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Friday, August 3, 2012

Feels so right…it can’t be wrong

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThankDawgIt’sFriday, August Turd, 2012.

First off, a heaping helping of Erix Daily Horoscope gratitude to OurMizDonna who stepped up to the plate (that was a sportz reference…Erix Daily Horoscope knows sportz) yesterday and Answered Kelli back in Our absence.  If you nakedly skimmed yesterday’s e-pissode prior to OurMizDonna’s contribution, We shall wait here with bait on Our breath till you go read it now:  Of course, if you nakedly skimmed AFTER OurMizDonna’s contribution, then she saw you naked.  Because We have that power here.

This just in from Twitter: #InappropriateFuneralSongs:  “Highway to Hell”.

In other news, We are well aware that several of Our Nearest And Dearest are about to have a much worse day than We are about to have.  There being not a goddamn thing We can do about that, We are going to whine and complain anyway.  You’re welcome.

In still other news, when We left Our student fillum audition yesterday, We were under the impression that We had accidentally gotten the job.  Having not heard from them since, we are not so sure.  We are, however, entirely certain that We did NOT get the job for which We submitted Our pixtures.  Heigh-ho, the glamorous life!  (Who’s she callin’ “ho”?)

Also from Twitter: “Some people are so quick to judge.  I always notice this right away.”

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In honor of Martha Stewart’s birthday today, We shall be making an ottoman out of a dozen pine cones and a dead lemur.  It’s a good thing.  (It is also Tom Brady’s birthday today.  We’re not sure, but We suspect he was an offspring in one of the much-later Brady Bunch sequels.)

You need to share your vision with your people. (So you don’t see (heh) the fact that We can’t SEE these “people” as a problem?)

This could be at work, (Frayed knot.)

at home or almost anywhere else, but you can’t hold this one in.  (All together now:  FART JOKE!!!)

If you’re met with confused looks, just try to explain again.  (On the other hand, if you’re met with confused rooks, you’re either talking to a Chinaman or playing chess with stupid people.)

Keep busy in the morning, (What, you think this shit writes itself?)

but make sure to save some time this afternoon so you can daydream about your future. (Would it be too confusing to daydream about getting a present in the future?)

It might sound silly to schedule in some fantasy time, but it’s not. (Does it sound silly to schedule some Fantasy Island time?  “De plane, Boss, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?)

(There’s just nothing like a little (heh) Hervé Villechaize joke.  Is there?  Well, IS THERE?)


Your imagination and creativity require maintenance, (Should We call a maintenance man?)


and today you will have the time you need to do it. (Honey, if We get to “do it”, We’ll MAKE the time.)


Think about where you want to go next in a new relationship — the future for you two will be greatly influenced by what you want it to be, so start imagining things in as much detail as possible.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah….viZZZualize.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)


 It started out as fun and fancy-free, but suddenly, this person has turned into a huge albatross.  (We HATE when people turn into huge albatrosses.  Especially without any warning. Of course, better that than turning into a rabid lemur.  You think honey badger don’t give a shit?  Rabid lemur doesn’t give TWO shits.)


(That right there was a little pop culture reference.  Meanwhile,  Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “shits” to “shifts”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is stupid.)


 The answer is simple: (Also, my friend, it is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind.)


You need a break, so take it. (Also, We need a cake, so bake it.   But don’t leave it out in the rain.  (Who would DO that?))


You’ll have more fun with friends right now anyway. (But you’ll have the MOST fun?  With frenulums.)


Relax and let it sort itself out — after all, you’re not in charge.  (Of course not.  Charles is. (Insert Scott Baio joke here.))


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.