Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, March 21rd, 2014.
We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind that they’re telling Us it will snow next week). Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
Also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
In other news, warm kisses on your opening to Patrick, whose production of Sordid Lives opens tonight in Greater Bostonia. Can Our Philly Sordid folks who are reading here believe that Our show will be NINE YEARS AGO this October?
In other other news, A Lovely Man bought Us dinner last night (thank you, Lovely Man). We are in discussions about a project, but We cannot divulge any information at this time.
Is it just Us, or is “divulge” a totally revolting word? Like it’s something a plumber does that no one wants to talk about? And, if you try it at home, you need to wear rubber gloves and protective eyegear?
So Fred Phelps died.
In other other other news, very few people are probably at work reading this, as it is Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday, and most businesses are closed.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
A minor setback feels like a big deal to you (Well, then, it IS a big deal, and who the hell are YOU to call it a “minor setback”? Bee-yotch.)
— but it’s mostly in your head. (You don’t have clearance to look in Our head.)
Try not to read too much into it this time and see what happens. (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!)
You may still be grouchy, (Also, Grumpy, Sneezy, and Dopey.)
but at least you’re not panicking! (“Panicking”? Since when is “Panicking” one of the Seven Dwarves? Try to keep up, AssHatt.)
With every step you take today, you are approaching a major turning point, (“A major turning point”, “a minor setback”…aren’t YOU just Judgey McJudgerson?)
so you’ve got to be primed and ready to act when you see a great opportunity heading your way. (Mmm-hmmm. ‘Cause THAT happens ever.)
Changes can happen at any time in your life — if you are ready and waiting for them. (The Change Of Life, on the other hand, happens only one time in your life.)
It might not be comfortable for you to act quickly at first, (But then you will realize the wisdom of Uta Hagen, who, in her seminal work Respect for Acting said, “The quicker you act, the sooner you drink.”)
but eventually you will get into the excitement and enjoy the unpredictability of it all. (Ya wanna bet?)
You’ll never feel more in charge of your life than you do today. (Great…so it’s all downhill from here, then.)
Don’t take things too personally today. (Again, DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!)
A more detached P.O.V. (Pissed Off Virgin? Plain Old Vagina? Help Us out here…)
helps you see the true extent of your efforts as well as the role of timing and sheer chance. (Are you just choosing words at random now, Kelli? Jeebus.)
A close friend can help you figure it all out. (Well, THAT’S comforting.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.