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Monday, March 10, 2014

Without someone in a tree, nothing happened here

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManicDepressiveMonday, March Tenf , 2014. Happy HavingSprungForwardOurBiologicalTimePieceHasNoFuckingClueWhatTimeItIs.

Happy Birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Judith, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork. Happy Birthday also too to Todd, who also too turns twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay.

Belatedly, Happy Belated Birthday to Austin, and David, and Jamie, and Jay, and OurAmericanCousin Dawn, each of whom turned twenty-four sometime since Our last e-pissode, somewhere right here in the You Essive Eh.

The reason it has been so many days since Our last e-pissode is that We have been busy, doing three different shows, as well as two rehearsals (one for one of the three shows, and one for a completely different show). Hi-Ho, the glamorous life, and who you callin’ “Ho”?

We should point out that We have only three more performances of Our current murder mystery, before it is replaced by Our new murder mystery.  Those dates are March 15, 28, and 29, so if you’re interested, lettuce know quick, fast, and in-a-hurry.  Also, the radio play will return with all-new episodes (they’re not e-pissodes, because they’re on the radio) on April 10.  Moron that story as it develops.

In still other news, We did something nice for someone this weekend.  (You’re shocked, We know). Well, actually for two someones.  We can’t go into detail because, to the best of Our knowledge, one of the someones (lettuce call her “Someone Number One”) doesn’t even know about it yet. (It occurs to Us that perhaps We should refer to her as “Someone Number Two”, since the other someone DOES know about it, which, it would seem, should grant him “Someone Number One” status.)

Being nice is confusing.

Good thing We don’t do it very often.

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

In celebrity birthday news, how is it that We are just now learning that Chuck Norris and Osama bin Laden were both born on the same day (today)?  There is a joke in there somewhere, but no one is paying Us to find it.

And now, because We have Other Things To Do, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia has a basic but invaluable productivity tip for you: before you take a break, know exactly what you're going to do next when you come back. This might involve leaving something a bit undone (leaving something in the well, as Hemingway said) so you can pick up where you have left off. When you return, it will be easy for you to recommence rather than having to reinvent the universe. Know what Madame Olivia means?

Aries, part of your life task is self-expression. You've got the management thing pretty well in hand, but where is the real you? What you're going through may be unsettling, but in the process you will lose a husk of repression. You're going to make some wonderful discoveries. Believe it: blossoming will ensue.

Be on the lookout for boat imagery of some sort-- a gondola? Raft? Canoe? Sailboat?

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.