Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, August 09, 2012. Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person. The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.
We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence. We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves. (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames. (It did not. Sigh.))
(Does anybody need a drag name? Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)
Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad. It’s the same damn coffee. (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)
We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday. We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater. The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know. We had never been to People’s Light before. It is in Peoria, or some such place. All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona. But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off. (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)
Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:
In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage. SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here:
The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows. For example, on the 19th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Oh, sure. NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday! When all the good gifts are probably already gone.
Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please. We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)
— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)
Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)
(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday. We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week. So much for his fifteen minutes. At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit. You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off. Where’s all this “inventing”?)
(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit. You’re welcome.)
and that others can hear you out. (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)
When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)
you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)
— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened. (Yawn.)
But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)
So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)
All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds. (First We had money, now We have “funds”? Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)
Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality. (Well, good. Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)
Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen? Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly? They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)
Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)
and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)
— it’s all right. (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.