Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, March 14, 2013. Happy Birthday to Berdine, who turns twenty-four today. Also, Happy Pi Day to the rest of all y’all.
We actually started writing an e-pissode yesterday, before We got distracted by bright, shiny InterNetz. And, in the spirit of “waste not, wontons”, despite the fact that We have no idea what it means, here is how far We got:
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 13, 2013. Happy Birthday to Ian, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Hump Day to those of you who are already ON your backs, in full Hump Anticipation Mode.
Our inner CD shuffle is now playing a song called “The Humpy Pumpy”. It’s to the tune of “The Hokey Pokey”, but it’s a lot dirtier. (We’ll pause here for station identification to give somebody time to explain “CD shuffle” to the youngsters. (Wait till they find out that Our Own Personal CD shuffle is actually a mix tape. On eight-track.))”
A-buh-duh, a-buh-duh, a-buh-that’s all folks. As you can see, it would not have been much of an e-pissode, had We (subjunctively) chosen to publish it.
But now, as Our reward for waiting, We have a brand new Pope! Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, the original Broadway cast of The Boys In The Band put on their best jungle-red dresses, smoked up a bunch of altar boys, and, following an extremely competitive swimsuit competition, crowned a brand spanking new Miss Carmelita Pope-I-Verse, 2013. And not a moment too soon, We might add. Why, all of those pedophiles have been without a Protector and Champion for weeks on end now. Somebody might have caught a few of them.
Her Popeness has elected to call HerSelf Pope Anne Francis The Talking Mule, which might seem a bit frivolous to the ultra-pious, but She hopes it will distract them from the fact that her strap-on is constantly balls-deep in an altar boy. We, of course, being a recovering Catholic, shall refer to Her by Her true name, Pope Irrelevant The Thirteenth.
Now please get the bitch off of Our television, and have Her stop interrupting The Young and the Rest Of Us.
In other news, from The We Can’t Have Nice Things But We Don’t Know Why Department, they are discontinuing Google Reader. Sigh.
Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens just one week from this very day) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:
Speaking of Popes eating altar boys’ pies, why don’t’cha all oil up Uranus and share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .
Apropos of absolutely nothing, here is last year’s Pisces video, with the one and only Justin Bieber:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
But before things get that much worse, lettuce make them even worser: one of the Hanson brothers (you know, the ones who were the Jonas Brothers before the Jonas Brothers were, but after Menudo was), Taylor Hanson, to be specific, is turning thirty today. And (here comes the worsest part), he is NOT THE OLDEST ONE.
Your ambition is rarely a secret, (Indeed. Today, We am bitchin’ in da kitchen.)
and on a day like today, what you want is clear to see. (What she’s probably TRYING to say is, on a clear day, you can see forever. Of course, We have no idea WHY.)
Go for it (Fuck that…send someone for it.)
— your path shouldn’t be blocked, (Note to Self: call enemist.)
and even if you run into trouble, you can handle it with ease. (Note to Self, Two: buy ease.)
It is time for you to experience a few new things in your life. (Wait…We have a life?)
Your day-to-day routine is losing some of its excitement (Ya think?)
and you run a slight risk of getting too complacent — and lazy! (Is lazy with an exclamation point after it less lazy than lazy without an exclamation point after it? (Never mind…We can’t be arsed to figger it out.))
If you are living on a tight budget right now, don’t worry — it doesn’t require a lot of money to go exploring. (Spelunking, on the other hand, costs a small fortune.)
As a matter of fact, doing it on the cheap is often much more interesting than going first class all the way. (Well, good. Because We are cheap, and We have no class.)
So put on some comfortable shoes and take a new path at least once today. (Mmm-hmm. Speaking of forgotten Broadway musicals, ya know that song, “You Can’t Get A Man With A Gun”? Well, you ALSO can’t get a man if you’re wearing comfortable shoes.)
(This part is just for Our theatre queen readers: wouldn’t it be fun if the Annie in Annie Get Your Gun were (subjunctively) Little Orphan Annie from Annie? Discuss.)
(Somehow, Micro$oft Weird™ turned “more” in the preceding paragraph into “moiré”. Micro$oft Weird™ may actually be gayer (moiré gay?) than We are.)
Look to the universe and feel its power flow! (Then, look to Uranus. (That ain’t power.))
You’re full of energy (Reminder: See Note to Self to call enemist.)
— and inspiring others, too. (What if Our inspiration has passed its expiration date?)
You may even be moved to do something completely spontaneous that influences your love life. (Note to Self, Three: Do something completely spontaneous. Preferably at 4:45, after your enema.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.