No, you’re a very special girl, June. (April.) April. (Thank you.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManNipsMonday, April 1th, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Don, who turns twenty-four today.   Also, Happy Birthday to Peter, who also turns twenty-four today.  (It occurs to Us that We do a great deal of “Happy Birthday” wishing, and yet We almost never get cake. (Which reminds Us, naturally, of the Marie Antoinette quote, “If We let you eat any more damn cake, Uranus will eclipse the sun.”))

As you can see, We are kicking off this brand spanking (heh) new month with a fevered burst of classiness the likes of which Our Gentle Readers have rarely seen before.  Because Our ass is NOTHING if not classy, yes?  (Well, gassy also, but lettuce try to stay on point.)  How many OTHER Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s do you know who tell Marie Antoinette jokes?

(If you’re very, very good (to digress for just a moment), We shall tell you Our famous Marie Antoinette knock-knock joke, which is the only joke in the history of comedy to feature Marie Antoinette’s knockers. (One of which was substantially larger than the other.  True historical fact.))

But enough of this levity and frivolity.  We have so very much to Cher with you all, and so little time in which to Cher it. (Does seeing “Cher it” like that make anyone else think of Cheez-Its™?  Because mmmmmm…Cheez-Its™.)

First and Formosa, We were at rehearsal for Our murder mystery on Saturday when the most amazing thing happened.  We cannot Cher all the details or name any names, as all of the ink is not dry yet, but one of Our  castmates has a connection to A Very Well-Known Indie Director who is going to be turning Our little murder mystery into an indie fillum!  With Us in it!  Stay tuned to this space for further developments.

Seconal, as if that weren’t (subjunctively) all exciting enough, We were wending Our way home after rehearsal when We were accosted by a dulcet baritone echoing from an emerald green Alfa Romeo, asking for directions to Our favorite Souf Philly restaurant.  Faster than you can say, “Like a good neighbor, Funny Farm is there”, We were ensconced in the passenger seat of said Alfa Romeo to personally direct the owner of said dulcet baritone (and said Alfa Romeo) to said restaurant.  As We were parking at same, his plans were cancelled, and We were invited to have dinner with him.

To make a long story short (too late), We are only writing this e-pisstle now because he had to leave this morning to chair a board meeting at his company.

Did We mention that he looks exactly like Cillian Murphy?

Thurgood Marshall the Third, while Cillian was taking an emergency conference call with Tokyo yesterday, We discovered that We had finally won PowerBall™. Oh, not the big prize, of course; only five hundred thousand.  Which will only be a quarter of a million after taxes.  But still…enough to demonstrate that We are not sticking with Our new beau (Our new Boo?) just for the bucks.

Speaking of basking in the afterglow,  here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, thus enabling Us to win The Best Video On YouTube Award:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get better than they are already, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, The Lovely And Talented Michael Long was born today.  Or at least that’s what SitOnOurFacebook told Us.  Last year, anyway.  Perhaps, if Cillian has to work late at the office, We shall jump out of Michael’s cake later.  Or into it.  One of those.

You are feeling good about your place in the world (Are there place cards for Our place?  These are the things We’ll need to be worrying about in Our Whole New World.  Where is Amy Vanderbilt when One needs her? (Meanwhile, if Amy Vanderbilt married James van der Beek she’d be Amy Vanderbilt van der Beek.  (And he’d be really grossed out, because she’s been dead for almost thirty years.)))

(Vanderbilt…van der Beek…Vanderbilt…van der BAH-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha…)

(Sorry.)

— or, if somehow you feel out of sorts, you see a solution immediately available. (One could always sort out how out of sorts One feels.)

(Okay, THAT song virtually writes itself.)

 Indulge your cultural instincts to get things going quickly!  (Have a bran muffin!)

You’re entering a vibrant time in your life, (You can say whatever you like, it’s still menopause.)

which means it’s a great time to begin exploring a new hobby, interest or career opportunity.  (Which part of “Cillian Murphy” did you not hear Us say?)

Your brain is open wide  (Indeed so.  We’re like the Reach™ toothbrush guy over here.)

to new ideas and new ways of doing things, (We’ve tidied up Our point of view, We got a new pair of shoes!)

and it’s ready to put in the practice or research required for you to excel.  (Ugh.  If We never have to look at Excel again, it will be too soon.)

Stepping out of your comfort zone is usually a bit scary for you, (What if your comfort zone makes you uncomfortable?)

but today it will feel downright invigorating to go where you’ve never been, see something you’ve never seen, and taste something you’ve never tasted.  (Is it just Us, or is that just downright dirty?)

Trying something new (Or nude.)

— and encountering some fresh blood while you’re at it (So We’re in a vampire movie now?)

— is definitely favored through most of the day. (But how is it flavored?)

