Duuduu that vuuduu that yuu duu so well

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 9^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Billy, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).  Also, Happy Birthday to Chad, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Utah.  With the Mormons.

To digress for just a muumuu (which, of course, We so rarely duuduu (heh…She said “duuduu”)), We have noticed, of late, a rogue pair of Mormon elders (parenthetically (hence the parentheses), why do they call them “elders” when they’re twelve years old?) repeatedly roaming Our neighborhood, which causes Us to ponder two things:

Who exactly are they proselytizing in this stalwart bastion of Catholicism?

AND

Is it possible to see two hottie Mormon elders roaming the streets in their dress shirts and ties and NOT think “gay porno movie”?

Equally randomly, is it just Us, or should “Stalwart Bastion” be the name of some superhero’s alter ego?  “Meanwhile, in a cleverly concealed cavern miles beneath Stately Bastion Manor, kabillionaire Stalwart Bastion dons the cape and cowl of his crime-fighting alter-ego, LemurMan…”

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana… LemurMan!  LemurMan!  LEMURMAN!

(Sorry.)

Additionally, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Brian, who turns twenty-four today in O Hai, Ohio.

Also, Happy Noveno de Mayo to everybody else.

And now, you must stop whatever you are doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without having experienced this:  

http://shittywigsinproductionsofjoseph.tumblr.com/

In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leontyne Price…

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leontyne Price as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.)  And how many of you knew that Leontyne Price had a brother named Dentyne?)

Speaking of black women, We had a dream last night about Christmas, which involved a great deal of confusion concerning a bunch of gifts that had been wrapped with no identifying tags.  We have no idea what the whole thing was about, but Santa Claus was a black woman.

In other news, tomorrow (Saturday, May 10^th), the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage at 7:30.  In keeping with the Mothers Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod.   You won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:  

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/676401 

 and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/1597583040466089

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Pierre Bouvier’s birthday.  While not as much fun to say as “Enrique Iglesias”, Pierre Bouvier is still plenty fun to say.  Especially if you intersperse “Leontyne and Dentyne Price” (didja know they had a half-sister named “Aubergine”?).

Slow down and get everything right today — or at least as much as you can. (Thar’s a paradox in that thar conundrum…)

(That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction…)

(Hard to believe there was actually a 60s TV show named after women’s underwear…)

(Is anybody else now contemplating a pilot script for Candypants Corner?  WonderBra Way?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then…)

Speeding up is almost guaranteed to backfire, so don’t move any more quickly than you absolutely must. (Alright, already.  Jeebus.)

This phase is almost complete.  (Wait…so it really IS just a  phase?!?)

You’re in the mood to work hard now — really, really hard. (Have you met Us?)

As fiery as you are when you get an idea set in your mind, you definitely don’t take kindly to anyone who gets between you and your goal. (On the other hand, just you TRY to get between Us and Our Calvins.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Brooke Shields.))

Of course, your first impulse will be to enlist everyone who comes along.  (That sentence would be much more interesting with a different verb in place of “enlist”.  (No, really…try it and see.  We’ll wait.))

But if that’s not possible, then you can at least do the kind thing: Warn them that it might be a good idea to get out of your way.  (Kindness is such a fluid concept.)

No one says you have to wait three days before calling, but there is a strong possibility that you’re not in too big a hurry when it comes to love right now.  (Because you already spent sixteen sentences telling Us to slow down.  Jeebus.  Does no one proofread this tripe?)

Think over what you want to say and take your own sweet time. (Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

When Irish guys are smiling

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WednesdayAdamsButWednesdayAdamsICannotWriteWithAnyStyleOrProperEtiquetteIDon'tKnowAParticipleFromAPredicateIAmJustASimpleCobblerFromConnecticut, March 12^st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Sean, who turns twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay. (Sean is most likely NOT in WeHo, although he IS in El Lay.  But whenever We imagine El Lay, We imagine WeHo, as that is Where The Bois Are.  (Apropos of nothing, when Sean used to live on The Right Coast, he lived for a while in GeHo.  Which We almost NEVER picture, and the reason for whose name no longer even exists.))

