The friendliest ghost you know

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadgeTheManicuristMonday,  November SebbenTeenst, 2014.

It’s all fun and games till you realize that Casper the Friendly Ghost is a dead child.

In case We’ve missed a vote somewhere along the line, We heartily disapprove of the weather.

Also, this just in:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-some-people-live-in-pennsylvania,34527/

As you can no doubt tell, We have almost nothing to report.  We trust that those of you who only read these e-pisstles at your workplace enjoyed having A Very Special Saturday E-dition waiting for you this morning.  We will be continuing the Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! CONTEST! found therein, as We have so far had only one (unsuccessful) entry:

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! CONTEST!

We frequently remark upon the fact that We have seen (what We think is) quite a number of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Gentle Readers nekkid.  However, in November to date, only ONE of the Gentle Readers to whom We have wished a Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday has displayed his (or her (well, okay, HIS)) birthday suit to Us.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to guess which one.

One guess per Gentle Reader, and the first correct answer wins a prize.

 (Also, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ?  )

We have precious little else to report (Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister.  (Else is her married name. (Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor with a  side of smut, you check out Our recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/11/go-go-go-joseph-gordon-levitt.html 

or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in the vicinity of here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html .

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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Okay, in keeping with Our ongoing Elih Tani’s naked Elih Tani penis theme, no fewer than THREE “web video stars” have birthdays today, according to Our “celebrity” birthday website.  We shall, in Our infinite wisdom, give a birthday shout-out to the cutest one, who is called Landon Romano. 

 Also, both RuPaul and Danny Devito were born today, thereby forcing Us to contemplate them as a couple.  As Our head (along with Rhea Perlman’s) has just exploded, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is A Reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back. Madame Olivia is happy to see you again.

Madame Olivia would like to remind you that all of us can make a tiny mistake once in a while, in one realm or another. The thing is, that though we might fret, the result can open a whole new way of thinking which can be tremendously positive. The takeaway? To enhance creativity, forget about perfection! Apply this insight as needed and watch what happens.

You know, little Aries, people seem to expect high energy and bombastics from you a lot of the time. What if you don't feel like putting out high energy and bombastics in a particular arena? What if you feel like kicking back and letting someone else do the spearheading? It's ok to hand the reins to someone else and take a time out. In fact it may be essential for you and incidentally for the good of all.

Word of the hour: connection

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacalManEatingManateeMonday, April 21^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Suzy, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Virginia.  (About which We seem to have no jokes.  (We have plenty of West Virginia jokes, in case you were considering moving for next year.))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Beck, Jasmine, Marilyn, Nancy, Nima, Sara, Steve, and Tim, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere in the universe sometime since Friday.

In today’s scandalous show business news, it has come to Our attention that someone has submitted Us, along with some two-hundred-odd other glittery specimens, to Who Should Be On RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7? (http://www.ranker.com/list/who-should-be-on-rupaul_s-drag-race-season-7-/dragaholicnews?page=3 )

We are hovering around the middle-to-lower end of the pack, which means We have about as much chance of turning up on television as We do of being mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway.  But We thought We should let you know, as it might amuse you.  And also because We’d really like to know how We got there. (No, we did not submit Our Own Self.)

Meanwhile, those of you who have been around Us personally since around the beginning of April or so may have noticed that We have been a wee tad flakier than usual. (Kiss Us quick, We’re a Frawnch pastry.  (Napoleon.  Napoleon Blownapart. (You DID say that just like “Bond. James Bond”, didn’t you?  ‘Cause, if not, We’ll wait while you go back.)))

Turns out, The Sainted Mother spent most of that time consorting with the medical community, who wanted to remove her gizzard.

Now, gizzardectomies are usually done on women in their forties, so imagine Our surprise to learn that The Sainted Mother, who is twenty-four (much like Our Own Self), was going to have one!  (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)

Turns out also, there are two different ways to do a gizzardectomy: an easy way, and a hard way.  It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows Us that, in Our family, We tend to do things the hard way.  Also, the doctors claimed they had to do it the hard way, because her gizzard was inflamed, and thus too large to come out the easy way. (Again, no surprise in Our family…We tend to get inflamed when people try to take stuff from Us. (We also, in Our family, tend to run to Large Organs…why, Our Great Uncle Mortimer once had a harmonium that was so large, it couldn’t be squeezed the whole way into his parlor.))

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us. (And We can only imagine how it would sound to Great-Uncle Mortimer.  (If the children hadn’t hidden his ear trumpet  again.)))

At any rate, The Sainted Mother has now given up her gizzard, and is recuperating comfortably at HerHouseWhereSheLives.  So We are back to being Our ever-vigilant Self, and won’t be distracted any time soo…oh, look, a balloon!

(How many of you are now picturing Great Uncle Mortimer with his ear trumpet?)

***********************************************************************

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Today’s celebrity birthdays are boring (Tony Danza?  Charlotte Bronte?), so here, courtesy of Doug, are yesterday’s: Happy birthday George Takei, Adolf Hitler, Crispin Glover and Columbine massacre.

