for Our memoirs. (You will have assumed, and quite correctly, We might add, that We are saving ‘em up for Our memoirs in Our armoire. Which is nowhere near the credenza, and, thus, not in the time machine.))


(The preceding paragraph was mostly funny only to those who have been diligently reading every word of these pages since The Dawn Of Time. Since, at last count, both such people have been institutionalized, it really wasn’t funny to anybody except Us Our Own Selves. Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Patience pays off today, (Unfortunately, as an ARIES, We ain’t got any patience. Also, We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)


though it may feel like it's costing you everything to deploy it. (On the plus side, We probably have a coupon.)


If you sit still and just listen while friends or coworkers rant, (In order to have coworkers, One would need to have a JAWB. (Shudder.))


you can learn enough to get moving quickly. (Throw a cup of Metamucil™ in some sauerkraut and you will achieve the same result.)


(That was a little p00p joke. Because p00p is funny to everybody, and We are magnanimous.)


Things start to move quickly today (P00P!!!)


— but you can keep up, as always. (We were about to tell a joke using the p00p metaphor “dropping the kids off at the pool”. But then We got caught up in the fact that that’s really not an apt metaphor. Because you really don’t ever go back and pick the kids UP from the pool. (Do you? (Please don’t answer that.)))


You’re quite fiery, especially when it’s time to speak your mind (Especially when We’re on fire. Or when We’ve been fired.)


— or ask for answers you know you deserve. (Ask Ethel Merman’s mulatto chimpanzee…what’s the best eunuch? Tricky Dick Cheney.)


(You DID just sing that last bit, didn’t you? It’s to the tune of the old Chicken-of-the-Sea™ tuna jingle. Proper scansion requires mispronouncing “Cheney” as “chay-KNEE” instead of “CHAY-knee”, but We don’t think he’ll mind. Although We wouldn’t go hunting with him any time soon. (Meanwhile, if you have any idea what We’re talking about (the tuna jingle part, not the Dick Cheney part) you are really, really old.))


You’ve never been shy about asking those questions, either, even if they’re not polite. (Did you pick your kids up from the pool?)


Now that you’ve got a hot topic on your mind (Hot Topic is not punk rock.)




and you know there’s no other way to solve it than to ask around, (Before We try that, can We try solving it by SLEEPING around?)


you’re more than willing to risk tarnishing your reputation (Oh, please.)


a little to get the answers you’re after. (We don’t even know what the question is.)


Temper your straightforward approach with a lighter, funnier manner. (You know what? If you use that sentence three times in a sentence, it’ll be yours. Because We sure as h3ll don’t want it.)


That doesn’t mean that you have to play dumb or act like a ditz, but why push it when you’re still just getting to know someone? (Because if you push the kids out of the car, they go in the pool faster. (In Our case, of course, it’s a minivan. Although there’s precious little “mini” about it. Driving Our kids around in a tractor-trailer, We are. It’s a miracle We can get ‘em NEAR the pool.))


(This space left intentionally blank for all y’all to do your own Shelley Winters joke.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




only good-tasting cowgrass get to be Scarface)