Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WednesdayAdamsButWednesdayAdamsICannotWriteWithAnyStyleOrProperEtiquetteIDon'tKnowAParticipleFromAPredicateIAmJustASimpleCobblerFromConnecticut, March 12st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Sean, who turns twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay. (Sean is most likely NOT in WeHo, although he IS in El Lay. But whenever We imagine El Lay, We imagine WeHo, as that is Where The Bois Are. (Apropos of nothing, when Sean used to live on The Right Coast, he lived for a while in GeHo. Which We almost NEVER picture, and the reason for whose name no longer even exists.))
Are We babbling today? We feel like We’re babbling today.
Did We wish a Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Sean yet? We might have, but We weren’t listening to Ourself. Did We mention that, in addition to being Talented, he is Lovely? We used to say, back when We had people to say things to, that he was sculpted out of white chocolate.
Good thing no one listens to anything We say NOW.
Happy Birthday also to Michael, who also turns twenty-four today (Fo’ Realzies…imagine that), right next door to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. In New Jersey. Or, to continue with today’s running and yet unfunny joke, NeJo. Michael is, coincidentally, also Lovely. He may be Talented as well, but We have no evidence whereby to judge.
We are apparently still baaaaabbbling away. Babbling like Brooke’s dress shields.
In case you are wondering why We are babbling (which, naturally, you aren’t, but We are attempting to maintain the fiction (is this thing on?)), We are having an especially crappy week to cap off an especially crappy month, and We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout the weather. We seem to have come, unexpectedly, to a fork in the road, and We are attempting to maintain control over which way We wind up turning.
Unfortunately, it is unclear to Us whether We are Robert Frost or Roberta Flack.
(We have no fucking clue what that meant, but it sho’ nuff did sound clebber, dinnit?)
Did We wish Happy Birthday to Sean and Michael yet? Did We mention that they are Lovely and Talented? Did We say that We are picturing them wrestling naked in a hot tub full of white chocolate? (Oooops…was that the outside voice?)
And We wonder why no one listens when We talk…
Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T YOU?
And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity. Jeebus.
And now, the HorrorScope:
You need to work out some of this great energy — so go have an adventure! (Oh, no doubt We shall. Of course, it will most likely be an adventure called “Poseidon”, but, hey. Who’s counting? Or accounting? Or Count Chocula™?)
It may be at work or out in the wild, (Not that those are exactly mutually exclusive.)
but your amazing vigor is a sight to behold. (“Vigor”? Izzat what the kidz are calling it these days?)
Others are quite impressed! (With what?)
You’re more observant than usual, (Sorry…did you say something?)
especially when you stand to benefit from your discoveries. (We do so desperately want to make a “disc ovaries” joke here. Unfortunately there aren’t any.)
Your eyes are open wide and nothing escapes your gaze. (Well, DUH. Our eyes are open wide, so We have a gaze. If We squint a little, We’ll have a gazelle.)
(Also, Our eyes are on the sparrow. Or Ronan Farrow. One of those.)
This is a great day for detective work. (Good thing We look like Miss Marple then, innit?)
You find it easy to stay one step ahead of those around you. (That’s pretty simple when everyone’s avoiding you.)
You shine with an inner light. (She neglected to add, “Because you have uranium up Uranus.”)
(It’s not every sentence that has three words in a row beginning with U.)
(Unfortunately (heh), that still doesn’t help Us figger out if We are Robert Frost or Roberta Flack.)
(Still dunno what that means, but that won’t stop Us from saying it.)
The excitement that surrounds you motivates everyone else to have a more positive attitude. (Of course…they are positive they want to put a stop to Our excitement.)
Your life feels like an action flick today, (Mmm-hmm. Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives.)
with you as the star! (Dearest Darlingest AssHattedest Kelli: is the exclamation point meant to indicate that you are SURPRISED that We are the star of Our Own life? Because fuck you.)
Find someone who can keep up with you, (It’s not so much finding someone who CAN as it is finding someone who WANTS TO.)
then challenge them to top you in finding adventure. (Yeah, whatever. If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in a hot tub full of white chocolate with Sean and Michael.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.