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Thursday, March 7, 2013

Call me a-hole

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Thursday, March 7, 2013.Happy Birthday to David, who turns twenty-four today in Greater Bostonia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Austin, who also turns twenty-four today in New Yawk.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Jay, who also also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Is it just Us, or do We seem to have more Pisces birthdays than anybody else?  Specifically, March Pisces.  Must be all those June honeymoons.  What with all the…rhyming, and all.

So We dragged Ourself out into the weather yesterday to go to Our student fillum audition.  We’ve never understood that song where they call the wind Maria (and mispronounce it), but yesterday, We called the wind “Bitch”.  Yes, with a capital “Bitch”.  Turns out, We already had the part, so it is unclear to Us why We had to schlep, but We will be reimbursed for the trip, so it’s all good.

Speaking of weather, today when We arose, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and here was not so much as a flake of this snow they’ve been hollering about all week.  Now, We are certainly not complaining, mind you (even though it  IS what We do best), but still…if you or We made THAT big of a mistake on Our job, We pretty much wouldn’t have a job anymore, right?  And yet We are willing to bet all those same plastic-haired grinning idiots will be right back on Our televisions today, serving up predictions of the next imaginary apocalypse.  Jeebus.

We have another jam-packed, fun-filled, cream-filled, fudge-packed day today, starting with Uncharted Waters rehearsal, followed by shooting the next Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Sliles to go before We meep, people.

People, people who meep people…


That was apparently Barbra Streisand as a Muppet.

No, We have no idea why.

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

In case the InterNetz have been closed where you are, here’s this:

Speaking of Carly Rae Jepsen and Trent Reznor’s lovechild, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise: .

So this dyslexic Jewish guy sez, “Yo!”…

Here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Bryan Cranston’s birthday.  Also, Wanda Sykes.  Now THERE’D be a lovechild!

You’ve got to center yourself today (Was that a fat joke?  Something about Our gravitational pull?  Don’t MAKE Us start in on Uranus!)

 — make sure that you’re where you really need to be!  (Also, that you are being all that you can be.  Also, be my, be my baby.  Be my little baby.)


It’s a good time for you to step back and get some perspective, (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em!)

so put low-priority projects on hold.  (Apparently, to many people, WE are a low-priority project.)

 Balancing your family evenly with your career is not always required — on days like today, it will be clear which one should take top priority. (We were gonna say “neither”.  Izzat wrong?)

You cannot let good opportunities pass you by.  (Oh, sure We can!)

When you have the chance to move forward at work, you have to grab it. (Aren’t there rules about grabbing things at work?)

Your family will understand.  (First the Johnny Depp restraining order, now a sexual harassment suit.  They’ll be thrilled.)

(What?  Don’t YOU wear a suit when you sexually harass people?)

After all, they want you to be happy and feel successful just as much as you do.  (Lettuce discuss the qualification of “FEEL successful”.  AssHat.)

Talk to them openly about what they could expect in the next few weeks.  (Well, there’ll be seven days per, and they’ll start on a Sunday and end up on a Saturday.  If you’re like the rest of Us, you won’t care for Mondays much.)

Get them prepared.  (We shall prepare them like a Boy Scout.  (Does anybody have a good recipe?))

They reply to one in six of your emails, and your phone calls consistently go to their voice mail.  (Who is, practically every man We know, Alex?)

It might be time to take the hint.  (Mm-hmm.  Except it’s so far past subtlety, it hardly qualifies as a hint anymore.)

You’re a fantastic person, (And yet, in a pinch, We will also drink Formula 409™ or Windex™.)

but this situation just wasn’t meant to be.  (Well, ta ever so for clearing that up.  Bitch.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.