Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, August 21, 2012. We are laughing Our ass off (would that such a thing were (subjunctively) possible) here at Erix Daily Horoscope (And Live! Nude! Boyz! (Sorry.)) as we have been plus-one’d on Google+ (yes, We are one of the seven people who still stops by Google+ occasionally, in case it ever becomes A Thing) for yesterday’s e-pissode, which was entitled, you may recall, “Domo arigato, Demi Lovato”. The source of this honor was some high school girl named Ashley, who clearly never read beyond Our title, or she might have discovered that, far from being an homage to Ms. Lovato, the e-pissode contained Our frank admission that We have no earthly clue who the child is, and, what’s more, don’t care.
Of course, We now know that the Ms. Lovato in question recently hosted something called the Teen Choice Awards, courtesy of Our new fan, Ashley:
“Demi Lovato did an amazing job hosting the Teen Choice Awards!! Congrats for the awards!! [Heart made out of “less than symbol” and “3”] So glad I voted for you!! You looked so beautiful!! Love you and Stay Strong!! [Heart made out of “less than symbol” and “3”] Keep up the amazing work!! [Heart made out of “less than symbol” and “3”] You inspire all!! [Heart made out of “less than symbol” and “3”] ”
(Edited to add: We are using “[Heart made out of “less than symbol” and “3”] “ instead of showing the actual symbol because apparently the actual symbol is some sort of command that causes Bloggonia to go haywire. As it should be. Stupid teenaged twat.)
Whatever else you expected to see here, We are fairly certain nobody ever imagined the use of “[Heart made out of “less than symbol” and “3”]” in an Erix Daily Horoscope. Our Ashley is clearly a moppet of few words, as her only other Google+ entry consists of felicitations on the occasion of Selena Gomez’s 20th birthday. Some of you will no doubt be stunned to learn that We DO actually know who Selena Gomez is…she is Justin Bieber’s lesbian lover. We know this, of course, because We have worked with the aforementioned Miss Bieber, which see:
So, Ashley, We trust We have brightened your day, your fifteen minutes are up, and here’s Don Pardo to tell you about your lovely parting gifts.
We would share the news with you that naked photos of Miley Cyrus have surfaced, but then you would have to roll us in Clearasil™ and throw Us to the lesbians.
In grown-up news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing A Very Special Preview Performance of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event has more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here:
The contestants for this performance will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows:
Darryl Charles (ComedySportz)
Jeff Soles (Wawapalooza 6)
Steve Mclean (Fringe Wraiths)
Jefrey Wilkerson (I Hate Monologues)
Viva La Fringe!
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Criticism certainly has its time and place — but it’s not here and now! (What an incredibly stupid thing to say! What kind of incompetent ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) are you? We’ve seen better prognostications from a Magic 8-Ball™.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Hold your tongue (Could We hold someone else’s tongue? Pretty please?)
if you feel the need to tell someone what’s wrong with their work or their ideas. (From now on, We shall only criticize if We are paid to do so.)
(Oh, who are We kidding?)
Things should improve soon! (Things should do a lot of things, but they so seldom do.)
A fierce but friendly conflict (Shouldn’t that be “fight”? Or at least “fracas”? To keep the, ya know, alliteration thing going? Just sayin’. (Bitch needs an editor…We need a job.))
with someone will give you a heady rush of adrenaline today. (We are enjoying the phrase “heady rush of adrenaline”. We have, unfortunately, no joke to tell about it, but We are enjoying it.)
This unexpected energy will go a long way toward helping you get the best of your opponent in a very clever manner. (But will it be a Stately Wayne Manner?)
(Give it a sec…THERE ya go!)
But be gentle, and try not to rub the loser’s face into the fact that you were right. (You have no idea what kind of fight We’re looking to have if you think THAT is where We’re gonna rub the loser’s face.)
Bragging is not cool (As We know, being the coolest person in all of Coolville.)
— plus, keep in mind that you will not always be the person who’s right! (That is not even within the realm of possibility. Or the cult of personality. Or Florence Henderson’s Wessonality. One of those.)
(Hmmm. It is entirely possible that We may be, after all, Not Right.)
Set an example of how to win an argument graciously — others will follow it. (You are a stupid poopyhead. We win.)
(How gracious wuzZAT?)
Jealous much? (See, Kelli, if you had an editor, that would be amended to “Jealous much? Bitch?” Also, fuck you.)
Everyone adores the new kid on the block, (Except those who prefer N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys. (Jeebus Cripes, it Smells Like Teen Spirit in here today! (Meanwhile, from the How Old Do You Feel NOW? Department, if he were (subjunctively) still alive, Kurt Cobain would be forty-five.)))
but you couldn’t be bothered. (We are British. We couldn’t be arsed.)
If you don’t agree with popular opinion, keep your comments to yourself for now. (We’ll never get famous that way. AssHat.)
(Apropos of nothing, it occurs to Us that we had a dream last night in which We were watching the weather on TV. Because that’s the kind of fascinating, scintillating, exciting dreamer We are. The weather map showed snow all over Florida, all the gulf states, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and all up the California coast. In keeping with said snow, presumably, We later dreamt that We were throwing a Christmas party. Many people that We know were there, some people that We only know OF were created by Our fevered little brain, and other guests were total strangers. We were drinking a cocktail called a Christmas tree, the recipe for which We never did learn, and playing some very slutty reindeer games. A good time was had by all. Especially Us. Felice Navidad.)
You may end up liking this person more than you anticipated. (“More than We anticipated” is not the problem. “More than they like Us” is the problem.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.