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Monday, March 17, 2014

She’s a bad mama jama

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManStiffMonday, March 17st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Amelia, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.  Also, Happy Birthday to Doug, and to Matt, and to Patti, each of whom also turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Ann, and Bethany, and Charlie, and Frieda, and Matt, and Stephen, and Stephen, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, OurAmericanCousin Brian, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

And Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to the rest of you.

In other news, Winter 2014 is cordially invited to suck Our dick.  And NOT just because of the weather.

It IS “Winter 2014”, isn’t it?  Even though it started in 2013? Presumably, that depends on what season the whole business started in…

Perhaps one of Our Creationist Gentle Readers would be so kind as to inform Us as to the season in which God created The Universe.

(Is anyone attempting to pixture Our Creationist Gentle Readers now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  (Granted, it must be difficult to pixture people whose heads have exploded.))

The Bible is a bit sketchy on seasonal details surrounding the Creation.  (What?  We have so too read The Bible.  (AND seen the movie, ThankYouVeryMuch.))

For example, it tells Us that God created The Universe in six days, and on the seventh day, She was arrested.  (For creating universes without a license, naturally.  (Fortunately, being God, She had an excellent attorney who got Her off on a technicality.))

Now, We know that that seventh day was Sunday, from the whole “keep holy the Spongebath” business.  Which means that God started work on The Universe on a Monday.  Which right away leaves Us much less impressed with God, because surely, if you are God, you could see to it that Monday was a holiday.  Or, at the very least, that you could telecommute/work from home. (Although, biblical recorders having come after the fact on this one (not having been created till Day Six and all), perhaps She did.  Which means that God may have separated The Light from The Darkness while wearing a housecoat and fuzzy slippers, with Her hair up in curlers.)

(That would explain Daylight Savings Time.)

There is no mention, however, to the best of Our knowledge, of what SEASON it was when all this came to pass.  Of course, The Universe having been started in the Middle East, it doesn’t make much difference, as One doesn’t really have seasons in a desert. (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses) , another thing of which there is no mention is what the Chinese had to say about The Universe starting up in the Middle East when they had already been around for centuries.)

One of the next things The Bible tells Us is that shortly after having created The Universe, God made it rain for forty days and forty nights.  Because She decided that She had made a mistake, and wanted to start over. (We are NOT making this up, kidz…God MADE A MISTAKE.)

Now, that “raining for forty days and forty nights” business SOUNDS all kinds of impressive, until you realize that recently, it SNOWED for forty days and forty nights. And that was just November.

We’re not even going to start in on Moses sharting the Red Sea…We’re just gonna call it “Winter 2014” and be done with it.

In other news, We betook Ourselves to suburbia yesterday, to see OurMizDonna be BRILLLLiant in Allens Lane’s Lettice and Lovage, and We are ever so glad We did!  We were not previously acquainted with the play, so it was all a lovely surprise to Us, and, as mentioned, OurMizDonna was superb.  If you find yourself free this Friday or Saturday, you have two more chances to catch it; info here:

Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: 

Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

And now, as the day is fast escaping Us, and, not being God, We have to shovel Our Own snow, a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia was recently reminded of a succinct precept, namely "Hope is not a strategy." This gem comes from the business world but is applicable in so many arenas. Can you see how this might be relevant to you? Just a little more planning and objectivity will alter your trajectory dramatically. Don't be afraid to ask for help on this.

Now, Aries, Madame Olivia hates to tamper with the wonderful way you take charge and make things happen. Really, it's admirable, and even when people complain, notice that they're letting you lead the way. Nevertheless, it can't hurt to revisit mindfulness. Slow down and listen to a few other opinions before you jump in right now.

Word of the hour: play

Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.