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Friday, August 10, 2012

It’s raining men, hallelujah!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  FriedDay, August 10, 2012.  Betcha thought ya weren’t gonna hear from Us at all today, didn’t’cha?  We went slogging off through this morning’s monsoon to meet with Our student fillum director.  We were very disconcerted to realize that We were wearing underwear that was older than he was.  Perhaps We should finally just give in and throw out all the panties that say “Ye Olde Tuesday” on the front, and have the Julian calendar on the back.

He then went off to inspect tomorrow’s location, which may or may not be underwater. (Fortunately, We know all of Shelley Winters’s lines from The Poseidon Adventure.)  If it is not, We shall be up at the crack of ass to be driven to the location and put through hair, makeup, and wardrobe.  After which We shall work with, amongst others, a four-year-old child.  We are fairly certain that We believe whoever said, “Never work with children or animals”, despite not having much experience of same.  Mercifully, despite its being a Civil War period piece, no one has yet mentioned horses.

The monsoon having dissipated by the end of Our meeting (We have HOMEWORK…how cute is that?), We decided to enjoy a walk, which wound up being all the way home (We were at University Crossings at Drexel, 3175 JFK Blvd; if you know where Our home is, you can figger out how far We walked.  (If you don’t know where Our home is, We ain’t telling you, unless you look like Johnny Depp and promise to stalk Us.)))

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here and here and tickets are available here: 
 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need to be somewhat more forceful today — though a little tact doesn’t hurt, of course! (We were sitting there in damp, squishy “Ye Olde Tuesday” panties with the Julian calendar on the trapdoor…how much tact could We muster?)

(We didn’t mention the trapdoor the first time, did We?)

Your energy is just right for tense negotiations and other situations in which you must act on your own behalf.  (What about Our Own bewhole?)

(It was covered by the “Ye Olde Tuesday” panties.)

(Ba DUMP bump!)

A slight change in your business or school life today is going to affect your social life more than you might realize. (One way or the other, We’re not having any social life this weekend.  (Especially now that all y’all are picturing Us in those panties.))

 You won’t have as much free time as you’re used to. (But just WAIT till you see how cheap We are.)

Get in some good quality time with your friends, and if you are in a relationship, make sure your partner understands the time crunch you might be experiencing soon.  (What if Our partner IS Cap’n Crunch?  (Hypothetically, of course.  (To say nothing of PAthetically.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))))

If it’s a new relationship, (With Ye Olde Cap’n Crunch?  Since Tuesday.  We haven’t even had time to change Our panties. (Of COURSE We have Daylight Saving Time panties.  (They glow in the dark.)))

(One wonders exactly WHEN We stopped having any idea what We were talking about.)

your unavailability could serve as a very effective test. (We TOLD you to give him TWO TEST TICKLES.)

 Luckily, this person will wow you with their patience and dedication.  (It’s not every day one gets “wow” used as a verb.)

 Certain restraints are emerging on your love life, (Kinky!)

but arguing doesn’t help you get rid of them. (Can We pee on them?)

Your energy just needs you to slow down and look at all the factors that are coming into play. (Did We mention Our Ye Olde Tuesday panties?  Because they’re almost as much of a non sequitur as that last sentence.  Jeebus.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.