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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Ev’ry day a little death

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirstDay, April 19, 2012.  Both of Our planned activities for yesterday evening having fallen through, We are too lazy even to finish this sentence.  Also, We have precious little to report.  (Precious Little, it strikes Us, would be an excellent name for a maid in a comic novel. (Chicken Little, it strikes Us, would not.))

You can see how things are going around HERE this morning.  We are shooting later today…We hope Our understudy is prepared.

You have until 11:59 tonight to donate to this:

And another few days to go watch this: 

Our goodness, aren’t We SuckSinked this morning?

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope.  With a random Charlene Tilton reference, for those who have been missing her:

You are feeling excited and enthusiastic over a new person or project — (Well, We will have a new project to tell you about shortly.  And We keep finding the wrong new person, so there’s that.)

 and it’s contagious!  (Also no doubt debilitating, disfiguring, and eventually fatal.)

Your amazing energy (Have We met?)

keeps those around you alive and engaged with whatever’s going on.  (Oh, sure…those AROUND Us get engaged…)

Foreign influences will probably have a very positive impact on your life right now, so it is a wonderful time to explore a culture that is new or unusual to you. (We don’t even like the people HERE…why would We want to get mixed up with a bunch of foreigners?)

 Getting acquainted with its unfamiliar customs, foods, traditions and music will not only educate you — it will inspire you to continue to move beyond your comfort zone and take more risks in your life.  (Wait…We have a comfort zone?)

You have absolutely nothing to fear by trying something that you have never tried before.  (Unless that thing is being afraid.  Asshat.)

Find someone who is simpatico. (What country are those from?)

Where to look? (Free clinics, most likely.)

Think politics, animals and charity events. (You think it.  Pervert.)

You’ll definitely get in the middle of the action and that’s exactly where you want to be. (Yeah.  That’ll happen.)

And while you’re at it, see who else is around to join in the fun!  (Well, so far in Our videos, We’ve been touched by an angel, seen Justin Bieber’s penis, and been beside Ourself.  Who will turn up in Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Taurus video.  Bate your breath and wait and see!)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.