Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTrickMonday,
March 11, 2013.Oh, Our dears! Our
trusty Dilbert desk calendar informs Us that there are no less than FOUR
holidays going on Down Undah in Australia today! First off, it is Commonwealth Day, not only
in Australia, but also in Canada, New Zealand, and the YUK. It is Canberra Day, and also Labour Day, but
only in the State of Victoria. And, for
those of you who are bitching this morning about the ravages of Daylight Saving
Time, in the Australian State of Tasmania, today is something called “Eight
Hours Day”. Because they are Australian,
and they don’t fuck around.
It must be very confusing to live in a
country where all the states celebrate different holidays at different
times. Why, just imagine if, here in the
Youessiveay, New Jersey were (sunjunctively (thank you, Shaun)) celebrating Arbor Day while Delaware celebrated
Millard Fillmore’ s birthday, and Philadelphia were (sunjunctively (thank you, Shaun)) enjoying Kwanzaa during the
Pennsylvania Dutch’s Rumspringa. Chaos,
havoc, and pandemonium, no?
Speaking of Rumspringa, and other such causes
for celebration, festivity, and merriment, Happy Birthday to Christopher, who
turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo. (That is, of course, much like all other
pronouns in these e-pisstles, The Royal WeHo, as in “You Tarzan, WeHo”.)
(We are so sorry. That joke just came to Us, and that was the
fastest way We could think of to tell it.
We trust that it was like ripping off a Band-Aid™, and has stopped
hurting already.)
Meanwhile, as if Christopher’s natal
anniversary weren’t (subjunctively) enough cause for celebration, here are a
few more birthday wishes, so every state in Australia can celebrate something
different: Happy Belated Birthday to
Todd, who turned twenty-four this weekend, also in California (We shall refrain
from saying “WeHo” again. You’re
welcome.). Also, Happy Belated Birthday
to Michelle, who also turned twenty-four this weekend, in the Australian State of
Kentucky. Also also, Happy Belated
birthday to Rachel, and to Brian, and to Judith, each of whom also also turned
twenty-four this weekend, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love-Handles.
We are not the only One to remark on the
number of June Honeymoon Baby birthdays being celebrated this time of
year. Just the other day, OurSean (hi,
Sean!), coincidentally also in California, NWH (Not WeHo) was remarking on same
on SitOnOurFacebook. Great minds sink a
dyke. Whatever that means.
Our weekend, meanwhile was somewhat
rollercoasteresque. (What, Micro$oft
Weird™? “Rollercoasteresque” isn’t a word?)
Our ailment continued, but was apparently a cold, not the flu. We ministered to same with many
past-their-expiration-date medicaments from Our medicine chest.
(What is up with expiration dates on pills,
anyway? One buys cold pills when One has
a cold. One takes them till the cold
goes away, then the rest of them sit in the box till the expiration date
passes, and One gets One’s next cold.
But what the hell happens to them?
“Oh, sorry, these antihistamines have all passed their expiration dates,
so you can’t take any of them. The blue
ones have turned into heroin, and the pink ones have turned into crack cocaine,
and the green ones have turned into deadly poison.” We don’t
know about you, but when We are sick, We are A Big Baby, and We fail to see the
down side to any of those things.)
On Saturday, We scraped Ourself out of Our
deathbed to go utter Our fifty-six words of dialog in the student fillum We got
cast in. Except We made it fifty-seven,
by consistently saying “…tell Us ALL about yourself…” instead of “…tell Us
about yourself…” Because We’re a rebel
and We’ll never, never be any good.
In between thespianizing and getting hopped
up on pills, We watched several fillums Our Own Self:
The latest entry in the Bourne franchise, entitled, to the best of Our knowledge, We’re Going To Squeeze Every Last Nickel Out
Of This Bourne Franchise Or Die Trying. Herewith
Our capsule review: You, sir, are no
Matt Damon.
Also, the Richard Gere thriller Arbitrage.
Capsule review: Fatal
Flaw: One does not cheat ON Susan
Sarandon, One cheats WITH Susan Sarandon.
Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you
can find out all about the show We’re directing, Uncharted Waters (and its
companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:
Speaking of Rumspringa, why don’t’cha all celebrate
by sharing Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with
your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .
Here are the HorrorScopes:
Despite currently residing in California NWH,
the aforementioned Christopher-Whose-Twenty-Fourth-Birthday-Is-Today is
originally from New Orleans. Today is
also the twenty-fourth birthday of Anthony Davis, who works for the New Orleans
Hornets (presumably some manner of sports team), where he is the Power Forward.
(We shall pause here for a brand new feature
of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, entitled “Gentle Readers Make-Your-Own Joke”.)
Your karmic balance may be stronger than your
bank account balance — (“May”?)
but it’s also more important, at least for
the time being! (Thank you, O Exclamation
Point Of Shocking Revelation!)
You should find that things start to really
pick up if you focus on good works. (Hey, We just wished a happy birthday to six different
people. What the hell else do you want
from Us?)
Dreams
have offered you some amazing insight on the questions you’ve been struggling
over, but whether or not you utilize that insight is up to you. (Oh, please.
If only Our head had a USB port.
Our dream last night was an epic story about Our Own life and friends,
which also happened to be a cable television series set in the Great Depression
Era. We could be rich, We tells ya,
RICH!)
You’re feeling a little bit paralyzed (Buttcha ARE in that chair, Blanche!)
(How gay wuzZAT?)
and not ready to move ahead, (Because We are PARALYZED. AssHat.)
especially armed with nothing more than
information created by your subconscious mind during the middle of the night. (Fuck you.
Get HBO on the phone.)
That’s okay, though — do not move forward
with anything unless you are completely convinced it’s the right thing to do. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT’S a formula for success.)
It’s okay to ignore your dreams. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Drag a shy friend into a chat with someone
you know they like. (How rude! And why
do they have to be in drag?)
Offer to babysit for a couple you know hasn’t
been out in far too long. (Especially if they are random strangers. And wear a priest’s collar, to inspire confidence.)
Smile at a stranger. (Because strangers? Have the best candy.)
It’s all boosting your romantic karma! (So
essentially, it’s like a Karmic WonderBra™?)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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