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Monday, March 24, 2014

And at any given moment, the ashtrays are clean





Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMantisPrayingForDeathMonday, March 24rd, 2014.




Our next-door-neighbor to OurHouseWhereWeLive is currently remodeling his kitchen.  He is in the “ripping out the old” stage.  Which is making Us pray for death.  (Thematic, no? (Or should We say “theMantic”.  (Heh…see what We did there?  (Dear lord Jeebus, he’s got a DRILL.))))



(How many of YouPeople are now pixturing a horror fillum in which he rips his way through HIS kitchen wall into OUR kitchen, and starts “ripping out the old” over here?)



(Y’all are a bunch of iggernant bitches.)



On a positive note (and We are struggling oh-so-valiantly to be positive, in a world gone mad (you DID hear that last bit in Movie Announcer Voice, didn’t you?  (Try to keep up)), The LovelyAndTalented local actor Justin (whom We know through TCBITWWW*, not, naturally, through any mutual strutting-and-fretting (Is it just Us, or when We hyphenate “strutting-and-fretting” that way, does it make you think of mummers instead of The Scottish Play?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then)) has been taking pixtures of himself in various poses in homage to other people’s SitOnMyFaceBook prfile pixtures, and this morning, We woke up to Our evry Own homage, which see above as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Inky Dinky Dinky Dinky Parlez Vous.



We will take Our positive notes where We can find them, ThankYouVeryMuch.
But back to the hatter at mad…er, matter at hand:  Happy Birthday to Ethan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Happy Birthday also to Miriam, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way across the pond in the UK.



(The UK is suddenly giving Us pause…We know We have Gentle Readers in the UK, and Canada, and Australia, and We know We have English-speaking Gentle Readers in non-English-speaking countries, (such  as Lex in China (hi, Lex in China (saying “Lex in China” always makes Us think of the opera, Nixon in China. Because We’re cultured like that.  Like a pearl))), but We wonder if We have any NON-English-speaking Gentle Readers who are forced to filter these e-pisstles through Google’s translator, and how that works out for them.)



Moving on, Happy Birthday also too to Rosemary, who also too turns twenty-four today, right here in the vicinity of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  And Happy Birthday also too too to Thomas, who also too too does the same, presumably not in a tutu.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Andrew, and Dave, and Kathleen, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.



And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to The LovelyAndTalented Stephen, who also turned twenty-four this weekend. (Not to name-drop (she said, promptly name-dropping), but that’s Stephen SONDHIEM, ladies and genitals, who is Our SitOnMyFaceBook friend.  Which gives One to wonder, what happens if Stephen Sondheim takes SitOnMyFaceBook’s “Which Stephen Sondheim Musical Are You?” quiz…)



Happy Equity Day Off to Our friends who are enjoying Equity Day Off…




We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind that they’re telling Us it will snow next week).  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:




Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.




We were going to tell you all about the dream We had, where We went to Gay Pride and Our date never showed up, and Our other dream We had, where We were a dog (literally, not figuratively) with an abusive owner, but We would like to post this e-pissode sometime before NEXT Monday, so moving on…



And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:




It is Harry Houdini’s birthday.  He would be a hundred and forty years old today if he hadn’t, ya know, disappeared.  (Heh…see what We di…Oh, shut up.)




You need to slow down a bit and try to just relax — you’re heading for a breakdown otherwise!  (Oh, please…We passed “Breakdown” three exits ago.)




Even the highest-functioning folks like you need some down time every now and then.  (Isn’t “high(er/est) functioning” a designation They use for the mentally-impaired, so said mentally-impaired don’t catch on that what They’re saying is, “not quite a mentally-impaired as this mentally-impaired person, but muchmore mentally impaired than that one”?)




(Also, please join Us in congratulating Ourself for not using the word ‘tard once in that sentence.  (Oooops.))




Strange but interesting ideas will be bursting from your brain early today, (Ouch!)




but good luck getting any of them to become reality now. (Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.)




You are likely to deal with some unexpected eruptions from other people, (We should be so lucky.)




which will definitely distract you. (Sorry…did you say something?)




So don’t have expectations that are too high, today. (Expect nothing, and you will never be disappointed.)



(Expectorate nothing, and you will never be dehydrated.)




(Sorry.)




You need to slow down anyway — you’ve been going too fast for too long and it’s time to let other people take the lead. (Oh, great…now We’re doing a cameo appearance in Our very Own life.)




Trying too hard gets you nowhere when it comes to love, especially today.  (Trying too soft, on the other hand, doesn’t work out so well neither.)






Meet everyone with an open heart and high spirits, (So you’re saying have a martini and hit ‘em in the thorax with a chainsaw?)




and experience them as they are, not as what you want from them. (Where’s the fun in THAT?)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

(*TCBITWWW = The Cutest Boy In The Whole Wide World)