Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Faberge, April 27, 2012. (Faberge is, of course, French for “Friday”. (That’s not true. (We’re assuming (thereby making an ass out of you and Uma Thurman) you knew that.) Although it may be Pig French. (You know, like Pig Latin. Does Pig French even exist? We would guess that it doesn’t, as all of their words already end in –ay, but then and again, We’ve met a few Frenchmen…)))
Before We mercifully change the subject and put you out of your misery (and into the cock-a-doodie car, Mister Man (heh…didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)), here, as a courtesy to Our Religious Readers (as opposed to Our Readers who read Us religiously, which is an entirely different concept), is the entire Bible, in Pig Latin: http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/ible-bay.html Because One can, apparently, find absolutely anything on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.
Happy birthday to Dena, who turns twenty-four today in MaryLand. (WHO said they thought THIS was “MaryLand”?) Also, happy birthday to Israel (the person, not the country) who also turns twenty-four today, in THIS country, but on The Other Coast. In San Francisco. Speaking of MaryLand. Here is a link to their Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal Taurean friends: http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY
Additionally, Happy Arbor Day to the rest of you. Except those of you in Greater Bostonia, whom We wish Happy AhBah Day. Which, We now notice, is only a few vowels shy of Happy ABBA Day. Which sounds like a much funner holiday. Trees being all nice and all, but unable to make One dance.
Have you noticed lately that instant gratification takes too long?
Meanwhile, the winner of yesterday’s audience participation contest was OurMizDonna, who, in response to “Charming is your middle name”, riposted, “And Charmin™ is yours”.
Also also, stay tuned to this space for A Very Important Imminent Announcement concerning everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.
And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And now, the HorrorScope:
(Okay, not only Arbor Day, Ahbah Day, and ABBA Day…but also Jessica Alba’s birthday, and thus Alba Day? (Are We still relevant if We’re only accidentally relevant?))
You start something rolling that really takes off — and it could be a big coup for you! (Okay, that is either a reference to the aforementioned WaitStaff project, or a really intricate fat joke.)
See if you can find a way to launch your latest scheme with the help of those closest to you. (The WaitStaff project?)
Your outer self and inner self will not be in sync today, but you can overcome the disparity if you take things slowly. (The fat joke?)
(The suspenders are killing Us.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
The good news is, you’ll probably be looking fantastic. (So either it’s NOT the fat joke, or Kelli is a chubby chaser.)
The bad news is, you probably won’t be feeling fantastic. (On ABBA Day? Don’t you believe it.)
Give yourself extra time in the morning (How? By stealing it from the afternoon?)
— sleep in a little bit if you can — and try to get challenging tasks out of the way as early as possible. (We did that yesterday. Ordered a new battery for Our cell phone, We did. Our cell phone, which is currently permanently affixed to an electrical outlet next to the couch. Thus making it the world’s most inconvenient landline. Sigh.)
Set aside the afternoon for relaxation, (Ommmmmmmm….)
and give yourself time to get back to normal. (Yeah. Good luck with that.)
Eyes are the window to the soul (And Uranus is the window to the rectum. (Rectum? We nearly KILLED ‘em.))
— and now more than ever, this is totally apparent. (But not, for all of Our Hayley Mills Fan Readers, A Parent Trap.)
(No, We don’t have any idea what We’re talking about. Why do you ask?)
So whenever possible, connect visually. (Don’t you mean viZZZually?)
Wink, stare, gaze or arch the brow. (Is it just Us, or does that sound exhausting?)
Let the exchange of mutual admiration begin. (Lettuce hope that “exchange of mutual admiration” is a euphemism. And lettuce hope that there are bodily fluids involved.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.