In the interests of time management, in lieu of a call-and-response with the AssHatted Kelli, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia has a timely tip for you: a good model for communicating something difficult (like no or a refusal) is the oreo cookie: start with a chocolate positive; then deliver the dreaded no or whatever the hard-to-say creme thing is; and end with another chocolate positive. An example might be "It's great to hear from you. Unfortunately, all my waking hours are currently tied up with moving so I don't have time for a latte. But thank you for thinking of me!" Resist the urge to add "but let's do it soon" because that leaves the door open for a future invitation you'll have to deal with again. This really works.

Aries, this is a great time to let yourself be driven by your inner passions without restraint. Or guilt! If anybody has a problem with your moving forward, let such a one speak up. You can't always tailor your actions to suit your audience; sometimes you have to go for it. Like now.

Take care with a particular canine

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

(Heh.  "See you next time."  See what she did there?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Totally naked, baby, totally nude

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October 16^nd , 2013.   Our calendar wants Us to know that it is National Boss’s Day.  Of course, Our calendar is a Dilbert calendar, so We are pretty sure it is just fucking with Us.  Because when the fuck is it NOT fucking National Fucking Boss’s Day?

It appears, at least per SitOnMyFaceBook, to be the birthday of absolutely no one We know today, so We shall use this occasion to wish a Happy Belated Birthday to Catherine, who turned twenty-four a few days ago.  We have a calendar (other than the aforementioned Dilbert one) that has such information in it, but these days, We rely almost exclusively on SitOnMyFaceBook as Our source of birthday information, so since Catherine’s birthday didn’t SitOnOurFace, it slipped through the cracks.

(We only made that sound dirty to ensure that you were paying attention.)

Absence of birthdays aside, it is a very special day here at OurHouseWhereWeLive…they have finally paved War-Torn Warnock Street!  Which means We can begin the countdown to the next appearance of the jackhammerers with their jackhammers…

In other news, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week continues apace, and continues to include, presumably, Picturing Peter’s Pubic Hair, unless there’s been some sort of bizarre manscaping incident. We did in fact ask Peter for his nom de pubes, so We could report back to Our Gentle Readers, but We as yet have had no word on what, if anything, Peter has named his pubic hair. More on this story as it (ahem) develops.

It occurs to Us that, unlike the previous Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, in which We have previously peeped at the penii at hand (as it were), Picturing Peter’s Peter Week is a completely different exercise, involving, as it does, one hundred percent imagination, and absolutely zero sense memory.  So if Allen or Kevin, say, were (subjunctively) to sext Us (as the kidz say) a private parts picture, per se, (“per se” didn’t really make sense there, but We were waxing poetic (although perhaps We shouldn’t say “waxing” so close to Allen and Kevin’s private parts)), those would be previously peeped penis pixtures, whereas (seriously?  How literate are We?) if Peter sexted Us a private peter picture, that would be a Peter’s penis picture premiere.

Meanwhile, lest you three gentlemen think this is all just random fun at your expense, the first one of you to send Us a private parts pixture (via phone, email, or SitOnMyFaceBook message) will receive a prize via return mail.  (And no, by “prize”, We do NOT mean a pixture of Our Own private parts.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Maybe it’s just Us, but We’re pretty sure there should be a rule that Suzanne Somers cannot have been born on Angela Lansbury’s birthday.

This is not a good time to take on new plans or projects (How about new private parts pixtures?)

— even a first date should be rescheduled, if possible!  (What is this “first date” of which you speak?)

You just need to focus on the past, and that’s not conducive to novelty.  (Okay, what the fuck does that even MEAN?)

 It’s time to give that horse one last lash and let it rest in peace. (Mmm-hmm.  YOU try to put false eyelashes on a horse, and see how “peaceful” things are.)

(“False eyelashes on a horse”…that could lend a whole new dimension to Ru Paul’s Drag Race…)

 At this particular moment in time, it will be far easier to get mad and stay that way than to forgive and forget; but that doesn’t mean it’s the best thing to do.  (We have refrained all week from complaining about all the people who clearly think they are More Equal than We are, and all the people who not only neglected to turn up for Our show, but also neglected to even so much as say why they wouldn’t be there, to say nothing of continuing to bombard Us the whole time with messages to come see THEM perform somewhere (since THEY are so much More Equal, you see).  So don’t think you’re going to get Us to start complaining now.)

(Oooops.)

In fact, if you’re really still interested in keeping things together between you and the person you’ve been feuding with, why not lay all your cards out on the table, be totally honest and get the problem solved once and for all?  (Because, based on how things have been going lately, if We lay all Our cards on the table, they will likely pick up all Our cards and make off with them.)

As usual, you feel the need to be on the go. (Thanks, Fiber One™.)

Now is the time to enjoy pure stillness.

(It is impossible to type when One is purely still.  Just sayin’.)

Find a safe, quiet space and just listen to your mental ramblings. (“Mental ramblings”?  “MENTAL RAMBLINGS”?!? )

You could find the answer to something that’s been bugging you.  (Allen, Kevin, or Peter…who will be the first to send Us a private parts pixture?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.