Are We babbling today?  We feel like We’re babbling today.

Did We wish a Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Sean yet?  We might have, but We weren’t listening to Ourself.  Did We mention that, in addition to being Talented, he is Lovely?  We used to say, back when We had people to say things to, that he was sculpted out of white chocolate.

Good thing no one listens to anything We say NOW.

Happy Birthday also to Michael, who also turns twenty-four today (Fo’ Realzies…imagine that), right next door to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  In New Jersey.  Or, to continue with today’s running and yet unfunny joke, NeJo.  Michael is, coincidentally, also Lovely.  He may be Talented as well, but We have no evidence whereby to judge.

We are apparently still baaaaabbbling away.  Babbling like Brooke’s dress shields.

What?

In case you are wondering why We are babbling (which, naturally, you aren’t, but We are attempting to maintain the fiction (is this thing on?)), We are having an especially crappy week to cap off an especially crappy month, and We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout the weather.  We seem to have come, unexpectedly, to a fork in the road, and We are attempting to maintain control over which way We wind up turning.

Unfortunately, it is unclear to Us whether We are Robert Frost or Roberta Flack.

(We have no fucking clue what that meant, but it sho’ nuff did sound clebber, dinnit?)

Did We wish Happy Birthday to Sean and Michael yet?  Did We mention that they are Lovely and Talented?  Did We say that We are picturing them wrestling naked in a hot tub full of white chocolate?  (Oooops…was that the outside voice?)

And We wonder why no one listens when We talk…

  Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 

Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

http://www.queerty.com/justin-biebers-penis-will-be-redacted-from-police-security-footage-sorry-everyone-20140305/

And now, the HorrorScope:

You need to work out some of this great energy — so go have an adventure!  (Oh, no doubt We shall.  Of course, it will most likely be an adventure called “Poseidon”, but, hey.  Who’s counting?  Or accounting?  Or Count Chocula™?)

(Ooops…sorry.)

It may be at work or out in the wild, (Not that those are exactly mutually exclusive.)

but your amazing vigor is a sight to behold. (“Vigor”?  Izzat what the kidz are calling it these days?)

Others are quite impressed!  (With what?)

You’re more observant than usual, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

especially when you stand to benefit from your discoveries. (We do so desperately want to make a “disc ovaries” joke here.  Unfortunately there aren’t any.)

Your eyes are open wide and nothing escapes your gaze. (Well, DUH.  Our eyes are open wide, so We have a gaze.  If We squint a little, We’ll have a gazelle.)

(Also, Our eyes are on the sparrow.  Or Ronan Farrow. One of those.)

This is a great day for detective work. (Good thing We look like Miss Marple then, innit?)

You find it easy to stay one step ahead of those around you. (That’s pretty simple when everyone’s avoiding you.)

You shine with an inner light. (She neglected to add, “Because you have uranium up Uranus.”)

(It’s not every sentence that has three words in a row beginning with U.)

(Unfortunately (heh), that still doesn’t help Us figger out if We are Robert Frost or Roberta Flack.)

(Still dunno what that means, but that won’t stop Us from saying it.)

The excitement that surrounds you motivates everyone else to have a more positive attitude.  (Of course…they are positive they want to put a stop to Our excitement.)

Your life feels like an action flick today, (Mmm-hmm. Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives.)

with you as the star!  (Dearest Darlingest AssHattedest Kelli: is the exclamation point meant to indicate that you are SURPRISED that We are the star of Our Own life?  Because fuck you.)

Find someone who can keep up with you, (It’s not so much finding someone who CAN as it is finding someone who WANTS TO.)

then challenge them to top you in finding adventure. (Yeah, whatever.  If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in a hot tub full of white chocolate with Sean and Michael.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.