Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s
Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManHoleMonday, August 27, 2012. Naturally, the
question on everyone’s mind is, when Tuesday Weld’s birthday falls on a Monday,
does the poor dear get confused?
Speaking of confused, We found Our geriatric
self in a dream last night in an e-pissode of Glee. Mister Shue (for those
who follow along) wanted to have a heart-to-heart with Dawson (yes, of Dawson’s Creek fame (which, apropos of
nothing, inspired the gay porn fillum, Dawson’s
Crack)). So there We were,
attempting to engineer a conversation between a reluctant James van der Beek
and his fivehead, and a teacher who is, no doubt, younger than he is. (We just
verified Our facts. Because that’s how
We do. JvdB is, in fact a year older.)
Naturally, We went into the men’s room.
Dawson went into a stall, We went into the stall on the right, and
Mister Shue went into the stall on the left.
We have no idea how this was meant to facilitate conversation, but in a
moment, Dawson came through the door between Our two stalls (!) and left though
the entry door. Mister Shue was deeply
disappointed.
The key thing to note about this dream, for
long–term non-naked-skimmer readers who pay attention, is that there were not
even toilets in these stalls, and the usual filth, poop, and general
disgustingness of Our usual recurring ret room drams was conspicuously absent.
Thank you, James van der Beek.
And now, as We have other fish to fry (more on
that story later), here is an encore presentation of an e-pissode of Erix Daily
Horoscope from last year at this time, when We were apparently also awaiting
the arrival of a hurricane:
The rain may never fall till after sundown
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily
Horoscope for Flighty, August 26, 2011. (Not very inspired, We are well aware.
And yet, if you squint at it just right, a sort of minimalist Chinaman joke.
Because not everything can be a pie fight.)
We are going to make a sincere effort to avoid The H
Word in today’s horoscope, as We are quite sure that you, as We, are completely
H-Worded out, and the H hasn’t even arrived yet. We have already received word
that the supermarkets are overrun with people purchasing milk, eggs, white
bread, and toilet paper. Apparently, Hs are much like blizzards, in that they
cause you to crave French toast and then shit a lot. We Our Own Self Personally
will be out shopping today (in the glorious sunshine, We might add) for a pair
of white gloves and a tasteful pair of light-colored pumps. We don’t expect to
be battling crowds. Inclement weather doesn’t seem to make people feel like dressing
up for High Tea.
Speaking of costumes, you wish YOUR life were
(subjunctively) so interesting as to cause YOU to send out emails saying, “That
dress needs to be hemmed up at least six inches to be slutty enough.”
In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Miss Iris and her friends will be frutting and
stretting just one week from today: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622
Meanwhile, as the calm before the H continues apace,
doesn’t this angel have skin like, well, an angel?
In other news, from several paragraphs back, We are
thinking that ShitALot should be a character in something. Or possibly Sir
ShitALot. One can almost hear Richard Burton declaiming, “ShitALot…ShitALot…I
know it sounds a bit bizarre…but in ShitALot….ShitALot…that’s just the way shit
are…”
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:
Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid Of Judith Krantz? Or, the HorrorScope:
You need to deal with
something rather big today — and rather urgent! (Ordinarily, this would be a
place for a penis joke. However, you just KNOW Bee-Yotch is talkin’ ‘bout da
weather.)
The good news is that
(Once the power goes out, We won’t be able to hear any bad news?)
you’ve got more than
enough energy to handle it all and then start an impromptu party to celebrate. (That’s
gonna be one lonely party.)
Being diplomatic is
nice … (and being nice is diplomatic. Also, this sentence is stupid, you
ignorant asshatted twat.)
but being in control
is more effective. (And what exactly is to prevent One from being all four of
those things?)
Don’t let your urge to
be liked dominate your actions today. (As We shall most likely be alone for the
next three days, We are thinking that being liked will be relatively low on Our
priority list.)
Being a team player
doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your intelligence and critical thinking.
(Because, after all, there is no ”I” in “team”. There is also no “I” in
“asshole”; that’s all “U”.)
Your self-esteem will
be well served if you speak your mind, so start talking. (If We talk to Ourself,
do We have to listen?)
There might be an
intimidation factor if you’re surrounded by powerful people, but don’t let that
get to you. (But if it doesn’t get to Us, then it’s not really an intimidation
factor, now, izzit?)
Smart people admire other
smart people who aren’t afraid to share controversial ideas. (Sometimes, on the
other hand, they admire stupid people who put out.)
You’re on the move.
(Also in the groove. And Catherine Deneuve.)
You’re making
progress. (Also, We’re making hay while the sun shines. Now could somebody
remind Us what the fuck We wanted all this hay for?)
Don’t be surprised
(SURPRISE!!!)
if your family and
friends question your decisions. (Let them first walk a mile in Our tasteful
light-colored pumps. Then, if they question Us, they’ll be a mile away, and We
won’t hear them.)
If they really pry,
remember — it’s really none of their business. (And yet, telling people that
never seems to stop them.)
Your intuition will give
you the truth. (We can’t handle the truth.)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling
show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the
daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At
sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s
Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the
dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and
Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered
a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in
ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of
Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that
Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs
allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William
and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.
Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That
Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local
SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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