A whore new world

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, August 23, 2012.  We do so hate to interrupt your Shelley Long birthday festivities, but We are tickled so pink We could just burst!  (You’re not picturing that now, are you?  Especially the pink parts…)  After an entire summer of reruns (just like, come to think of it, back when there used to be only three networks (or four, if you count DuMont (no, We are not old enough to remember the DuMont network.  Also, shut up))), We managed to drag (heh) Our Capricornian cameraman away from the lemur bondage-and-discipline porn (have you ever tried to discipline a lemur?  Those movies are LOOOONNNGGGG!) long enough to whip up (again, heh) a lean, mean episode Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope just in time for Virgo.

The e-pissode is above for your viewing pleasure, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY

Here is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Speaking of Our pink parts (We KNOW you’ve been picturing them all this time), We could tell you what We were doing last night, but then We’d have to kill you.  Himself, meanwhile, was having a photo shoot.  You all should be hearing the reason why and seeing the results in about a week.  Poor thing, trying to be all glamorous and sexy while some str8 boi took his picture.  Could someone please tell him that if he keeps hanging out with str8 bois, he will never get laid?

(Parenthetically (hence…well, you know), if Hurricane Isaac were (subjunctively) hurtling towards the DEMOCRATIC National Convention, how much insane rhetoric would We be hearing about The Wrath Of God, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, etc., etc. from those hypocritical puffed-up pseudo-Christians in the Repugnantcan Party?   What exactly is your God saying now, you ignorant assholian fucktards?)

Meanwhile, in other news, even though We did not publish an e-pissode yesterday, We got an insane number of hits, due to Our journalistic integrity, which forces Us not to shy away from printing the occasional inflammatory phrase, such as “Prince Harry naked”.   Because of Our bravery in printing phrases such as “Prince Harry naked”, following the news out of Las Vegas, We yesterday almost tripled Our usual hit count, most especially for this particular e-pissode http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html which, while it does not feature Prince Harry naked, does contain a lovely picture of Prince William in a Speedo™. Ah, WorldWideInterWebNetzian fame!  Would that fortune were not far behind.

“Prince Harry’s behind.”  (Oh, come on…you were thinking it too.)

In still other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing A Very Special Preview Performance of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, tonight at 7:30 at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event has more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

The contestants for this performance will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows:

Darryl Charles (ComedySportz)

Jeff Soles (Wawapalooza 6)

Steve Mclean (Fringe Wraiths)

Jefrey Wilkerson (I Hate Monologues)

Viva La Fringe!

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Listen up!  (How dare you speak to Us that way?  Don’t you know who We think We are?)

Someone close is trying to tell you something, (Sorry…did you say something?)

and if you show them basic respect, (Respect being, of course, the new black.)

you should get quite a bit more than that back in return. (Well, you know what They say:  you lie down with str8 bois, you get up with babies.  (Why do They keep talking, when They don’t make any sense?))

Keep close and enjoy the ride!  (There’s a ride?)

 You’re stuck with a classic dilemma today  (Paper or plastic?)

— you want to do one thing, and the person you’re with wants to do something else.  (And if that’s not the Hokey-Pokey, We don’t know WHAT it’s all about.)

(What?)

If this conflict is happening in a business context, it’s best for you to just let hierarchy determine what happens next. (Well, if We’re going by hierarchy, Prince William’s Speedo™ trumps Prince Harry’s behind. But We all know THAT ain’t right.)

But if this conflict is in a personal relationship, you need to try to put off your own preferences right now. (We’re pretty sure We prefer Prince Harry naked.)

(Is it possible, d’you think, for one e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope to cause a power outage at Google?)

Bend to their wishes, (Oh, see, now…)

and your concession will go a very long way toward proving to them that you value time with them more than you value the activity itself.  (To say nothing of Our concession stand.  Goobers™.  Raisinettes™.  And whatnot.)

 Lately you’ve spent lots of time loafing around, but over the next few days, your stamina increases tenfold.  (Seriously?  Oh, well…maybe Harry and William have some princely friends…)

So whether you’re gunning for a marathon session in the sack (Well, THAT was suBtle.)

or looking to maximize your reps, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

now’s a great opportunity to go for the gusto! (Alternatively, go for the gaucho with the gazpacho!  (We have no idea what it means, but it sounds so much more interesting.))

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.