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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It never rains in Southern California

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, March 12, 2013. Happy Birthday to Sean, whom We coincidentally just mentioned in these hallowed pages yesterday, and who turns twenty-four today in Sunny California.  Also, Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns not-quite-twenty-four today in Sunny Florida.

How izzit that We know people in Sunny California and Sunny Florida, and yet here We sit in the fucking rain?

Meanwhile, is anyone else feeling as lost without a Pope as We are?

Speaking of lost, it is very odd how one person actually doing what he said he would do only serves to point up all the other ones who aren’t.

And here, for a shocking change of pace, is some actual astrology:  Mars enters Aries today.  The Sun enters Aries on the 20th, and Venus enters Aries on the 21st.  Mercury goes direct on the 17th.  Translation: get the fuck out of Our way.

Kelli, of course, would never tell you any of these things.  We’re fairly certain she doesn’t even know what day it is.  Speaking of Not-Kelli, here is a horoscope We received today from Our new favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Madame Olivia:

Dear Aries, you don't need Madame Olivia to tell you what a little bundle of fabulosity you are, do you? You do?? Well, then you are a little bundle of fabulosity! Seriously, you have so many good qualities it's hard to know where to start, though Madame Olivia is struck by your deep understanding of the complexities of the world. Truly, the world is glad it has you.

See?  That is how it’s done.

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming (Sean, if you are still in here, click on this; Kathleen is in it.):

Speaking of little bundles of fabulosity, why don’t’cha all bundle up your fabulosity and share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends: .

Apropos of absolutely nothing, here is last year’s Pisces video, with the one and only Justin Bieber:

And now, for a total let-down, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Why do We only ever find things out at the last minute?  Happy Liza Minnelli’s birthday, everyone!

Your energy is better spent on community or team projects  (Much as there is no “I” in “team”, there is also no “I” in “asshole”.  There is, however, a big ol’ “U” in “Uranus”.)

— personal stuff just fizzles out if you start on it now.  (Fo’ shizzle mah nizzle.)

(What?  Bitch started it, by saying “fizzle”.)

That’s not to say you should give up on your dreams — just wait another day.  (So wait till tomorrow to give up on Our dreams?  Alrighty, then.)

It’s one of those days  (Innit just?  On the plus side, Our 10:30 rehearsal is at 2:30 today.  And on the plus SIZE, Our ass.)

you’ve been waiting for,  (You just told Us, We’re waiting for tomorrow, so We can give up on Our dreams.  And be a dreamless, rudderless boat.)

when it’s in your best interest to do as little as possible! (Well, at least that will play to Our strengths.)

 It’s not that you should give over all of your responsibilities to other people,  (Once We’ve given up Our dreams, We’ll give it all the fuck away; just watch Us.)

it’s just that you should give other people the opportunity to shine.  (Shiny people are annoying.)

You’re capable and everyone knows it.  (Actually, We don’t often wear caps.)

(That there was a little word play, for Our cunning linguistics fans.  You’re welcome.)

Now you should give someone else a chance to show the world what they can do. (Which, as near as We can tell, would be not much. )

 From presenting at a meeting to picking a restaurant for dinner, (Hell, We’d settle for answering an email or a text.)

let someone else do it all.  (Well, there’s a whole bunch of “all” that ain’t gettin’ done.)

They’ll thank you.  (Actually, We’re guessing they won’t.)

You may be independent, (We didn’t say We were independent.  We said We were in Depends™.)

but you’re also connected to everyone around you, so share the good times!  (Share them, or let them roll?  Decisions, decisions.)

Start out by letting people know you’re glad they’re close (So close, We’ll be tempted to stab them with a fork.)

— a social occasion is perfect. (A social disease, not so much.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.