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Monday, March 4, 2013

Movies were movies when Pauline was tied to the track

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManWhoreMonday, March 4rd, 2013.  Happy Labour Day to all of Our Western Australian readers Down Undah. (It occurs to Us that We’ve no idea if We actually HAVE Western Australian readers.  We have, no doubt, Australian readers, but, Our grasp of geography being what it is, We have no idea from which part.  (Which one of you bitches said “Queensland”?))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Corky, who turned twenty-four on Saturday.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Cliff, who also turned twenty-four, albeit on Sunday. Also also, Happy Birthday to Liesel, and Greg, and Matt, each of whom also also turns twenty-four of their very own today.

Wow.  That’s a lot of twenty-four-year-olds.  1989 must have been The Chinese Year Of The Boink. (That there was a little Chinese joke, for Our Chinese readers.  “Boink” being Chinese for “str8 people fucking in the missionary position and making babies”.)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!:  a multi-cultural experience.

Speaking of str8 people fucking in the missionary position and making babies, please go and join Our SitOnOurFaceBook event here (No, seriously…because, if you go right now, you’ll see why that was a really funny segue.):

Speaking of multiculturalism, We watched two fillums this weekend, in addition to having the first rehearsal for the murder mystery We wrote.  The first one wasn’t even in English, so how fucking classy are We?  It was called Patrik 1.5, and it was from Norwegia (where the Norwegians come from).  Or Finlandia (where the vodka comes from).  Or…what’s that other country like that over there?  Skidmark.

At any rate, the fact that they were speaking Skindinavian, or Squeamish, or whatever those people speak over there made one focus all the more on the movie itself, and, even though there were, of course, subtitles, One is fairly certain One would have followed right along without understanding a word of the script.  Which would seem to speak to the unimportance of the writer in movie-making, so perhaps We should just move on now.

The other fillum we watched was a full-on red-blooded Murrikan movie called Looper,  in which hit-man-from-the-future Bruce Willis is sent back in time to be killed by his younger self, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Despite the idiocy that it sounds like, it was reasonably literate and involving, as well-written time-travel yarns can be, since One never knows what will happen next, or, in fact, when “next” is, and, please, already, did We mention Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

In fact, Our only quibble with the fillum is that they did something to Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face to make him look more like Bruce Willis.  ExSQUEEZE Us?  Joseph Gordon-Levitt was the star of the piece, appearing in over 75% of the fillum; Bruce Willis appeared in well under half of it.  Plus, it’s JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, fercrissakes…in what universe would you not try to make Bruce Willis look a little more like HIM?  Lord knows, Bruce would be grateful.

Speaking of fillums in what passes for English, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise: .

For those of you who enjoy behind-the-scenes glimpses of the goings-on here at Eric’s!Daily! Horoscope!, today We shall be working on the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Aries, which shoots tomorrow.  Oh, the magic of the movies!  Perhaps We should write it in Swedish.  Maybe then Craft Services would let Us Finnish a Danish.

Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us.

Here are the HorrorScopes:

In other news, it is Chaz Bono’s birthday.  So there’s that.  It is also Adrian Zmed’s birthday, and who doesn’t like saying “Adrian Zmed”?

Speaking of birthdays, We are given to understand that Justin Bieber, who had his birthday on Friday, experienced his Worst. Birthday. EVAH.  Out of all nineteen of ‘em, so that’s really saying something.  Presumably, someone prevented him from counting his money.  Perhaps a replay of his video will cheer him up:

Your thinking needs to shift even further away from the mainstream — though that shouldn’t be too hard for you!  (Indeed.  Our thinking is so counter to the mainstream, it could be a salmon.  Which would be one explanation for why it smells so odd in here…)

Just make sure that you’re taking care of the people who need you the most.  (People…people who needle people…are the prickiest people in the world.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Punk Barbra Streisand.))

(You’re trying to picture that now, aren’t you?)

 If boosting your career isn’t on the top of your ‘to do’ list right now, then it should be  (Don’t you tell Us what ‘to do’!)

(Heh.  See what We ‘to did’ there?)

— especially today, when your deep yearning for something more challenging goes from a whisper to a deafening din.  (Ah, the old “deafening din” trick.  Topped only by the “deafening Gunga Din” trick, which was, of course, Kipling’s way of getting even with people for being called “Rudyard”.)

(How can We be so veddy, veddy cultured, and yet smell so much like spawning salmon, all at the same time?  Is puzzlement.)

It’s getting tired of being ignored!   (Sorry… did it say something?)

So do yourself a favor by checking out a few employment websites. (Good lord!  We slave and toil and type Our fingers to the bone for YouPeople, now you want We should get a job as well?!?)

Remind yourself that change is possible if you want it badly enough.  (But then remember that folding money is better.)

Education may be the missing link to getting what you want.  (We fail to see how any amount of education is going to help Us win PowerBall™.)

Be wary of the ‘send’ button today.  (Also, stay away from the ‘eject’ button if you happen to be in the BatMobile.)

You’ll want to review every word before you reply to anything.  (Damn skippy, Miss Nipply.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to recognize “skippy” as a word.  Presumably because choosy motherfuckers choose Jif™.  But still...nothin’ says ‘lovin’’ like somethin’ from the oven, but nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee™.)


A misguided noun (Whores!  Er…Horrors!)

(We were going to say, “See what We did there?”, but We’re pretty sure Ray Charles saw what We did there, and played the piano while Marcel Marceau sang a song about it.  Which was no mean feat, considering that they’re both dead.)

or adjective could mean disaster, so proofread, proofread, proofread (Genufleck, genufleck, genufleck.)

— and spell check. (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!)

(We have no idea.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.