Tonight, though, you should take some time for yourself and get grounded.  (We are a grown woman…who exactly is going to ground Us?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I don’t want to wait for Our lives to be over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, March 08, 2013.  Happy International Women’s Day to all of Our International Women readers.  We hope you are enjoying some lovely General Foods™ International Coffee at the International House of Pancakes™ while you peruse an International Male™ catalog.  (Does this holiday discriminate against women who have never left their home country?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Also, while it is perfectly possible to have a Miss World™ pageant, where does One get the presumption to have a Miss Universe™ pageant?  (“International Male™ catalog”  made Us think of swimsuits, which made Us think of swimsuit competitions, so here is a picture of Kevin Bacon in a Speedo™:

))

If Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations) are a bit (further) off the mark today, it is because We be illin’.  You see, yesterday Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video director asked Us if We were getting sick, to which We replied, “No”.  It being clearly, as One can see from the weather shenanigantics, Opposite Week, We were immediately stricken down with what We can only assume is a soap opera malady.  (We’re fairly certain We had amnesia once as well, but We don’t remember much about it.) We shall probably be dead by next Friday’s e-pissode, but YouPeople will never notice, as We shall be replaced by Our Evil Twin.

Now, of course, when you should all be off dialing 1-800-FLOWERS™ to send Us get-well baskets (see Kevin Bacon’s Speedo™, above), all you can do is sit there and say, “Wait…this is the GOOD twin?”

Thanks.

Here is a picture of a get-well basket:

Hey, We’re dying here. Cut Us some slack.

In other news, today is the last day of Our drinking Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s asshole tea instead of coffee.  (If you were absent the day We explained that, please go back your own self and find the reference.  It was ten calendar days ago, but We really cannot be arsed to do it for you.)  We had been drinking Our Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s asshole tea iced, but today, because We are sick, We are drinking it hot.  As We sit by the phone waiting for Lipton’s™ to call and invite Us to join their Product Naming Division.

Meanwhile, nice weather We’re having, eh?  We don’t give a shit how much damn unpredicted snow falls, We’re not shoveling it, because they are predicting 57 degrees and sunny for tomorrow, and We are just sick enough to believe them.

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/

Speaking of Opposite Day, why don’t’cha all do something different and share  Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Here are the HorrorScopes:

Well, no wonder We are under the weather.  It is James van der Beek’s birthday, and We have not been invited to join in the festivities.  (FYI There is a gay porn fillum called Dawson’s Crack.  We felt you needed to know that.)

Here is the rearview of that get-well basket:

You new ideas are your best yet  (What gave you that idea?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(No?  Us neither.)

— so make sure that you’re talking them up throughout the day!  (To the best of Our knowledge, We shall be talking to no one today.  We still have a fillum shoot tomorrow. And We must, at some point, learn the fifty-six words of dialog We need to know.  (Yes, We said “words”, not “lines”, or “pages”.  Becoming an overnight success apparently takes a really long time.  (On the plus side, some very clever director will no doubt be able to rearrange said fifty-six words as uttered by Us on celluloid into a stunning message from beyond the grave to be delivered sometime after Our demise on next Friday’s e-pissode.  Naturally, that will have to wait until Our evil twin is unmasked.)))

(Vacation time shares in (what passes for) Our mind are still available between now and Memorial Day.)

Of course, you need to get to work at some point, but it may be better for now to gin up support.  (Wait…since when is “gin” a verb?  Does that make “martini” a verb as well?  What if people start to confuse it with “watusi”?)

Why are you doubting other people’s truthfulness right now?  (Because they are lying liars who lie?)

When they say they will be there to help you, they will be!  (Great!  Please vacuum Our sinuses, Pronto.)

(Pronto is capitalized because he is Our new sidekick.  Much like the Lone Ranger’s Tonto.  Or the Green Hornet’s Kato.  Or Batman’s Dildo.)

(We told you, We’re sick.)

A new person on the scene might want to share the spotlight with you, but they have no intention of stealing it all from you — so just relax and show this person you welcome them on the scene.  (Yes, We shall be meeting new people on the set of Our fillum.  People just LOVE meeting Typhoid Mary.)

So, you like this person, but what’s their story?  (It’s the story of a man named Brady, who was “busy” with three boys of his own… (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.))

Use your favorite search engine to check them out — subtly of course.   (“SuBtly”  is Our middle name.)

Better to know whether this person’s an ax murder before it goes any further, unless, of course, you like ax murderers! (In the grand scheme of things, by the time One finds out that someone is an ax murderer,  wouldn’t whether One likes them or not be a moot point?  (Unless, of course, they were on, say, What[‘s My Line? Arlene Francis: “Are you in show business?” Ax murderer:  “No, I’m an ax murderer.”))

(Did We just make an Arlene Francis joke?  Perhaps We should go back to bed…)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I don't want to wait for my life to be over

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManHoleMonday, August 27, 2012. Naturally, the question on everyone’s mind is, when Tuesday Weld’s birthday falls on a Monday, does the poor dear get confused?

