We been spending most our lives living in an Amish paradise

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMackTruckMonday, November 11^rd  , 2013. (We’ll pause here, so you can savor just exactly how preposterous you sound,  attempting to pronounce “11^rd” .)

So, first and Formosa, thank you to Juan Anne Dahl who came out to support Us as We strutted and fretted Our hour upon the stage last night.  We had so much fun looking for Uranus!  And it will amuse you to know that, not only is Leonardo DiCaprio a Scorpio, but his birthday is today!  Also, We just learned that his middle name is “Wilhelm”.  Seriously.  “Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio.”  Wut da fuq were Mom and Pops DiCaprio smoking?

Okay, We’ll get off of Leo DiCaprio now, before Tobey Maguire gets pissed at Us. 

Seconal, Happy Birthday to OurMizCathy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  MizCathy was at the show last night.  Also, Happy Birthday to Dito, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.   Dito’s alter ego, Martha Graham Cracker, was mentioned IN the show last night.  In the very same paragraph as Deborah Block’s Cock.

We bet you’re sorry you missed it now.

Thirstily, Happy Veterans Day.  We trust most of you are enjoying a day off of work.  Today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Marilyn McCoo Spiro Agnew, however, is Our gift to those of you who do NOT have the day off.  Employ it as you see fit.

We were somewhat taken aback to see a Google Doodle for veterans Day today.  Google doesn’t usually do a Doodle for such a mainstream holiday; they’re usually more like, “Happy 237^th birthday to Millard Fillmore’s proctologist”.

(How many of you are now attempting to picture the Google Doodle for Millard Fillmore’ proctologist’s birthday?  Perverts.)

Meanwhile, from the Useless Junk Email Department, Eversave Philadelphia wants Us to know that We can get 78% off on a cordless electric knife.  We totally want one now.  Oh, not for Our kitchen.  To carry around in public.  Can’t you just picture Us whipping that bad boy out of Our purse on the Broad Street Subway?

(Note to Self: get bigger purse.)

Fort Lee, We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  is actually going on tour!  We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country.  You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/596376880428754/ .

Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?

And now, the HorrorScope:

In other celebrity birthday news, in case you weren’t feeling old enough yet today, Will Smith apparently has a child named Trey (this is NOT the child who whips her hair back and forf).  He turns twenty-one today.

Try to just chill out today, as much as you can.  (There’s precious little “can” about it…have you seen the weather reports?)

You don’t have the right kind of energy (No shit.)

to exert your will on the world, but you can at least rest, heal up and get ready for the exciting times to come!  (Indeed so!  Amish Uranus!  We’re guessing We don’t even have to shave Our legs!)

It’s time to do some reading between the lines. (It’s a one-woman show.  In between the lines, We breathe.)

A friend who’s an expert at this can help you detect the signs, and then it’s time to figure out how, exactly, you’re going to handle this potentially sticky situation. (Oh, Zebediah, Zebediah, Zebediah….sticky, sticky Zebediah.  It’s time to plow the back forty.)

 Your conservative, practical side (Um…have you MET Us?)

may be in denial (We are NOT in denial.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

that there’s something funny going on, (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: the Amish don’t usually glow in the dark”.)

(We have absolutely no idea what that meant.)

 but on a more intuitive level, it’s hard to refute.  (Also, on a more infuitive level, it’s hard to retoot.)

Remember that you don’t have to go out every single night! (Or, apparently, ANY single night.)

It’s perfectly okay to take a break and do as little as possible tonight. (You heard the lady.)

Slip into your favorite PJs and relax with something mindless. (That is a very mean way to talk about Zebediah.)

You’re sure to feel better in the morning. (Better than what?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

There is a house in New Orleans

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManTrickMonday, March 11, 2013.Oh, Our dears!   Our trusty Dilbert desk calendar informs Us that there are no less than FOUR holidays going on Down Undah in Australia today!  First off, it is Commonwealth Day, not only in Australia, but also in Canada, New Zealand, and the YUK.  It is Canberra Day, and also Labour Day, but only in the State of Victoria.  And, for those of you who are bitching this morning about the ravages of Daylight Saving Time, in the Australian State of Tasmania, today is something called “Eight Hours Day”.  Because they are Australian, and they don’t fuck around.

It must be very confusing to live in a country where all the states celebrate different holidays at different times.  Why, just imagine if, here in the Youessiveay, New Jersey were (sunjunctively (thank you, Shaun)) celebrating Arbor Day while Delaware celebrated Millard Fillmore’ s birthday, and Philadelphia were (sunjunctively (thank you, Shaun))  enjoying Kwanzaa during the Pennsylvania Dutch’s Rumspringa.  Chaos, havoc, and pandemonium, no?

Speaking of Rumspringa, and other such causes for celebration, festivity, and merriment, Happy Birthday to Christopher, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.  (That is, of course, much like all other pronouns in these e-pisstles, The Royal WeHo, as in “You Tarzan, WeHo”.)

(We are so sorry.  That joke just came to Us, and that was the fastest way We could think of to tell it.  We trust that it was like ripping off a Band-Aid™, and has stopped hurting already.)

