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Sunday, March 17, 2013

When they begin the beguine




Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  SunDay FunDay, March 17, 2013.  Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to all of Our drunk readers.



Oh, Our dears!  We are so enormously behind!  (No, seriously…if you could see Our behind right now, you would see that it is enormous.  If We had (subjunctively) two nickels to rub together, We would hire Ourself a large gentleman with a wheelbarrow to cart Our enormous behind about (and attend to other duties as required). (For Our Gentle Readers who enjoy cunning linguistics, it occurs to Us that, in the sentence “We are so enormously behind”, “behind” sounds as though it might be the past tense of something.  That would, of course, require a definition of the verb “to behine”.  (It further occurs to Us that, elsewhere in this paragraph, “duties” might actually want to be “doodies”, thereby adding the further excitement (as if such a thing were (subjunctively) necessary) of a poop joke. (Meanwhile, is anyone else concerned that “behine” looks as though it should rhyme with “beguine”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))))



So, to catch up (catsup? ketchup?) on birthdays that We have missed, Happy Belated Birthday to Bethany, and Brian, and Stephen, each of whom turned twenty-four on Friday.  (Stephen is actually two different Stephens, but since they are both PH-Stephens who had birthdays on Friday, We only need to list them once.  (Although it now occurs to Us that one of the Stephens turned something less than twenty-four on his birthday, so We shall note that separately, because We are hep to the jive and know Young People.))  Happy Belated Birthday also to Ann, and Charlie, and Matt, each of whom turned twenty-four on Saturday, and none of whom is (to the best of Our knowledge) two separate people.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Amelia, Doug, and Matt, each of whom turns twenty-four today.



The reason We are so enormously behind (behined?) is that We have been having morning rehearsals, which We shall also be having several days this week.  Thus making Our behind exponentially enormous.  Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:






And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:





When they behinn the behine, 
It brings back The Sound Of Music with Plummer, 
It brings back a night of tropical hummers, 
It brings back Barbra singing “Evergreen”!



Kiss Us quick, We’re Cole Porter!



Speaking of behinning behinds, why don’t’cha all oil up Uranus and share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .



This just in: Our future ex-husband, Prince Harry, says he will consider going gay if his current (heterosexual) relationship doesn’t work out.  Who do We know who’s a hitman?



And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:



Speaking of Princes (or maybe just people We’d like to see in tights), today is also Rob Lowe’s birthday.  So there’s that.



You need to keep your communications short today (NOW she tells Us.)



— it’s just way too easy for you to get wrapped up in your message and find yourself going on and on.  (Hey, We avoided the poop joke earlier.)



Things should settle down soon, though.  (“Settle” is a peculiar word, innit?  No, seriously…look at it:  settle.  Settle settle settle settle settle settle.  See?)



Be careful about how you approach any kind of tense situation today, unless you want to get involved in arguments!   (We aren’t going to get involved in any arguments.  Also, you’re wrong, Kelli.)



(Heh.  See what We did there?)



Your urge to step in and help someone is admirable, but unwise. (We are the very model of a modern Major Admiral.)



(We have no idea where that came from.)



It is best to let other people handle their dramas, (Obama’s mama and the Dalai Lama.)




(Don’t’cha hate it when white people try to rap?)




even if you are somewhat involved.  (Somewhere on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, there must be a list of phrases that cannot be rapped.  We trust that, if it is not already there, someone is now adding “somewhat involved” to that list.)



Unless you started the fight, you can’t get involved in ending it. (We are fairly confident that that is completely untrue.  One might, for example, ask a grade school teacher.)



Surrounding yourself with peace and quiet is a much healthier and pleasant goal for this day.  (At the very least, it is certainly pleasanter than surrounding Oneself with peas and carrots.)



So if the fur starts flying, head for greener pastures.  (If the fur starts flying, can the pearls be far behind?)




(What?)




(Oh, yeah…We said “behind’ again.  Sorry.)




 A mix-up to your routine, combined with hot, flirty energy adds up to serious romantic potential today.  (What a sentence!  So many words, so little sense.)



You should find tons of new activities and people deserving of exploration   (Many activities AND people deserve exploration.  And yet, so few are worthy of spelunking.)




— so get out there!  (Wait…you want We should be more Out There than We already are?  Wow.  Also, yowza.)



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.