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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, April 12, 2012.

We have virtually nothing to report.  No one seems to be having birthdays.  Our My Dinner With Starzina salon idea was met with the same chorus of crickets with which most of Our other proclamations are met. Also, We have made an error, but We don’t intend to share that information just yet today.

We are, of course, in the creative throes of planning Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: TAURUS video, which will mark Our completion of all twelve signs.  Why Our little web series hasn’t become world famous yet is beyond Us.  It may be that the serial aspects of it are too suBtle for The Great Unwashed.  It’s not often that We are accused of over-suBtlefication, but it does occasionally happen.  And to think, in one short season, We’ve been touched by an angel, seen how you met Our mother, celebrated Halloween and Christmas, been held prisoner, and been visited by Justin Timberlake, Justin Bieber, and Justin Bieber’s penis.  It’s like Dawson’s Creek On Crack around here.

Here is the obligatory mention of Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: ARIES video, which you will neither watch yourselves, nor share on your friends SitOnMyFaceBook pages.  Why hasn’t Our little web series become world famous yet?: 

In other news, We were having another very pleasant dream about The Sex shortly before We woke up this morning.  In it, We were having The Sex with someone We know, with whom We actually would have The Sex in real life, if, ya know, We ever actually had The Sex.  Unfortunately, We were having The Sex in a very public place, so the dream quickly disintegrated from being about The Sex to being about the reactions of passersby TO The Sex, which were not nearly so pleasant as The Sex itself.

Sigh. Even in Our dreams, it is not easy being Us.

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:
Make sure that your people (If only We actually HAD people…they could do Our taxes for Us.)

know what you’re all about today (Isn’t the Hokey-Pokey what it’s all about?)

— you can’t tolerate mistakes where your reputation is concerned!  (We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.  (Actually, We do, as We said earlier, have mistake up to which We must fess (thereby not ending with a preposition).  We will fess up to it, however, only once a suitable scapegoat is firmly ensconced.))

Make sure that at least one person is working PR for you.  (Oh, for the love of god, hire as many Puerto Ricans as it takes!)


If someone close to you tells you that they think you need to slow down today, listen to them. (Especially if it’s the guy in your sex dream.)

You’ve been living and working at a very fast pace, and while you might like the energy it gives you, other people are starting to feel neglected. (And if they’d stop ignoring Us, We’d stop neglecting them.  Jeebus.)

It’s important to make time for the people you care about. (We already told you: My Dinner With Starzina. Coming soon to a dining room table near you.)

Even if it feels like an effort, it is an effort worth making. (We’re sure that sentence means something but all We are thinking is, “why isn’t ‘affort’ a word?”)

Sometimes you have to put your personal goals aside and put other people first. (Especially if there is gunfire.  Or oncoming traffic.)

That way, you’ll show them that they are important.  (Hey, whatever lies you have to tell.  Like the old saying goes: Sincerity: if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

Wearing the appropriate clothing is a huge turn on to others right now. (So We SHOULDN’T still have Our Tuesday panties on?)

So if you’re hiding your goods under ill-fitting garments, it’s time to dress to impress. (Alternatively, undress to impress Ursula Andress.)

Know your true size and what works best for your body. (That WOULD be a fat joke, except no part of it is funny.)

If you need help, ask a salesperson.  (Or a Puerto Rican.  Or a Puerto Rican salesperson.  Named Ursula Andress.  (The chirren are all “Who the fuck is Ursula Andress?”  We do so love teaching arcane archaic pop culture to the chirren.))

  And have We mentioned Our latest video? 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.