Meanwhile, as if Christopher’s natal anniversary weren’t (subjunctively) enough cause for celebration, here are a few more birthday wishes, so every state in Australia can celebrate something different:  Happy Belated Birthday to Todd, who turned twenty-four this weekend, also in California (We shall refrain from saying “WeHo” again.  You’re welcome.).  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Michelle, who also turned twenty-four this weekend, in the Australian State of Kentucky.  Also also, Happy Belated birthday to Rachel, and to Brian, and to Judith, each of whom also also turned twenty-four this weekend, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love-Handles.

We are not the only One to remark on the number of June Honeymoon Baby birthdays being celebrated this time of year.  Just the other day, OurSean (hi, Sean!), coincidentally also in California, NWH (Not WeHo) was remarking on same on SitOnOurFacebook.  Great minds sink a dyke.  Whatever that means.

Our weekend, meanwhile was somewhat rollercoasteresque.  (What, Micro$oft Weird™? “Rollercoasteresque” isn’t a word?)  Our ailment continued, but was apparently a cold, not the flu.  We ministered to same with many past-their-expiration-date medicaments from Our medicine chest.

(What is up with expiration dates on pills, anyway?  One buys cold pills when One has a cold.  One takes them till the cold goes away, then the rest of them sit in the box till the expiration date passes, and One gets One’s next cold.  But what the hell happens to them?  “Oh, sorry, these antihistamines have all passed their expiration dates, so you can’t take any of them.  The blue ones have turned into heroin, and the pink ones have turned into crack cocaine, and the green ones have turned into deadly poison.”   We don’t know about you, but when We are sick, We are A Big Baby, and We fail to see the down side to any of those things.)

On Saturday, We scraped Ourself out of Our deathbed to go utter Our fifty-six words of dialog in the student fillum We got cast in.  Except We made it fifty-seven, by consistently saying “…tell Us ALL about yourself…” instead of “…tell Us about yourself…”  Because We’re a rebel and We’ll never, never be any good.

In between thespianizing and getting hopped up on pills, We watched several fillums Our Own Self:

The latest entry in the Bourne franchise, entitled, to the best of Our knowledge, We’re Going To Squeeze Every Last Nickel Out Of This Bourne Franchise Or Die Trying.  Herewith Our capsule review:  You, sir, are no Matt Damon.

Also, the Richard Gere thriller Arbitrage.  Capsule review:  Fatal Flaw:  One does not cheat ON Susan Sarandon, One cheats WITH Susan Sarandon.

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/

Speaking of Rumspringa, why don’t’cha all celebrate by sharing Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Here are the HorrorScopes:

Despite currently residing in California NWH, the aforementioned Christopher-Whose-Twenty-Fourth-Birthday-Is-Today is originally from New Orleans.  Today is also the twenty-fourth birthday of Anthony Davis, who works for the New Orleans Hornets (presumably some manner of sports team), where he is the Power Forward.

(We shall pause here for a brand new feature of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, entitled “Gentle Readers Make-Your-Own Joke”.)

Your karmic balance may be stronger than your bank account balance —  (“May”?)

but it’s also more important, at least for the time being!  (Thank you, O Exclamation Point Of Shocking Revelation!)

You should find that things start to really pick up if you focus on good works.  (Hey, We just wished a happy birthday to six different people.  What the hell else do you want from Us?)

 Dreams have offered you some amazing insight on the questions you’ve been struggling over, but whether or not you utilize that insight is up to you.  (Oh, please.  If only Our head had a USB port.  Our dream last night was an epic story about Our Own life and friends, which also happened to be a cable television series set in the Great Depression Era.  We could be rich, We tells ya, RICH!)

You’re feeling a little bit paralyzed  (Buttcha ARE in that chair, Blanche!)

(How gay wuzZAT?)

and not ready to move ahead,  (Because We are PARALYZED.  AssHat.)

especially armed with nothing more than information created by your subconscious mind during the middle of the night.   (Fuck you.  Get HBO on the phone.)

That’s okay, though — do not move forward with anything unless you are completely convinced it’s the right thing to do. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT’S a formula for success.)

It’s okay to ignore your dreams.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Drag a shy friend into a chat with someone you know they like. (How rude!  And why do they have to be in drag?)

Offer to babysit for a couple you know hasn’t been out in far too long. (Especially if they are random strangers.  And wear a priest’s collar, to inspire confidence.)

Smile at a stranger.  (Because strangers?  Have the best candy.)

It’s all boosting your romantic karma! (So essentially, it’s like a Karmic WonderBra™?)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

President Fillmore still more glad

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMillardFillmoreMonday, February 18, 2013.  Happy Presidents Day, everybody!  Those Gentle Readers with children must have already sung a bunch of Presidents Day carols around the Presidents Day tree, and opened all their Presidents Day presents.  Here at OurHouseWhereWeLive, We’ve gotten a bit of a late start this morning, so Our celebrations have only gotten as far as Martin van Buren.

Our mind being what it is (or should that be “what it isn’t”, i.e. functional?), typing Martin van Buren just then made Us think of Mamie van Doren.  It did not, unfortunately, make Us think of a joke involving the two of them, because, really, how many Martin van Buren jokes can there be?

