Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, August 24, 2012. Happy National Waffle Day, everyone! Seriously. How exciting izzat? On this day in 1869, Cornelius Swartwout patented the first waffle iron. Later that day, Helen Keller read it, and comedy was born.
We really are a very funny person once you get to know Us.
Speaking of famous people and breakfast foods, on the heels (not that We’re wearing heels at this hour…bunny slippers, Sweetie Darling) of yesterday’s discussion of hit counts, We note that The One Where We Have A Picture Of Prince William In A Speedo™ (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html ) is on the verge of eclipsing The One Where We Have A Recent Picture Of Charlene Tilton (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html ). Ahead of these by a small margin is The One Where The Picture Is Nothing Special But We Use The Phrase “Justin Bieber’s Penis” (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/chillin-by-fire-while-we-eatin-fondue.html . And still inexplicably leading the pack, by a factor of over four-fold, is The One With The Picture Of The Grotesquely Fat Man (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html ), which people actually search for with such phrases as “grotesquely fat man”. Does this make any sense to you? Because it makes no sense to Us. We would much rather look at Prince William’s Speedo™, or present-day Charlene Tilton, or even Justin Bieber’s penis (which, you will recall, We’ve already seen, which see Us seeing same:
than look at a near-naked grotesquely fat man, but different strokes for different stroke victims.
Clearly, We’ve strayed wide of Our original point, which was Cornelius Swartwout and Helen Keller reading the waffle iron. Also, you will note that, in that entire desperate attention–seeking paragraph about hit counts, not once did We stoop to using the phrase “Prince Harry naked”. (Ooops. (Although, now that We HAVE used it, We wonder if We’d do better to use “Prince Harry’s penis”?))
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Which, of course, in the case of Prince Harry’s penis, leads to a rather ribald French tickler joke. Lettuce all pause here while Helen Keller reads THAT.
We may actually be funnier than We had first suspected. Although We WERE hugged by a stand-up comic last night, so it’s possible that some of it just rubbed off. (Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We were there when it happened.)
In other news, there is a brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY
Here is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:
Here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Rupert Grint’s birthday today. Rupert Grint is a Virgo. Daniel Radcliffe? Is a Leo. Like your scrotum there it is in a nutshell.
Your emotional side is somewhat exposed today, (Suddenly, We feel just like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.)
so see if you can get yourself back into a safer space. (Does the absence of panties make Our FUPA look fat?)
(Okay, all together now: eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)
It’s a really good time for you to get back in touch with feelings you thought were long gone. (Hey, We rubbed one out on a stand-up comedian. There’s yer Fringe festival right there!)
You always have time to learn new things, so even if your day is jam-packed, (Or fudge-packed.)
you should reserve at least a minute or two to go exploring! (What about spelunking? Nobody ever goes spelunking any more.)
Check out that new store at the mall, go for a drive in a different part of town, or pick up a book about something or someone you’ve never heard of before. (Just don’t accidentally pick up a waffle iron instead.)
Someone will want you to take off with them on a new adventure that sounds like fun. (Oddly enough, We are fairly certain that “sounds like fun” and “actually IS fun” are not necessarily always the same thing.)
If you think you can squeeze it into your day, you definitely should! (Give Us some Spanx™, some Crisco™, and a crowbar, and We’ll squeeze just about anything into just about anywhere.)
(Hi, Prince Harry…is that a breakfast bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?)
Watch out for that self-fulfilling prophecy — it’s a killer. (Indeed so. Because, not having learned her lesson with the waffle iron, you can’t imagine what Helen Keller mistook for a Ouija board.)
If you let the negativity creep in, it’ll turn into self-esteem cancer. (No, it won’t.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Don’t let one or two bad days on the dating circuit ruin your whole outlook on life. (Wait…there’s a circuit? Somebody get Us an extension cord…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.