Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, August 14, 2012. We do so desperately hope that today’s e-pissode won’t be a letdown after yesterday’s epic tale of Our weekend cinematic adventures. Unfortunately, We haven’t made any fillums since last We spoke. (Although terrifying pixtures from the set have appeared on SItOnOurFaceBook. (But you never heard it from Us.))
In other news, speaking of Our fillum, it appears they have mislaid (heh) the actor who was to have played Our wife in this Saturday’s shoot. So if you are within the sound of Our voice, and are a woman appropriate to be Our wife (and when didja ever think you’d hear THAT?) as well as the mother of the four-year-old Spawn Of Satan they are passing off as Our son, and are available for an all-day shoot this Saturday, shoot Us a message and We shall hook you up with The Young People.
Meanwhile, remember how We said yesterday that, completely randomly, We were craving macaroni and cheese? Homemade, not out of the little blue box? Well, We made Ourselves a batch of homemade macaroni and cheese. Turns out, what We were actually craving? Was the stuff in the little blue box. Sigh.
See? Total letdown.
Although Jill (hi, Jill!) just informed Us via Twatter that August? Is National Goat Cheese Month.
On second thought, We don’t think that helps.
How about the thirty-seventh anniversary of the release of The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Meat Loaf again?
In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage. SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here:
The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows. For example, on the 19th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.
We give up.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
It’s not even anybody scintillating’s birthday today. Well, okay, Susan Saint James. But besides that…
You feel like moving backward — and there’s nothing wrong with that! (That depends entirely on who’s back there.)
It’s a good time for you to head homeward, even if that’s just a hazy metaphor. (On a related note, Maizie Heffator was Our drag name in high school. (Although it was never clear what gender We were in drag as.))
(What? Try to keep up.)
Play it safe and find a new way to live. (That would seem to be an either/or proposition. (Although One should never use a proposition to end a sentence with.))
Things that used to be difficult for you are getting a lot easier (And vice versa. Also, Virna Lisi. And Vaseline™ petroleum jelly.)
(Oh, shut up.)
— like letting go of the people who are not good for you. (This assumes…thereby inserting a Vaseline™d Virna Lisi into Uma Thurman’s anus…that We KNOW what’s good for Us.)
(We’ll pause here while We wait for Our str8 boi readers to get past that Vaseline™ imagery.)
Today, you will find it effortless to turn away from the dramatically unhealthy people in your life — and not ever look back again, no matter what the consequences. (The effort involved I reading that sentence alone ensures that it will be far from effortless.)
If you are negotiating among friends, don’t try to anticipate how other people will react. (Riiiight…just let it be a surprise. ‘Cause THAT sounds like a good idea.)
Just focus on you and that other person. (Which one? Virna Lisi or Uma Thurman?)
(Ooops…We lost the str8 bois again.)
What other people think is not important at all. (And WHETHER other people think is entirely debatable.)
Your commitment to loved ones makes your life beautiful (And Our life is nothing if not beautiful.)
— and provides you with opportunities for romance in more ways than one! (Kinky!)
All that affection that you pour upon your dear ones comes back to you a hundredfold. (“Pour”? Seriously?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.