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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

You’re out of the woods, you’re out of the dark, you’re out of the night

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Tuesday Weld (And What Would Possess Anyone To Name A  Child “Tuesday” Anyway? (Although It Certainly Beats “Mitochondria”, “Pneumonia”, Or “Saliva”)), August 7rd, 2012.

It occurs to Us that We never told you that We actually got that student film gig that We didn’t think We had gotten. We shall be shooting for the next two weekends.  Early in the morning, and out of doors, so expect Our complaining to commence apace.  We shall be playing a Confederate colonel…or sergeant…or major…We never were able to sort out what army rank means what. Of course, We know what privates are.  And We know that four queens beat a straight (although it seems mean to gang up on him).  But lieutenants and that lot leave Us baffled.  Although We are positive that it means We shall be dressed inappropriately for the weather.

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here and here and tickets are available here: 
 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

And now, as a reward for having sat through that paragraph, here is a picture of Prince Harry on a motorcycle:

In still other news, We read on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning that scientists are considering launching a smartphone into space.  Big fucking deal.  We contemplate launching Our smartphone into space on an hourly basis.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Today is Billie Burke’s birthday.  You know, Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz. If she were not (subjunctively) dead as a doornail (whatever a doornail may be, and whyever it is presumably deader than any other sort of nail), she would be one hundred and twenty-eight years old.  And Dorothy should still punch her right in her damn mouth:  “Bitch, please!  All this crap I went through, and NOW you tell me I always had the power to go home?”

Is anyone else taken aback that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “whyever” is a word?  Whyever not, We should like to know.

Today is an active day (So We should put in a tampon AND wear a Maxi-Pad™?)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

 — and you’ve got the right kind of energy to really make it special!  (Is that special like the K, or special like they tell the ‘tards they are?  Because if it’s the latter, you have to say it differently.)

Things are going your way, (Things wouldn’t be going Our way if Bing Crosby rose from the dead and sang Us a song about it.  (Oh, good.  A Bing Crosby joke.  We are now officially older than Billie Burke’s corpse.))

(Anybody who actually GOT the Bing Crosby joke, stop by later for an Ensure™.)

and you can barrel right over anyone who thinks they can impede your progress.  (Isn’t that pretty much everyone?)

 Do you have a ‘life list’? (No, but We have a ‘death list’, if We could only figger out how to get away with it.)

You know, a list of all the things you want to do at some point during your time here on earth?  (Yes, We know what a life list is.  It’s like a bucket list.  Which is totally different from the fuckit bucket, which is where you put things that you don’t want on your life list.)

Today, sit down and either get a life list started, (Does this mean that “start life list” should be the first thing on Our life list?  We’re so confused…)

or review your progress on your existing list. (Well, We’ll soon be checking off “die of heat prostration in student film for no money”…howzzat?)

Have you gone skydiving yet? (Why would anyone jump out of an airplane before it got where it’s going?)

Check in with your ambitions. (We’ve told you this before: that’s “amBITCHions”.)

Where do you want to explore? (Johnny Depp’s underwear.)

 The first step toward making it happen is thinking about making it happen. (Oh, shut up with that viZZZualization horseshit.  We have been viZZZualizing what We shall do when We win PowerBall™ for years now, but does it ever happen?  No, it does not.)

 Use your imagination.  (Why don’t YOU use YOUR imagination, and IMAGINE that We’re using Our imagination?  According to your stupid viZZZualization idea, that should amount to the same thing.)

Not only are there fifty ways to leave your lover, there are fifty ways to find a new one too. (Mmm-hmm.  And THAT’S working out for Us, too.)

The stars give you a fresh burst of energy to get your romantic life zooming along. (See “shit through a goose” discussion here: (We are far too old to waste time repeating Ourself.))
 Now it’s up to you to take the initiative.  (We shall take whatever We can get.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.