Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, August 24,
2012. Happy National Waffle Day,
everyone! Seriously. How exciting izzat? On this day in 1869, Cornelius Swartwout
patented the first waffle iron. Later
that day, Helen Keller read it, and comedy was born.
We
really are a very funny person once you get to know Us.
Speaking of famous people
and breakfast foods, on the heels (not
that We’re wearing heels at this hour…bunny slippers, Sweetie Darling) of
yesterday’s discussion of hit counts, We note that The One Where We Have A
Picture Of Prince William In A Speedo™ (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html
) is on the verge of eclipsing The One Where We Have A Recent Picture Of
Charlene Tilton (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html
). Ahead of these by a small margin is
The One Where The Picture Is Nothing Special But We Use The Phrase “Justin
Bieber’s Penis” (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/chillin-by-fire-while-we-eatin-fondue.html
. And still inexplicably leading the
pack, by a factor of over four-fold, is The One With The Picture Of The
Grotesquely Fat Man (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html
), which people actually search for with such phrases as “grotesquely fat man”. Does this make any sense to you? Because it makes no sense to Us. We would much rather look at Prince William’s
Speedo™, or present-day Charlene Tilton, or even Justin Bieber’s penis (which,
you will recall, We’ve already seen, which see Us seeing same:
)
than look at a near-naked
grotesquely fat man, but different strokes for different stroke victims.
Whatevs.
Clearly, We’ve strayed wide
of Our original point, which was Cornelius Swartwout and Helen Keller reading
the waffle iron. Also, you will note
that, in that entire desperate attention–seeking paragraph about hit counts,
not once did We stoop to using the phrase “Prince Harry naked”. (Ooops.
(Although, now that We HAVE used it, We wonder if We’d do better to use “Prince
Harry’s penis”?))
Uneasy lies the head that
wears the crown. Which, of course, in
the case of Prince Harry’s penis, leads to a rather ribald French tickler joke. Lettuce all pause here while Helen Keller reads
THAT.
We may actually be funnier
than We had first suspected. Although We
WERE hugged by a stand-up comic last night, so it’s possible that some of it
just rubbed off. (Did that sound dirty
to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us,
and We were there when it happened.)
In other news, there is a
brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video,
which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is the link with which you
may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY
Here
is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your
morning horoscope:
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
It
is Rupert Grint’s birthday today. Rupert
Grint is a Virgo. Daniel Radcliffe? Is a Leo.
Like your scrotum there it is in a nutshell.
Your
emotional side is somewhat exposed today, (Suddenly, We feel just like Sharon
Stone in Basic Instinct.)
so
see if you can get yourself back into a safer space. (Does the absence of
panties make Our FUPA look fat?)
(Okay,
all together now: eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)
It’s
a really good time for you to get back in touch with feelings you thought were
long gone. (Hey, We rubbed one out on a
stand-up comedian. There’s yer Fringe
festival right there!)
You always have time to learn new things, so
even if your day is jam-packed, (Or
fudge-packed.)
you
should reserve at least a minute or two to go exploring! (What about
spelunking? Nobody ever goes spelunking any
more.)
Check
out that new store at the mall, go for a drive in a different part of town, or
pick up a book about something or someone you’ve never heard of before. (Just
don’t accidentally pick up a waffle iron instead.)
Someone
will want you to take off with them on a new adventure that sounds like fun. (Oddly
enough, We are fairly certain that “sounds like fun” and “actually IS fun” are
not necessarily always the same thing.)
If
you think you can squeeze it into your day, you definitely should! (Give Us some Spanx™, some Crisco™, and a
crowbar, and We’ll squeeze just about anything into just about anywhere.)
(Hi,
Prince Harry…is that a breakfast bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to
see us?)
Watch
out for that self-fulfilling prophecy — it’s a killer. (Indeed so. Because, not having learned her lesson with
the waffle iron, you can’t imagine what Helen Keller mistook for a Ouija
board.)
If
you let the negativity creep in, it’ll turn into self-esteem cancer. (No, it
won’t.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Don’t
let one or two bad days on the dating circuit ruin your whole outlook on life. (Wait…there’s a circuit? Somebody get Us an extension cord…)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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