Speaking of confused, We found Our geriatric self in a dream last night in an e-pissode of Glee.  Mister Shue (for those who follow along) wanted to have a heart-to-heart with Dawson (yes, of Dawson’s Creek fame (which, apropos of nothing, inspired the gay porn fillum, Dawson’s Crack)).  So there We were, attempting to engineer a conversation between a reluctant James van der Beek and his fivehead, and a teacher who is, no doubt, younger than he is. (We just verified Our facts.  Because that’s how We do. JvdB is, in fact a year older.)  Naturally, We went into the men’s room.  Dawson went into a stall, We went into the stall on the right, and Mister Shue went into the stall on the left.  We have no idea how this was meant to facilitate conversation, but in a moment, Dawson came through the door between Our two stalls (!) and left though the entry door.  Mister Shue was deeply disappointed.

The key thing to note about this dream, for long–term non-naked-skimmer readers who pay attention, is that there were not even toilets in these stalls, and the usual filth, poop, and general disgustingness of Our usual recurring ret room drams was conspicuously absent.

Thank you, James van der Beek.

And now, as We have other fish to fry (more on that story later), here is an encore presentation of an e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope from last year at this time, when We were apparently also awaiting the arrival of a hurricane:

The rain may never fall till after sundown

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Flighty, August 26, 2011. (Not very inspired, We are well aware. And yet, if you squint at it just right, a sort of minimalist Chinaman joke. Because not everything can be a pie fight.)

 

We are going to make a sincere effort to avoid The H Word in today’s horoscope, as We are quite sure that you, as We, are completely H-Worded out, and the H hasn’t even arrived yet. We have already received word that the supermarkets are overrun with people purchasing milk, eggs, white bread, and toilet paper. Apparently, Hs are much like blizzards, in that they cause you to crave French toast and then shit a lot. We Our Own Self Personally will be out shopping today (in the glorious sunshine, We might add) for a pair of white gloves and a tasteful pair of light-colored pumps. We don’t expect to be battling crowds. Inclement weather doesn’t seem to make people feel like dressing up for High Tea.

 

Speaking of costumes, you wish YOUR life were (subjunctively) so interesting as to cause YOU to send out emails saying, “That dress needs to be hemmed up at least six inches to be slutty enough.”

 

In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Miss Iris and her friends will be frutting and stretting just one week from today: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

 

Meanwhile, as the calm before the H continues apace, doesn’t this angel have skin like, well, an angel?

 

 

 

In other news, from several paragraphs back, We are thinking that ShitALot should be a character in something. Or possibly Sir ShitALot. One can almost hear Richard Burton declaiming, “ShitALot…ShitALot…I know it sounds a bit bizarre…but in ShitALot….ShitALot…that’s just the way shit are…”

 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid Of Judith Krantz? Or, the HorrorScope:

 

You need to deal with something rather big today — and rather urgent! (Ordinarily, this would be a place for a penis joke. However, you just KNOW Bee-Yotch is talkin’ ‘bout da weather.)

 

The good news is that (Once the power goes out, We won’t be able to hear any bad news?)

 

you’ve got more than enough energy to handle it all and then start an impromptu party to celebrate. (That’s gonna be one lonely party.)

 

Being diplomatic is nice … (and being nice is diplomatic. Also, this sentence is stupid, you ignorant asshatted twat.)

 

but being in control is more effective. (And what exactly is to prevent One from being all four of those things?)

 

Don’t let your urge to be liked dominate your actions today. (As We shall most likely be alone for the next three days, We are thinking that being liked will be relatively low on Our priority list.)

 

Being a team player doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your intelligence and critical thinking. (Because, after all, there is no ”I” in “team”. There is also no “I” in “asshole”; that’s all “U”.)

 

Your self-esteem will be well served if you speak your mind, so start talking. (If We talk to Ourself, do We have to listen?)

 

There might be an intimidation factor if you’re surrounded by powerful people, but don’t let that get to you. (But if it doesn’t get to Us, then it’s not really an intimidation factor, now, izzit?)

 

Smart people admire other smart people who aren’t afraid to share controversial ideas. (Sometimes, on the other hand, they admire stupid people who put out.)

 

You’re on the move. (Also in the groove. And Catherine Deneuve.)

 

You’re making progress. (Also, We’re making hay while the sun shines. Now could somebody remind Us what the fuck We wanted all this hay for?)

 

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

 

if your family and friends question your decisions. (Let them first walk a mile in Our tasteful light-colored pumps. Then, if they question Us, they’ll be a mile away, and We won’t hear them.)

 

If they really pry, remember — it’s really none of their business. (And yet, telling people that never seems to stop them.)

 

Your intuition will give you the truth. (We can’t handle the truth.)

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.