We have a lot of birthday wishes today, as We neglected to wish weekend-birthday folks a happy birthday in advance on Friday, so We’re doing Double Doody Today Tootie Rootie Tootie Fresh And Fruity.

(Sorry…Our needle got stuck.   (Old-timers will imagine that We mean a phonograph needle, but you youngsters will surmise (correctly) that We’re talking about a hypodermic needle.  (Heroin…it’s not just for breakfast any more.)))

Happy Birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four today in Arizona or some such state with an embarrassing governor.  (In Oklahoma, not Arizona, what does it matter? What does it matter? (That there was a little musical interlude.  On the hi-fi, for you oldsters.))

Happy Birthday also to Evan, who turns twenty-four today in New Yawk, and to Caroline, who turns twenty-four today in suburbia, and to Christopher, who not only turns twenty-four today, but also turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Because he is two different people.

Howzzat for a segue?  (What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.  (Try to keep up, people, these jokes ain’t getting’ any younger.))

Happy Birthday to Aaron, and Donna, and Rachel, each of whom turned twenty-four over the weekend, without any help from each other, as, to the best of Our knowledge, they are unacquainted.  Also, Happy Birthday to Rich, who’s all like, “Twenty-four?  Day-um, y’all are OLD!”, and how cosmopolitan are We, to actually know people who aren’t twenty-four yet?

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

Speaking of fillums, do NOT miss tomorrow’s e-pisstle, as it will be A Very Special E-Pissode for those who enjoy Our viZZZuals.

In other news, HimSelf asked Us to thank all of those who came out to watch him embarrass HimSelf as Jesus H. Christ in The VD Match Game.  A good time was apparently had by all, except those with any taste or decency.

Meanwhile, speaking of birthdays, We had an amazingly revelatory dream this weekend. The details are a bit hazy, as We had it on Friday night, but essentially, in Our dream, it was Our birthday.

(We interrupt this dream to inform you that Our actual birthday is April 17^th, and don’t let the fact that We spend all year wishing all y’all Happy Birthdays influence you in any way whatsoever.  KThxBye.)

And on Our birthday in this dream (did We all of a sudden start singing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm (and Bingo Was His Name-O)”?  (Oh, is that stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)), people were saying mean things to Us.  On Our BIRTHDAY!  So We said to them, We said (get ready for it): “Shut the fuck up, it’s my birthday!”

(We frequently eschew (gesundheit (thank you)) The Royal We in Our dreams.)

How ingenious is that?  At first blush, you might think it would only work on One’s actual birthday.  But, really, in addition to that, if the mean people were unacquainted with One’s actual birthday (as mean people are wont to be), it would work on any day of the year.  (Although not, perhaps, on two days in succession.)  And, even if the mean people were acquainted with One’s actual birthday, it would certainly give them a moment’s pause.

We think We shall start saying it all the time.  Perhaps We shall “make it happen”.  Much like “fetch”.  (But UNlike “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad”, which Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz ever to have said.)

And here are the HorrorScopes:

(Okay, not only Presidents Day, but also Yoko Ono’s birthday?  We’re gonna need to bake more cookies!)

You need to take it easy (Nothing is as easy as We are.  We are easy…easy like an Easy-Bake Oven™… (Bite Us, Lionel Richie.))

and see if you can get a little help  (Wait…We have help?  What is this, Downton Abbey?)

— things are going your way, but you could always use a little lift. (Or a little nip-tuck.  (Tell Us what you don’t like about yourself.))

Check in with a friend or coworker to see if you can work together.  (It is Presidents Day, bee-yotch.  Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.)

Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. (Oh, please.  If only Our schedule ever only hiccupped.  Usually it breaks out in hives, and then shits itself.)

 (That there was a werd pixture We created just for you.  You’re welcome.)

Suddenly, (And without warning?)

an unforeseen event  (Much like the Pope’s resignation, We did Nazi that coming.)

could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit like you’re under the gun.  (Whose gun is it, exactly?)

But have no fear!  (Underdog is here!)

This rapid change of pace will not send you down a stressful path.  (Perhaps a primrose path?)

Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your competitive, aggressive nature.  (Yeah, that doesn’t sound stressful AT ALL.)

This will be a funday, (Monday Funday?  That almost NEVER happens!)

full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat — and ready for the next curveball to come your way!  (Why are they throwing balls at Us if We’re sitting down?  We’re not very good at this sort of thing, Kelli, but We fear you may have muddled your sports metaphor.)

 You might run into a romantic obstacle today,  (See also:  Big Ol’ Dick.)

but when does that ever stop you?  (See also: Three-Legged Race.)

You’ve got plenty of possibilities,  (We’ve got plenty o’ nuthin’, and nuthin’s plenty for We.)

so make the most of them.  (Don’t tell Us what to do.  (We would love to close with a Martin van Buren joke, to be all thematological and all, but We know exactly nothing about him.  Lettuce go Google him on Wikipedia, and see if there’s anything funny about him…BRB…))

(Nope, he was boring.  We’re outtie.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.