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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Let’s get physical, physical

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  WinesDay, August 15, 2012.  Happy Julia Child’s 100th Birthday!  Bon appétit!  We feel as though We should eat something in her honor.  Possibly on toast points.  Although, as it is also Hump Day, mayhaps We should hump something in her honor.  Decisions, decisions.

While We were attempting to decide what or whom to eat or hump, We just went off and had a ginormous poop.  We felt you needed to know that.  You’re welcome.

Said poop was so epic that it caused Us to think up a saying, which We are fairly certain, per some Googling on Wikipedia, is original:  “He is so full of shit, he could use a second asshole”.  Coincidentally, Mitt Romney has chosen a running mate.

Meanwhile, We still have nothing to report.  As you may have inferred from all the poop talk. And, try though We may, We cannot figure a way to work the word “scuttlebutt” into this sentence. (In addition to the obvious scatological pun, that last bit contained some existential humor for Our Zen Buddhist readers. (That sound you are hearing?  Is the sound of one hand clapping. ( Erasers.)))

We are, however, looking forward to a jam-packed, fun-filled, fudge-packed, jam-filled weekend.  We have the last two days of shooting on Our student fillum on Friday and Saturday, and then We play The Match Game  on Sunday.  Speaking of The Match Game,  We had a nightmare about it last night.  In fact, We had a series of very distinct nightmares, one after the other, with a few minutes of wakefulness in between.  It was like watching NBC’s Must-See TV back in the 90s.  (Is NBC still on the air?  Anybody?  Beuller?)

And here is Our new-and-improved The Match Game blurb:

Everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here and here and tickets are available here: 
The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows:
John D'Alonzo (Ivona, Princess of Burgundia)
Kristin Finger (ComedySportz)
Bill McKinlay ( Alphabet Plays)
Greg Nix (Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die)
Sarah Schol (Raw Stitch)
Paul Triggiani (Grimacchio Variety Hour)

Darryl Charles (ComedySportz)
Jeff Soles (Wawapalooza 6)
Steve Mclean (Fringe Wraiths)
Jefrey Wilkerson (I Hate Monologues)

Viva La Fringe!

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Sorry, everybody else whose birthday is today, but Julia Child’s 100th trumps your ass.  Ben Affleck…is he even still a thing?  Rose Marie…dead?  Alive?  Who knows?  Who cares?  Joe Jonas…who?  (That last bit was unfair.  We are aware that the age of Our Gentle Readers skews a bit older than the general populace, so, for those who don’t follow pop culture and boi bandz, We shall explain to you that Joe Jonas is the Hanson brother who used to be in Menudo, but is now in One Direction, which is the group from the all-boys school that Kurt went to briefly last season on Glee. You’re welcome.)

You are the instigator today, (Okay, now We want Our very Own TV show entitled The Instigator.  But NOT on NBC.  Because nobody knows if they’re still on or not.)

even if that just means you’re stirring up the muck in your family. (Or the fuck in your mamily.  One of those.)

That can be a really good thing, though it may be pretty dicey at first. (“Dicey” is an odd word, no?  Just a letter away from “dickey”, and yet not at all the same.  Not to mention “dykey”…)

Try your best to keep it civil!  (Like the war?)

Try to fit more physical activity into this day. (Did We mention We RAN last weekend?  God alone knows what The Young People will make Us do THIS weekend.)

Take the stairs, park at the far end of the lot, or maybe just dance around the kitchen. (We shall watusi.)

(Now THERE’S a sentence ya don’t see every day.)

Getting your blood pumping will serve as a great outlet for all the energy that you might not know what to do with. (Yeah, well, We’re gonna need to find an energy INLET first.)

Getting active with your body (Lemme hear your body talk, your body talk…Our body says, “Fuck you!”)

(A little Olivia Newton-John humor by way of Bette Midler. (Gay, dear? Who, dear? Us, dear?  No, dear.))

also encourages you to get active in your brain. (And We certainly need more of THAT.)

And who knows? (The Shadow?)

(We would just like to state, for the record, that We are NOT old enough to actually remember The Shadow, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

 That extra half hour in your workout could stir up a bevy of new ideas (We are fairly certain that “bevy” is not the correct collective noun for “ideas”.  We have no idea (heh), however, what is.)

in your mind and give you a strong sense of possibility.  (As opposed, of course to a strong sense of possumbility, which alerts One to One’s proximity to a possum.)

The past exists to teach us lessons so that we avoid pitfalls in the present and create a better future. (Actually, the past exists because it’s happened already.  Dumbass.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that, even though it recognizes “Dumbass” as a word, “Dumbass.” is a sentence fragment.  Thank you, Micro$oft Weird™.  Dumbass.)

So it’s perfectly fine to be reflective today about relationship ghosts.  (Especially if you’re Mrs. Muir.  (Shaddup!))

Just don’t dwell on Memory Lane for too long. (What about Wisteria Lane?)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.